Other People Candy
Midtown— Central Gardens resident James Whale expressed concern today that undeserving individuals might receive free candy from him and his neighbors this Halloween, while tacitly attempting to not sound racist.
“I love seeing the neighborhood kids dressed up in their costumes getting candy,” Whale said. “The little ghosts and vampires are hilarious. Last year we had a family dressed like the Avengers with a young girl playing Thor, if you can believe that. But, you know, I’m just not real happy when….other people show up. The tall ones, especially. “
When pressed for details Whale had a difficult time expressing himself. “This year we bought some really good candy. We got name brand chocolate bars and the good tootsie pops, and some really scary gummy candies that look like severed ears and noses. And, well, you know.”
Whale fell silent while meticulously weighing small piles of smarties and other classic halloween candies purchased in bulk from Costco then parceling them out in fun-sized Halloween themed baggies. “It’s just, I don’t know, not right,” he blurted out at length. “It’s just that people come in from other neighborhoods and take the candy I was giving away.”
Asked what differentiates the trick-or-treaters that trouble him, Whale said only that some of them are too old to be trick-or-treating, and don’t have costumes. “You know what I mean,” he said, twisting his face into a mask of strained ineloquence.
“Look, I don’t mind when my neighbor’s kids bring a bunch of friends over, that’s different.” Whale said, breaking into a sack of his own candy corn. “I really don’t mind the expense. I love buying candy for kids in my neighborhood, and neighborhoods like mine.”
“Oh well, I guess I’ll just get some spare candy for, you know, them. For the out-of-neighborhood trick-or-treaters,” Whale said removing a couple of large bags of those disgusting candies wrapped in black and orange paper from the trunk of his car. “You know what I mean.”
Joey Hack is a regular contributor to the Fly On The Wall blog and is a member of The Wiseguys Improv troupe.
