Beto O’Rourke – Memphis Flyer

Somehow, “President Hickenlooper” just doesn’t sound right. But then neither does “President Trump.” But the former Colorado governor is one of nearly two dozen candidates running for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020. And despite his state having the No. 1 economy in the nation, Hickenlooper has no real chance of winning.

So why do they do it? Is it to embellish their profiles or just to raise money? And what happens to that money when they invariably drop out? Money talks and bullshit walks these days, so the most cash talks the most trash. Already, records are being broken for fund-raising, and the campaign hasn’t officially started yet. There are so many aspiring Democrats that you can’t tell the players without a program, so in no particular order, here are the top contenders for the opportunity to crush and humiliate the cruelest president in American history.

Joe Biden: Leave it to the Democrats to kneecap the front-runner before the race begins. Biden’s latest controversy comes from former Nevada state assemblywoman Lucy Flores, who has accused the 76-year-old pol of smelling her hair and giving her a “big slow kiss” on the top of her head. Ever seen Biden swearing in new members of Congress with their families? Joe hugs and kisses everyone. He’s just a hands-on guy. Some find it endearing, but Joe has promised to stop giving neck massages and sniffing hair. Biden comes with enough baggage to fill a cargo plane, already: failed runs for president, plagiarism accusations, the Anita Hill circus, his Iraq war vote. In his favor, Biden said of Trump, “I wish we were in high school. I could take him behind the gym. That’s what I wish.” If that event were put on pay-per-view television, we could clear up the national debt. And to his credit, when Biden was Obama’s Veep, it was a big fucking deal.

Bernie Sanders: I thought I was “feeling the Bern,” but it turned out to be just a urinary tract infection. Bernie’s no longer a novelty, so it will be a lot tougher for him to gain traction this go-round, despite raising $18 million and counting. Ever notice how he throws up a lot of “air quotes” when speaking? I can’t watch him anymore without thinking he’s doing a poor impression of Larry David doing an impression of Bernie. Now that Bernie’s ideas have reached the mainstream, who needs a 77-year-old Jewish Socialist from Vermont? Sit down, Gramps, you’re making me nervous and I’m holding a baseball bat.

Beto O’Rourke: Does he charge for those table dances, or does he do them for free? The former Texas congressman is this year’s golden boy, but just coming close to defeating Ted Cruz, the most loathed Senator in Congress, is not enough for a run at the presidency. He’s loved by millennials for being in a punk rock band called Foss, which is the Icelandic word for “waterfall.” As a teen, O’Rourke was in a computer-hacking group known as the Cult of the Dead Cow, named after an abandoned Lubbock slaughterhouse, where his nom de plume was the “Psychedelic Warlord.” Willie Nelson opened for him at a rally outside of Austin where Beto strapped on a guitar and joined the band in a version of “Roll Me Up and Smoke Me When I Die.” He’s been compared to Robert Kennedy, but when you’re still skateboarding at 46, you’re no RFK, sir.

Pete Buttigieg: “Mayor Pete” of South Bend, Indiana, has become a phenom because he’s intelligent and informed, qualities that used to work in your favor. Buttigieg, pronounced “Boot-edge-edge,” is a tough name to put on a bumper sticker, but he could use the slogan, “Go out on a ledge with Buttigieg.” Mayor Pete speaks seven languages other than English and although he is the first openly gay candidate, he would not be the first gay president. That honor goes to James Buchanan, the “lifelong bachelor” who was often considered the worst president in history until the orange putz emerged. At least he won’t be grabbing anyone by the pussy.

Elizabeth Warren: The Massachusetts Senator already has her nickname from the evil one, “Pocahontas,” for bungling her old family yarns about her alleged Cherokee heritage. But since Orangeface speaks with a forked tongue, she can get past it. Warren is the favorite for taking it to Trump, but the galloping palomino of history might have passed her by in 2016. Still a formidable foe who has suggested breaking up “Big Tech,” which is fine by me. We could use a trust-buster like Teddy Roosevelt, someone who Trump thinks is a Democrat.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Appointed by the New York governor to fill Hillary’s Senate seat, Gillibrand has morphed from a “Blue Dog” Democrat with a 100 percent rating from the National Rifle Association into a “Yellow Dog” Democrat who’s tilted mightily to the left. Known as the main cheerleader for drumming Al Franken out of Congress before it became known that it was a Republican hit job, Gillibrand voted to repeal D.C. laws banning semi-automatic weapons. That translates into no shot for the presidency.

Cory Booker: Rhodes Scholar, former jock at Stanford, vegetarian, and former mayor of Newark, New Jersey, Booker would be our first bald president since Eisenhower, if you don’t count whatever that mess is on Trump’s head. Passionate even when not needed, Booker lived in a low-income housing project called Brick Towers while serving as mayor, so at least he wouldn’t think the White House was a dump. Booker also saved his next-door neighbor from a burning building, making him the first potential Marvel Superhero candidate.

