Tag: Andy Holt

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Letter From The Editor Opinion

Making Tennessee Great Again!

I’m writing this from the restroom facility at Big Hill Pond State Park in southern McNairy County. On Monday, I commandeered the building, which contains the men’s and women’s restrooms, some racks of pamphlets, and two vending machines. There’s no one here right now, but I plan to stay as long as necessary to protest the fact that the state of Tennessee is run by oppressive know-nothings who wouldn’t know small government — or freedom, for that matter — if it bit them on their considerable backsides.

I’m talking about Andy Holt and Mae Beavers and Ron Ramsey and all those other dolts running things in Nashville, the people who think we elected them to fight an imaginary war against Sharia law and oppose gay marriage and suckle at the teat of the N.R.A. They’re not patriots. They’re self-aggrandizing morons, and I’m taking my state back. I want to make Tennessee great again.

I’m not kidding. I’ve had enough, and I’m serving notice: If the state of Tennessee wants this building back, they’re going to have to come and pry it from my freshly sanitized hands. And don’t think it’s going to be easy.

I’ve got a nice Beretta 12-guage automatic (the one I got as a wedding present from my brother-in-law), an (almost) full box of birdshot, and three pretty substantial bottle rockets. I’ve got four packages of thick-cut Benton’s smoked bacon, some nice sourdough loaves from Fresh Market, 15 Lindt Intense Orange chocolate bars, six heirloom tomatoes, several pounds of artisanal dark roast Kona, 12 bags of Skinny Pop, and two cases of Wiseacre Tiny Bomb.

Check and mate, my friends.

Not to mention, there’s enough toilet paper and hand sanitizer in here to last me ’til June, at least. And don’t forget those vending machines. Also, the Tuscumbia River is just over the hill, and I packed a sweet five-weight Sage and a nice selection of spring dry flies. A country liberal can survive. Underestimate me at your peril, Cousin Bubba.

Of course, I got the idea for this boondoggle, er, courageous stand for freedom, from those guys out in Oregon, the ones who bravely stormed and liberated an empty U.S. national park building that mostly catered to bird-watchers during migration season. Then they hung a bunch of U.S. flags everywhere and asked people to send help via the U.S. Post Office.

Because of that, some people are making fun of them, calling them “Vanilla ISIS” and “Y’allQueda,” but I think those right-wing mokes have the right idea. If you don’t like something, call the government’s bluff! Take over a federal building. For Freedom. And news coverage. What’s the worst that could happen? Not much, apparently.

So, here I am in good old Big Hill Pond State Park, making my own stand for freedom in sympathy with my Oregon brothers-in-arms. And like them, I’m locked and loaded and angry, and I’m not leaving until some big changes are made … or I get some airtime on national television.

So, Governor, er, Lieutenant Governor, Ramsey, you can send in the National Guard, I don’t care. Hell, send in ol’ Mae Beavers. I’d love to chat with that poofy-headed dipshizzle face-to-face. That’s right, you Nashville yahoos, I’m here on Tennessee state property in McNairy County, I’m Memphis as eff, and I’m not going anywhere. Come at me, bros.

Oh, and did I mention I’m white? Well, I am. Really, really white. Sooo … you know. Take it easy.

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News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall 1402

Treasons Greetings

Nothing screams “patriot” like trying to take down the U.S. government. Tennessee Representative Andy Holt (R-Palookaville) made national headlines in 2015 after penning an op-ed describing original Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard Nathan Bedford Forrest as “one of the South’s first civil rights leaders.” Holt started the first week of the new year with a little game of tweet-and-delete. The controversial pig farmer posted a message reading “#Bundymilitia Where can I send support for your effort?” Then he bravely took it down. He also posted a message comparing the Bundy militia’s armed takeover of government property to the Bernie Sanders campaign: “Funny that all these Bernie supporters claim peaceful protest is treason, but don’t believe a socialist taking over US Gov is.”

Neverending Elvis

Elvis Presley died in August 1977, only three months after the original theatrical release of Star Wars IV: A New Hope. Thirty-eight years later Star Wars: The Force Awakens dominates the box office, and the King of Rock-and-Roll died a little more when a U.K. band dubbed Darth Elvis and the Imperials released a holiday single titled “Sithmas on Hoth.” Darth Elvis is both a cease-and-desist order waiting to happen and a tribute act performing Star Wars-themed songs primarily in the style of Elvis Presley. “Sithmas on Hoth” is a rockabilly number chronicling a Tauntaun-backed hunting expedition and traditional Sithmas meals of barbecue wampa and Ewok.

We’re Slow

Everything moves a little slower in Memphis. It’s part of our charm. Take, for example, the guitar that’s lowered over Beale every New Year’s Eve. This year’s drop was broadcast live on CNN and marked the arrival of 2016 about 30 seconds after midnight when a Beale Street reveller accidentally tripped a safety feature preventing a timely descent.

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News The Fly-By

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Mala Vista

Fly on the Wall wants readers to be extra careful if they find themselves walking, biking, or driving near any of the newish solar-powered gates installed along Mud Island’s Greenbelt Park. According to park signage, the city of Memphis isn’t responsible for what might happen if these gates “malfuction.” We’re not really sure what “malfuction” means, mind you, but it sounds really awful.

