Thanks to a single post on TikTok, a question rocketed through social media and emerged into real-world conversations. Since the spirit of inquiry is in the Memphis Flyer’s DNA, we set out to explore the “man-bear quandary” and find a definitive answer. Our investigation spawned many other pressing questions. The following conversation took place entirely within the writer’s head.
Let’s say you’re walking alone in the woods. Which would you rather meet: a man or a bear?
I don’t know. Can you give me more details?
No. Man or bear?
I choose bear.
Let’s say you’re walking alone in the woods. Would you rather meet a woman or a bear?
Is the bear male or female?
It doesn’t matter. It’s a bear.
It does matter! Is it a mama bear defending her cubs? Or is it a male bear with a belly full of salmon he just pulled from the rushing stream at the bottom of the hill?
I don’t know! It’s a non-bear-nary bear! Woman or bear, that’s the choice.
Bear.
If your sister or mother or daughter were walking alone in the woods, would you rather she encounter a bear or a man?
I’m gonna go with bear again.
You’re doing this all wrong.
That wasn’t a question. How are my answers wrong?
I’m trying to make a point about misogyny and sexual assault. Men are supposed to choose the man because bears are dangerous. Women are supposed to choose the bear because it’s not as dangerous to them as a man. About 20 percent of women will experience sexual assault in their lifetimes. Don’t you think that’s bad?
Of course sexual assault is bad! Listen, if you really want to make a dent in the Memphis crime rate, get to work fixing the TBI crime lab. I’m just not sure questioning what a man, a bear, or the pope does in the woods is the best way to make your point.
Don’t bring religion into this. It’s a social-media gotcha question. Your response says a lot about you. Can you think of a better way to determine moral worth?
No, I guess not.
Right. So, why do you keep choosing the bear?
If all I know is gender, I’m going to have to assume the worst. People have all kinds of agendas. But bears only have bear agendas. They’re not out to get you. They’re just doing their bear stuff. Stay out of their way and leave them to it. Bears can be dangerous, sure, but at least you know where you stand with a bear. If the choice is Jane the friendly forest ranger or a bear, I’ll choose the forest ranger. If it’s Tweakin’ Joe defending his secret meth lab, I’ll take the bear. Plus, bears don’t have guns.
Aha! You just chose the woman over the bear!
No, I’m choosing the park ranger. Women do meth, too. It’s all in the details. Is this like the Voight-Kampff test from the movie Blade Runner, where they try to determine if you’re a replicant by asking you weird empathy questions?
You’re walking in the desert, and you see a tortoise on its back, baking in the sun. Why aren’t you turning the tortoise over?
Of course I’m going to turn the tortoise over! I’m not a robot.
How do I know you’re not a robot? How do YOU know?
I prove I’m a human on the internet all the time.
Please choose all the images which contain a bear.
Exactly! Like an AI doesn’t know what a bear looks like.
Has the AI ever seen a bear?
AIs don’t “see” anything. It’s just making educated guesses about what comes next. AI is just spicy autocorrect.
Doesn’t “making educated guesses about what comes next” also describe human thought processes?
This is getting ridiculous. You can’t measure my humanity by asking about my reaction to animal encounters. The man-bear quandary is just another “Would You Rather?” question designed to stir up meaningless debate on the internet. Good for procrastinating when you should be writing, but that’s it. Would you rather fight one man-sized chicken or five chicken-sized men?
Obviously, the man-sized chicken.
You obviously don’t play Dungeons & Dragons. A man-sized chicken is called a “dinosaur.” They get two claw-attacks and one bite-attack per round. Smoosh a couple of the tiny men, and the rest will have to pass a morale check or retreat.
Would you rather duel Aaron Burr with pistols at 10 paces, or fight Abraham Lincoln in a pit with a broadsword?
Hmm …