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Opinion Viewpoint

Don’t Trust Government

In reading an excellent book, Satanic Purses: Money, Myth and Misinformation, by R.T. Naylor, I suddenly realized why Adolf Hitler was so popular during the first years of his administration.

The funny thing is that the book is not about Hitler or Germany but about the U.S. and the bogus war on terror. It is an outstanding book, carefully researched and footnoted and written in a reasonable manner, though with delicious dollops of sarcasm.

It’s the carefully detailed accounts of injustices committed by the U.S. government against American Muslims that gave me the insight about Hitler.

In the early days of the Third Reich, if you weren’t a criminal, a communist, or a Jew, you never saw the dark side of the Nazi government. You saw an economy being revitalized, superhighways being built, Germans being put back to work, the disgraceful Versailles Treaty being scrapped. It must have looked a lot like morning in Germany to the people who had suffered through runaway inflation, economic depression, and street riots.

Similarly, if you are not a Muslim or an Arab-American who has been a victim of the Patriot Act and other laws carelessly passed in the hysteria following the attacks in 2001, then the Bush administration probably looks perfectly normal. You probably even believe that it is really protecting you from terrorists, just as many Germans believed Hitler was protecting them from the “bad guys.”

What Taylor’s book demonstrates is how often this is pure nonsense and at the same time what terrible damage is being done to the rule of law and America’s traditional respect for human rights.

Typically, the government will swoop down and seize an organization’s records and computers, while making public accusations of the people being “involved” with terrorists. The important point is that this is done before any determination of guilt or innocence has even begun. By the time a defendant gets to court, if he ever does, he’s ruined. Quite often, then the fearless feds will say, “Well, never mind about this terrorist business, just plead guilty to a minor immigration violation.” Often defendants are bullied into admitting guilt they don’t deserve by threats of being declared an enemy combatant, which means indefinite imprisonment, probably for life.

You can see the process going on with the four men charged with planning to blow up the fuel lines to JFK International Airport in New York. In the first place, it is common knowledge that if you blow up a fuel line, you will get an explosion and fire at one point. The claim that the whole pipeline would blow up for miles is nonsense, and the government knows that, but it threw that out to claim the plot endangered “thousands” of lives.

The real question is: Did these guys actually plan it or were they set up by the government’s federal informant? The federal government has a terrible record of using informants to entrap people. The whole tragedy of Ruby Ridge, which cost the lives of Randy Weaver’s wife and son, resulted from a federal informant who nagged Weaver into sawing off the barrels of a shotgun, something any kid can do with a vice and a hacksaw. The feds then arrested Weaver with the intention of forcing him to become an informant, and the tragic farce ensued.

So even though you haven’t felt the arbitrary and unjust power of the government, you should read Satanic Purses and find out just how much deception is involved in this war on terror. You’ll discover how often oil, diamonds, and big business play behind-the-scenes roles in this current so-called war.

As the German people discovered, once a government has unlimited power, it will eventually use that power against everyone.

Charley Reese writes for Lew Rockwell Syndicate. He has been a journalist for 50 years.

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Book Features Books

The Breaks

Two years ago, Memphian Johanna Edwards was producing the local Library Channel’s radio and TV show Book Talk. She was also author of a debut comic novel, The Next Big Thing. Edwards followed that success, the very next year, with Your Big Break. And this month, she’s back with her third novel in as many years: How To Be Cool. It’s the story of 29-year-old, onetime overweight Kylie Chase, a Chicago “image consultant,” whose business is turning the geeky and fashion-challenged into the fashion-conscious and cool. But to her credit (and future happiness), Kylie learns a couple of life lessons: 1) every drop-dead handsome reporter can’t be trusted, and 2) image isn’t everything. But image does count for something — the basis for a book. Ask Johanna Edwards.

