Cold comfort seems like the wrong way to describe this latest news.
But the mercury is climbing again, as we head into August and as our pits and upper lips go dewey and our thighs turn into cheese factories, we can all be thankful that we live in Memphis, and not one of the nine American cities that, according to a new report, are even nastier.
Honeywell Fans partnered with consultants from Environmental Health & Engineering to create the definitive sweaty city list based on a set of criteria that includes “humidity levels, length of summer and access to shade.” Shockingly, Memphis barely cracked the top ten.
As it happens, your Pesky Fly is a misery tourist who’s visited every single furnace on Honeywell’s top 10. So, instead of simply sharing the list, I’ve included some thoughts about each location.
1. Orlando, Florida — Anybody who’s ever stood in line at Disney World knows that Orlando can be peeing-your-pants-while-drinking-coffee-in-hell miserable. But as hot and bug-infested as Orlando may seem, it’s easy to maintain a smile and cheerful demeanor by reminding yourself that at least you’re not in Tampa.
2. New Orleans, Louisiana — Let’s be honest. Regardless of Honeywell’s methodology, fewer experiences produce more sweat for the least amount of effort, than standing roadside on Carrollton, waiting for an afternoon streetcar. NOLA is probably at least as sticky, buggy, and stultifying as Orlando most days, but everybody’s having too good of a time to care.
3. Phoenix, Arizona — There is a place where dry heat meets the dry heaves. That place is Phoenix.
4. Dallas, Texas — Being in Dallas in the summer is like being in a prison movie where the sadistic warden punishes everybody by locking them in a boiler room and cranking the juice.
5. Las Vegas, Nevada — Like somebody covered Dallas in glitter and feathers.
6. Oklahoma City, Oklahoma — How this place clocks in at No. 5 is a mystery. The heat is like a blazing fist that reaches down your throat and rips out your tongue.
7. Kansas City, Missouri — I honestly don’t remember KC being all that hot. But I was in a brisket coma.
8. Austin, Texas — Cooler than Dallas in most regards.
9. Atlanta, Georgia — One of America’s most miserable rush hours. Thankfully, there’s a proper bar at every exit of the commute.
10. Memphis, Tennessee — There are nine places sweatier than Memphis. And besides, who’s got time for weather talk when we have Bird Scooters to complain about?
