John Greendeer pulled down his tinted safety glasses and cranked up his trusty GrassBlaster F-15 gas-powered lawn trimmer, a state-of-the-art weed eating machine he acquired specifically for edging his brother-in-law’s driveway. “Every job is different,” he shouted over the sound of plastic blades on fescue. “Every kind of grass is different. So is every lawn, every median, and every vacant lot. If you’re serious about taking care of business, you need the right cutting tools, and I’ve got three whole storage units full of them.”
Greendeer, who describes himself variously as the “Superstar Bill Dundee of grass management” and “Mayor AC Wharton’s unofficial lawncare czar,” says he’s been counseling the Memphis Mayor by way of unsolicited emails since the two men were seated next to one another at an Alan Jackson concert. Greendeer’s emails have emphasized the city’s need to develop better mowing strategies for Beale St. and it’s the long-time landscaping specialist’s strong belief that any new city-appointed board overseeing Memphis’ historic entertainment district, will focus primarily on grass mowing and secondarily on grass re-mowing.
“Historically speaking. Grass strategizing is what the city does best,” Greendeer said, acknowledging that there is bound to be some public backlash.
“I’ve been unofficially advising mayors all over the country for years and it’s always the same,” Greendeer continued, showing off his barber-like skills with the F-15. “People don’t take time to understand the math involved when you break land into mowable and re-mowable parcels, so they try to make it into a political issue. They call it all a ‘scandal’ and say, ‘What about the lots all over my street where the grass is six-feet high?’ It’s like nobody remembers the great Oklahoma dust bowl, a crisis created in part by the general public’s poor understanding of sustainable lawn management and re-management.”
What will make the new Beale Street Management team’s mowing strategy controversial? Greendeer says the answer is obvious: People don’t know why anybody in their right mind would ever need to mow a street.
Greendeer finished his edging in short order, and put aside his heavy gear. Then he produced an Android phone, pulled up a high-tech interactive lawn map of Downtown Memphis, and zoomed in on Beale,. “People think mowing a street is no big deal, but the fact is, it’s a very big deal.
“Look,” Greendeer said pinching the air above his phone, launching a touch-sensitive 3-D projector. “Beale St. is maybe 20-acres total.”
“Beale Street is 27-acres,” the phone interrupted robotically.
“Doesn’t matter,” Greendeer barked. “When you divide the street into a hundred mowable and re-mowable lots, you instantly quadruple the number of landscape technicians required to achieve maximum coverage, with minimum damage to historic properties, and no accidental shredding of trees or shrubberies that can easily be mistaken for exotic grasses and weeds, especially after a couple of beers.”
As compelling as the light show may be, a bigger question remains: Is Greendeer the expert he says he is, or just another crank with an internet connection? Only time, and future investigations will tell.