“I’m a bit obsessed with images and with how people who seemingly have it all aren’t always as happy as they appear,” Edwards says. “And I think a lot of people hinge their happiness on one thing or another, thinking that once they lose weight or get married or move to another city their life will really begin. It doesn’t actually work that way. In How To Be Cool, I wanted to tell the story of someone who had accomplished her biggest dream — Kylie loses 75 pounds and reinvents herself — but the happily-ever-after isn’t exactly what she bargained for.”

Three novels in three years maybe wasn’t what Edwards bargained for either when she thought to try her hand at fiction. But she’s not complaining. Owing to the success of The Next Big Thing, her publisher, Berkley, signed her to an expanded contract before her second novel even appeared. And she’s entered a new market (young-adult fiction), with a new publisher (Simon & Schuster), and under a new name (“Jo Edwards”). That book is called Love Undercover, which was released in December 2006. And though Edwards is 29, getting into the minds of high-schoolers, she says, was no big deal: “In my head, I’m still a teenager, but my birth certificate would tell you otherwise.”

Getting a grip on her popularity with readers was another matter.

How To Be Cool was the hardest thing I’ve ever written,” Edwards admits. “People say the second book is the most difficult. But for me it was the third, because I delivered Your Big Break to my publisher before The Next Big Thing was released. When writing How To Be Cool I kept thinking, Uh-oh, I’m cussing too much and my grandparents are going to read this! Or: ‘Lisa in Oklahoma’ slammed me on Amazon for having too much plot. Maybe I need to tone down the plot this time around?

“It’s stupid, because with The Next Big Thing I had about 10 major reviews. All of them were positive. But I’d see one bad reader review on Amazon and take it to heart. I used to Google my name — there were lots of blogs out there about me, lots of reader reviews on dozens of Web sites. I was driving myself crazy! So I just quit cold turkey. Now I don’t look at Amazon. I don’t Google my name. And that’s made a HUGE difference in helping me relax.”

Dropping her day job at the Memphis Public Library is also helping Edwards to meet her lifelong goal: full-time writer. “It’s been my dream from day one,” she says, “and I’m still in a state of shock that it came true. As cheesy as it sounds, I really wake up a lot of mornings and pinch myself because I can’t believe it’s true.

“I loved working at the library, producing Book Talk, but it just got to where I couldn’t keep up. At this point, I have six books under contract (counting my two young-adult titles), and I’m also doing some freelance magazine work. So I’m keeping busy writing, which is exactly the way I like it.”

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We Recommend We Recommend

La Piazza!

“Thanks to my training as a performer, I developed enough character to survive four marriages, six children, the subsequent deaths of my husbands, a long struggle with cancer, and the loss of a child to suicide.”

That’s entertainer, wife, mother, and survivor Marguerite Piazza writing in Pagliacci Has Nothing on Me! (Lulu), an autobiography Piazza penned with the help of her daughter Marguerite Bonnett. That’s also Piazza only scratching the surface of what is a remarkable career by any measure.

Born “a thousand years ago” in New Orleans, it wasn’t long before Piazza’s voice took her out of the Crescent City to New York City. There she performed with the New York City Opera in the late 1940s, and there, beginning in 1950, she joined the cast of Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows, which kept her before TV audiences for the next four years. Piazza made her debut at the Metropolitan Opera in 1951, and beginning in the mid-’50s, she took her act on the road, playing supper clubs — from Manhattan to Las Vegas, Boston to Miami Beach — for the next 15 years.

The cast of nationally known characters highlighting Piazza’s book reads like a who’s who: Jack Paar, Alexander Calder, Gypsy Rose Lee, and Richard Nixon, to name a few. But for an author with a local booksigning scheduled — Piazza will be at David-Kidd Booksellers on Friday, May 25th — nothing beats a local tie-in. Make that, in the case of Marguerite Piazza, tie-ins: Memphis, where she’s been on the entertainment, social, and charity scene for decades, is, despite a lifetime of travel, the city she calls home.

Marguerite Piazza signing “Pagliacci Has Nothing on Me!,” Davis-Kidd Booksellers, Friday, May 25th, 6 p.m.

