My fellow liberals, it is time to face up to the simple truth: The MAGAs have won. They’ve seen through our charade. The game is up. They have owned the libs.
For 18 months, we’ve attempted to fool them into thinking COVID-19 was real, and for 18 months they’ve resisted. We tried to convince them it was a deadly disease and that only a vaccine would stop it and save all of us from a plague of sickness and death. We reassured them that the vaccine didn’t cause birth defects or contain a microchip, but they were too smart for us. We told them over and over again how important it was to wear a mask, but they saw that scam for what it really was: just another way for us to take away their freedom.
We tried everything: scientific “evidence” from the Centers for Disease Control, terrifying mortality statistics, scary maps of infected areas in red states, tearful and heartfelt testimonies from overworked healthcare providers, and even interviews with dying people saying they wished they’d taken the vaccine. None of it worked. The MAGAs saw through it all like cheap plastic wrap. All that “news” about the vaccine being 90 percent effective, all those crisis actors in nurse uniforms, even “Dr. Fauci” — it was all in vain. (In retrospect, having Fauci rhyme with “ouchy” was a bad move.)
They didn’t believe us when we told them 35 million unvaccinated (and counting) Americans had gotten COVID. Or when we said more than 625,000 Americans had died from the disease. Or when we pointed out how quickly the disease receded once we started getting millions of Americans vaccinated in January of this year. Or when we tried to explain that there was a new strain that is about to make us go through pandemic hell all over again if we don’t get 70 percent of us vaccinated.
They knew better. Of course, they had help. Republican Party leaders and their friends at Fox News and elsewhere in the right-wing media caught on to the liberal hustle years ago — our secret plan to let Black and brown and queer people take over and turn the country communist and give everybody free healthcare and college tuition. They knew COVID was another liberal hoax, just like climate change, and they raised the alarm.
Now the gory “statistics” on COVID are rising again, but the Republicans and their faithful base are hip to our scam. They’ve figured out it’s just more fake news, another attempt to give the evil communist Democrat Joe Biden more power over the lives of real Americans.
GOP governors in Texas, Mississippi, Missouri, Florida, and elsewhere in Trumplandia are standing strong, signing executive orders banning schools, businesses, and local governments from issuing mask mandates or vaccine requirements. The courageous Ron DeSantis of Florida, whose state was averaging more new infections a day than the entire country of France last week (if you believe those “statistics”), issued the following statement on Friday while banning mask mandates for schools: “For more than a year our freedom has been under a constant assault by the radical left. Now they’re coming for your freedom again.”
It’s time for liberals to admit defeat. MAGAs and others are not going to take the vaccine or wear masks, and there is simply nothing we can do about it. We tried to take away their freedom but they stopped us.
Perhaps it would help if we started to accept that the vaccine is like a comfort blanket for us liberals. We get it because it makes us feel safer. And since we’re not hurting anybody by getting that silly jab, let’s keep doing it. In fact, if the Republicans don’t want it, maybe we can start using the country’s remaining vaccine supply for boosters for us snow-flakey creatures who would take some solace from it.
And I think we liberals should keep wearing masks in public indoor spaces for a while longer. It’ll be a cool way for us to recognize each other.
That and the fact that we’re not dying on a ventilator.