Kamala Harris: A former California prosecutor who made Brett Kavanaugh squirm, Harris would be the perfect candidate to try Trump for his high crimes and misdemeanors. While 27th District Attorney for San Francisco, Harris famously dated the then married mayor Willie Brown. Savvy and politically astute, Harris supports Medicare for all and legalization of marijuana. What’s not to like?

Julian Castro: The former San Antonio mayor is the first Latino candidate, but President Castro? I don’t think so. Too soon. At least he would have a built-in body double.

Not enough space to get to Amy Klobuchar (mean to her staff), Tulsi Gabbard (first Hindu member of Congress), Eric Swalwell (appeared with a frosted buzz-cut in his high school yearbook and annoying presence on cable TV), or Andrew Yang (do we need another businessman?). There are just too many also-rans when the only objective is to boot Mr. Nasty out of office. The word “orange” has no rhyme, but that’s the color he’ll be wearing when he’s doing time.

My pick for the Democratic ticket: Warren/Harris. Make America Maternal Again, (MAMA).

Randy Haspel writes the “Recycled Hippies” blog.

Something magical happened in our federal government last week. Huffington Post said it “will make you believe in politics again.” Time called it “The Future of Bipartisanship.”

The story got national coverage, but it might have been overshadowed. It easily could have been buried under some unfounded wiretapping allegations, defunded meals for homebound seniors, or the threat of nuclear war with North Korea. Every day is a new adventure, after all. Last Tuesday, while America was waiting for Rachel Maddow to freakin’ hurry up with the tax returns before the popcorn runs out, two congressmen from Texas did something Democrats and Republicans just don’t do anymore.

They rode in a car together.

When their flights to Washington were canceled, El Paso Democrat Beto O’Rourke and San Antonio Republican Will Hurd rented a Chevy Impala and hit the road for a “Congressional Cannonball Run.” The pair streamed the trip on Facebook Live and Periscope, answering constituents’ questions and taking song requests. They ordered drive-thru Whataburger. They spent the night in Tennessee’s beautiful Ninth District and stopped at a fine donut establishment called Gibson’s. They were greeted with Texas flags when they arrived at the Capitol, just in time to vote. Later they co-sponsored each other’s bills and even exchanged gifts! Gifts! Between a Republican and a Democrat! Can you believe it?

During the 1,600-mile drive, they “came to some common ground,” O’Rourke told NPR. After bonding over their shared love of velociraptors and John Stamos, they turned to each other and asked, “Did we just become best friends?” Hold on, maybe that was Step Brothers. But you do have to admit this sounds an awful lot like a buddy comedy.

You’re allowed to roll your eyes if, like many of us, you’ve survived a work trip with someone you hated. But this is where we are now. Is it comforting to know that, in these polarizing times, two men from opposing parties can set aside their differences long enough to enjoy a nice long drive? Or is it depressing that elected officials have to be stuck in a Chevy Impala together for 30 hours to prove they can agree on things? No matter where your politics lie, I think we can all agree this is an opportunity for some fun #democracy #content.

Imagine if the boring old presidential debate format — the podiums, the goofy backdrop, the moderators — were replaced by a cross-country road trip. “Uber Presents: The 2020 Constituent Carpool Presented by Facebook.” Candidates would drive together from California to Maine, along the way picking up constituents with questions. Viewers at home could submit questions via Facebook Live. Not only would we learn more about candidates’ policy ideas, we’d find out things that really tell you what you need to know, like what music they listen to and who drives like a jerk. Bernie Sanders seems like a guy who would stay in the left lane the entire time. Ted Cruz definitely wouldn’t use turn signals. He would probably hog the stereo, too. “Driver’s choice!” And then, when he’s riding shotgun: “Focus on the road! I’ll man the tunes!”

A road trip would really spice up confirmation hearings. Load some senators into an SUV, and watch democracy work. “Well, Betsy DeVos did bring some pretty good snacks. However … her answers proved that she doesn’t know anything about education. Also she doesn’t know the words to ’99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall,’ and that’s the real dealbreaker.” Jeff Sessions and Al Franken in a car together. Think about it.

C-SPAN could expand its programming and appeal to a broader audience with a new game show, Don’t Make Me Turn This Car Around. It’s like Cash Cab but with legislators. “After the break, the final question. Will Mitch McConnell and Elizabeth Warren split the grand prize? Or will they … turn this car around?” Spoiler alert: They turn the car around because Mitch won’t answer the question until the people have their say.

The politicians-in-cars concept could pick up speed locally, too. Surely Nashville has enough pedal taverns to accommodate the entire Tennessee legislature, though Mae Beavers would certainly object. County commissioners could bond in the early morning mess on I-40. Maybe the school board can meet in a school bus. Who wouldn’t want to see two City Council members ride a tandem bike across the Big River Crossing?

Forget reaching across the aisle. America, it’s time to reach for the wheel.

Jen Clarke is an unapologetic Memphian and a digital marketing strategist.