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Book Features Books

Do Tell

Ask Rev. Oliver “Buzz” Thomas about the recent run of religious bestsellers, fiction or nonfiction, and a simple question gets you some plain answers:

The secret behind the popularity of The Secret? “Norman Vincent Peale on steroids,” Thomas says. The Left Behind series? “Horrific theology” is what Thomas thinks of it. And as for that book about the five people you meet in heaven, call it “an ode to sentimental spirituality.” Thomas does. Surely, though, he’s all for the purpose-driven life. Hardly. Thomas describes that so-titled megaseller as “cocksure answers to some of life’s most perplexing questions, all the while condoning the persistent ancient stereotypes of both women, who must be submissive, and gays, who must repent.”

The status of women and the guilt of gays … biblically based understandings of the power of positive thinking … scare-tactic depictions of the end of time … don’t get Rev. Thomas started. Or do. He’ll gladly tell you where he stands, and in 10 Things Your Minister Wants To Tell You (But Can’t, Because He Needs the Job) (St. Martins Press), Thomas does just that — because, despite being a Southern Baptist minister, he doesn’t need the job.

He’s a constitutional lawyer trained at the University of Tennessee and the University of Virginia, and he’s a lecturer on First Amendment rights, as comfortable before church congregations (Baptist, Presbyterian, Episcopalian, you name it) as he is before parent/teacher groups, including the statewide PTA convention in Memphis held earlier this month.

He’s worked in Washington as legal adviser to the National Council of Churches, he’s argued before the Supreme Court, and he’s co-authored The Right to Religious Liberty for the ACLU. He’s guided school boards on the teaching of religion in public schools, and he’s director of Knoxville’s Niswonger Foundation, which works to alleviate poverty through education. He’s also a regular guest contributor to the Op-Ed pages of USA Today, but he grew up, in his own words, “a white-bread country boy” in East Tennessee. A typical Southern Baptist minister he admits he is not.

“You can call me Southern, and you can call me Baptist,” Thomas said in a recent phone interview, “but Southern Baptist probably doesn’t fit these days.”

After reading 10 Things, it’s easy to understand why. Thomas wrote it because he was “weary of the Jerry Falwells and Pat Robertsons of the world.” He was also concerned with what he calls America’s “steeple dropouts” — believers who are turned off by the dominant voices they’re hearing and repelled by what they view as the misuse of strictly interpreted biblical teachings.

When Thomas started writing 10 Things, a small, “reader-friendly” book is what he wanted it to be. A “conversation-starter” is what he’s hoping it becomes. But a “broadside against the Bible”?

According to the author, who was a biblical-studies major at the Union Theological Seminary in New Orleans, 10 Things is anything but. But it is a book “written for all the people who want to live lives of purpose and meaning without having to put their brains in their pockets.” Go to the Bible, he argues, but read it with care and some notion of history. And see it for what it is: a well of meaning. “If we’re not careful,” he writes, “we see only our reflections and miss the water entirely.”

Thomas himself has gotten into some hot water. His outspokenness on behalf of the poor can be traced to his pastoral work in inner-city New Orleans in the late 1970s. His traditional view of gays took a turn when he welcomed a gay high school student into his home after the boy’s father threw him out.

In the end, Thomas said, “Christianity doesn’t have a lot do with what we say about the Bible. The Bible didn’t float down from heaven one day as the inerrant word of God. It was written by human witnesses. It isn’t a perfect document.” Christianity, on the other hand: “It boils down to what we’re willing to do.”

God willing and you’re reading this in time, you have a chance to meet Thomas when he signs 10 Things Your Minister Wants To Tell You at Borders in Germantown (6685 Poplar) on Wednesday, May 16th, at 7 p.m.