Punking Punks

Rule #1 for bigots in politics. Be sure to own all internet domains related to your name. And for the love of God and all that’s holy and heterosexual, whatever you do, don’t let those contracts expire. Case in point: Arkansas Governor Asa Hutchinson, who has worked to prevent gay couples from adopting and has presided over the passage of numerous anti-gay bills. Last week, the gay and lesbian chat forum LGBTchat.net acquired the domain AsaHutchinson.com, which now redirects to the gay-friendly chat site.

Holt Act

With a serious water crises looming in America and around the world, Tennessee Attorney General Herbert Slatery joined the State of Tennessee in a lawsuit led by state Representative Sheila Butt and Andy Holt against the EPA’s “Waters of the United States” rule. WOTUS would ultimately establish whether or not antipollution laws apply to farmers redirecting waterways to create cattle ponds or dumping a million gallons of pig poop all over the place, as Holt has been accused of doing.

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News The Fly-By

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Pig Wizard
Poor Andy Holt seems to be unclear on the meaning of many words, including, but not limited to, “civil” and “rights.” Last week, the outspoken Tennessee State Representative, in what some are describing as a strong bid by Holt to become the next Stacey Campfield, described Nathan Bedford Forrest (a slave trader, Confederate general, and the original Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan) as being one of “the South’s first Civil Rights leaders … a man, redeemed through Christ, that fought for the rights of black West Tennesseans.” It’s helpful to remember that Holt, who’s currently being eyeballed by the feds for allegedly releasing 800,000 gallons of pig feces into fields and streams near his farming operation, once described the Humane Society as being nothing but a bunch of “fraudulent” and “reprehensibly disgusting” corporatists “intent on using animals the same way human-traffickers use 17-year-old women.”

Blaming Victims
According to a wide range of Tennessee media sources including The Commercial Appeal, The Tennessean, and Nashville Public Radio, the state of Tennessee canceled an anti-drunk-driving outreach campaign because it had been “criticized as sexist.” After reviewing slogans about poor judgment and the effect of alcohol on clingy, marginally attractive women, The Washington Post published a more accurate story headlined, “Sexist drunken driving campaign canceled on account of being really, really sexist.”

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Memphis Gaydar News

State Bill Would Allow Religious Clergy To Deny Same-Sex Marriages

Bryan Terry

The anti-gay bills are already coming in Tennessee, just hours after the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that all 50 states must allow same-sex marriage.

Tennessee State Representative Bryan Terry (R-Murfreesboro) has said that he’s drafting the “Tennessee Pastor Protection Act,” which would allow religious clergy to deny performing same-sex marriage and provide legal protection from being  “forced to perform same sex marriages on church property,” according to a press release issued this morning from State Representative Andy Holt’s (R-Dresden) office. Holt has said he’d be the co-sponsor of this bill.

“It comes as no surprise that the Supreme Court ruled in favor of same sex marriage. I have had multiple constituents concerned with how the ruling may impact their church and their religious beliefs. If the issue is truly about equality of civil liberties and benefits, then this ruling should have minimal legal impact on churches,” said Terry. “However, if the issue and the cause is about redefining marriage to require others to change their deeply held religious beliefs, then the concerns of many will be valid.”

In the release, Holt said that he would not recognize the court’s ruling as valid. According to Holt, “God is the ultimate Supreme Court and he has spoken. Marriage is between one man, and one woman.”

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News The Fly-By

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Some Pig

Tennessee District 76’s Representative, Republican Andy Holt, has to explain some things to the Environmental Protection Agency. For those keeping score, Holt’s the Tennessee legislator whose concerns about animal cruelty were so great that he sponsored Tennessee’s version of the “Ag-Gag” bill, which, had it not been vetoed, would have essentially criminalized private investigations and whistle-blowing in regard to animal cruelty.

Holt positioned himself as the great defender of animals, describing groups like the Humane Society as being “fraudulent and reprehensibly disgusting,” and “intent on using animals the same way human-traffickers use 17-year-old women.”

It turns out that this wasn’t the only time Holt, a former pig farmer, has been full of crap. Pig crap, to be precise. In fact, he’s been so full of pig crap, when his pig crap lagoons flooded and threatened to overflow a few years back, Holt allegedly released up to 800,000 gallons of fetid porcine feces into nearby fields and streams. The EPA has presented Holt with a “show cause” letter, requesting that the Tennessee representative “show cause” why the agency shouldn’t take formal action.

Neverending Elvis

It’s been 38 years since Elvis Presley left the building for good, but week in and week out, Memphis’ rock-and-roll King gets good press. This week, the Huntsville Times, an Alabama newspaper, reviewed a series of area concerts that happened 40 years ago. The Times‘ remembrance does include these notable factoids: “Three 55-gallon barrels of flash bulbs were swept from the arena floor after each performance.” “Three hundred teddy bears were thrown and recovered.” “Five local teenagers were hurt throwing themselves off a 20-foot balcony, trying to land on the stage.” And, finally, “A stage security guard had his finger bitten to the bone by one of eight women trying to rush the stage.”