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The Wookiee Wins

If you even know what I’m talking about, you may be 1) pasty-skinned, 2) a geek, and 3) the target audience for Daniel Wallace’s visit to the Central Library on Monday. (It takes one to know one.) Wallace is the author of the Essential Guide series of Star Wars books (covering topics like Droids, Planets and Moons, Characters, and Chronology), and, if you didn’t know, his visit is in celebration of the 30th anniversary of the shot heard ’round the geek world: the 1977 release of the original Star Wars movie.

Wallace will be on hand discussing and answering questions about the fanboy-ier points of a galaxy that existed a long time ago, far, far away. Short of the presence of George “flannel shirt” Lucas, who better to do so? My own question: Why isn’t R2-D2 more recognized as the greatest character in the history of film?

Davis-Kidd Booksellers will have copies of Wallace’s books on hand for purchase, and there will be a silent auction to benefit the public library’s science-fiction collection.

So put on your awesome Captain Antilles costume or put your hair up in cinnamon buns, pick up some power converters at Tosche Station, shoot Greedo first, and hyperdrive over to the library. You’ll be in welcome company.

Daniel Wallace at Benjamin L. Hooks Central Library, 3030 Poplar. Monday, May 14th, 6:30 p.m. Call 415-2700 for more information.

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Living Spaces Real Estate

How To Sell Your Home in 5 Days by Bill Effros(Workman, $15.95)

Nobody wants to get stuck with the dead weight that is a house that won’t sell. The vagaries of the market coupled with the pressures of getting on to your next living arrangement can be enough to send your blood pressure shooting. But Bill Effros thinks he has just the sword to cut through this real estate Gordian knot. He calls it the 5-Day Method, and it’s the subject of How To Sell Your Home in 5 Days.

Here’s the method: On Wednesday, “Run an ad offering your home for 50 percent of what you think it’s worth or ‘best offer.'” Mention amenities for your home, times for a home opening that weekend, and include the line “Home will be sold Sunday night to the highest bidder.” On Saturday and Sunday, show your home. On Sunday night, call everyone who left bids and determine who will pay the most. Take the highest amount, and on Monday, call the settlement agent. Including Monday, that’s actually six days, but who’s counting?

The bidding process is a little tricky. It’s called “round-robin” bidding, and all offers are left on bidding sheets that are open to view by others at the open house. After the home showing, the seller calls the bidders and asks those with low bids if they’re willing to top the high bid. Eliminations are made, and the next day, you close with that price (provided you’re happy with it).

One of the bonuses touted by the book is never having to set a price for the home — you let the buyer do it. Another is that there’s no risk. (You are encouraged to tell everyone who places a bid that it is non-binding.) It utilizes free-market concepts to determine the sale price.

Effros’ method is predicated on the idea that the process of selling a home should really be about finding the best buyer — not just any buyer. He says that many homes sell for prices lower than other people would be willing to pay. “You sold to the first bidder, not the high bidder, because you didn’t know the true value of your home. You could have sold it for more,” Effros chides.

Effros assumes that people will want to bid on a home. Many, I’m sure, would. But there’s going to be a lot of potential buyers who are turned off by the whole idea and never even look at the house.

One of the major weak points in the plan is that no mortgage lender will pay more than a house is appraised for. Having someone willing to pay the amount of your wildest dreams is one thing; getting them approved is another. Unless they’re paying cash, be realistic. Effros goes so far as to say, “The bid price isn’t wrong; the appraiser is wrong.” He suggests describing the five-day plan to the appraiser and/or bank to get them to increase the appraisal/alter their stance.

How To Sell Your Home in 5 Days also has a section dedicated to advice that is good for any home seller, whether or not they use the five-day method. Knowing what to fix is especially put under the microscope, summed up in the axiom “Fix nothing unless you’re certain you’ll get back two dollars for every dollar you spend.” (This excludes repairs required by law after a professional inspection.)

Some statements, such as “There are always more people who want to buy homes than there are homes. It’s just a question of price,” sound a little questionable. The author also claims, “When this book is exactly followed, the 5-Day Method works every time.” He adds the caveat: “Alter the method at your own peril.”

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Book Features Books

Manhunt

David Garrow stopped short of the story in Bearing the Cross (1985). Taylor Branch stopped short of it in At Canaan’s Edge (2006). And just this month, Michael Honey stopped short too in Going Down Jericho Road. The “story” is James Earl Ray and the events leading up to his murder of Martin Luther King Jr. in Memphis and the events that led to Ray’s capture two months later.

Native Memphian Hampton Sides (Ghost Soldiers, Blood and Thunder) isn’t about to stop short. In his latest book project, Sides wants to pick up where the historians left off. A “big, multi-tentacled narrative” of “novelistic intrigue” is how Sides describes it. A “storyteller,” not a historian, is how Sides describes himself.

But first, the setting: Memphis, 1968. As Sides said in a recent interview, he intends to do for the Bluff City what John Berendt did for Savannah in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil and what Erik Larson did for Chicago in The Devil in the White City: raise the city to the level of a central character — a character among characters, including, in the year of King’s assassination, the “King” himself, Elvis Presley, about to make his “Comeback Special”; artist William Eggleston, on his way to a major breakthrough in fine-art photography; the late Otis Redding, on the charts with “(Sittin’ on the) Dock of the Bay”; and Fred Smith, back from piloting in Vietnam and with an idea to sell. Cybill Shepherd? She was an East High student with a ticket to Hollywood.

Those are some of Sides’ proposed side characters, but the focus of his new book will be twofold: King, of course, at a turning point in his civil rights leadership, and Ray, a man no storyteller could ignore, though you can ignore the conspiracy theories surrounding Ray’s acting or not acting alone. Sides — who thinks of those theories as “vaguely plausible” to “wacky” — is going largely to ignore them. The life of James Earl Ray is narrative enough: petty criminal, amphetamine addict, jailbird, escape artist, dabbler in the porn business, bounty hunter (possibly) when he heard of a price on King’s head, then international fugitive in the biggest and costliest manhunt in American history. And no, Ray won’t be King’s “alleged” killer. To Sides, there’s no shadow of a doubt.

It’s a story Sides feels he was “born” to tell. His father was a member of the law firm that represented King during the sanitation strike that brought the civil rights leader to Memphis. Sides’ grandfather’s photography studio on Beale was damaged when the march King was leading, days before his death, erupted into violence.

It’s also a story that will bring Sides to Memphis repeatedly after leaving the city 25 years ago. But it will mean moving fast. Sides expects his research to take a couple years — years that require interviewing eyewitnesses to the events in Memphis in April 1968. If you were an eyewitness too with a story to tell, contact Hampton Sides at P.O. Box 111497, Memphis TN 38111-1497.

Three Six Mafia said it: “It’s hard out here for a pimp.” “Here” is Memphis, and it may be equally hard for the city to go “green.” Out of the 50 largest cities in the U.S., Memphis ranked #43 overall (tying with Detroit) in How Green Is Your City? (New Society Publishers), a study conducted by Warren Karlenzig and others of SustainLane, an Internet and media company empowering people, businesses, and government to work toward an ecologically sound, sustainable future.

It isn’t total bad news, however. In the individual categories of tap-water quality and housing affordability, Memphis did better than all right. But in the categories of “local food and agriculture” (farmer’s markets) and “LEED” (“green” buildings), the city bombed. Worse, as far as “city innovation,” “energy/climate change policy,” “green economy,” and “knowledge base,” the results weren’t just bad, they were N/A. As in, nonexistent.

“We couldn’t get any response from Memphis officials,” Karlenzig said in a phone interview. Why? “I have no idea. My guess is that Memphis didn’t have anyone whose job responsibility included addressing these issues.” Asked, however, if Karlenzig was aware of the recent greenbelt proposal linking the inner city of Memphis with Shelby Farms, he expressed ignorance.

So, do Karlenzig and Memphis a favor before the next edition of How Green Is Your City?. If you’re a local government official, go to www. sustainlane.us. Register and let Karlenzig and crew know about Memphis’ “best practices” when it comes to the city’s environmental initiatives.

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Book Features Books

The Joy of Cooking?

On the night of August 28, 1971 — the night Chez Panisse, the famed Berkeley, California, restaurant, opened its doors — a four-course meal (pâté, roast duck, a plum tart, and coffee) cost $3.95. Twenty years later, $3.95 (adjusted for inflation) was $13, but at Chez Panisse, that same opening-night dinner (with soup) cost $65.

Who was willing to pay the price? According to an irate letter to The San Francisco Chronicle signed by five Berkeley residents (they’d observed in August 1991 the restaurant’s birthday bash in the form of a top-dollar farmer’s market), “Lamborghini Leftists,” that’s who. The city of Berkeley, that hotbed of ’60s radicalism, was becoming, in the words of that letter, “a parody of itself and its purported ideals.”

The point was worth taking, because when Chez Panisse began, it wasn’t about costing an arm and a leg. It was about good honest eating (with heavy borrowings from the French) at a good price in the company of good friends — a “family” of friends, as Alice Waters, founder of Chez Panisse, envisioned it and as native Memphian Thomas McNamee describes it in Alice Waters and Chez Panisse — two names but one book, because the two names are inseparable.

But more importantly, there’s the singular Alice Waters, who, we’re told in the foreword by R.W. Apple Jr., is not a chef (though Waters has served as head, in a pinch, in the Chez Panisse kitchen). Nor is she much of a businesswoman (though, finally, the place does make money). Nor is she much of a writer (despite the six cookbooks that carry her name). What she is is driven, and what she has is an iron will (despite the surface girlishness). And she’s got taste. It’s infallible. It’s what served Waters well when she encountered traditional French cooking in the mid-’60s. It’s what Waters depends on when she pronounces a plate from the Chez Panisse kitchen fit to serve. And it’s what saw Waters through a failed marriage, money shortages, periodic personal burnouts, and assorted crises in the lives of her admiring kitchen workers and servers. If there are Chez Panisse ex-kitchen workers and ex-servers who don’t admire her, you won’t hear them here.

And what’s not to admire? Waters was in the vanguard of those who called for seasonal ingredients, for organic produce, for sustainable farming, and for employee fairness. She was at the forefront against agribusinesses, and her name is forever linked, fairly or not, with every twist and turn in recent taste: la nouvelle cuisine, California cuisine, and the Slow Food movement. Waters’ horror at school lunch programs led her to establish the “Edible Schoolyard” project. And she took the president of Yale to task after observing the substandard stuff fed to students (Waters’ daughter, at the time, one of them).

So, again, what’s not to admire? Something central. And maybe it has to do with Waters’ very iron will. Her taste? Yes, it’s infallible, according to Alice Waters and Chez Panisse. But the late Julia Child (whom Waters knew and respected but from a distance) communicated something else: joy. Give me 65 bucks, and I’ll bet that Child’s the better dinner partner. Waters can do the cooking.

Alice Waters and Chez Panisse

By Thomas McNamee

The Penguin Press, 367 pp., $27.95

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Book Features Books

Lamebrain

Lucinda Hoekke is 29 and the bassist for a band in Los Angeles (circa sometime before the invention of the cell phone). But the band doesn’t have a name, it’s never played in public, and Lucinda doesn’t know what to do. So what she does is answer the phone and listen to numbskull complaints by anonymous callers in an empty art gallery for her insufferable friend, the gallery’s owner and the artist behind a performance-art piece called “The Complaint Line” — a guy named Falmouth. But “Falmouth” isn’t the worst of it.

Lucinda’s on-and-off boyfriend, the band’s lead singer, is named Matthew Plangent. The band’s drummer is Denise Urban, who, when she isn’t drumming, works in a sex shop, so at least she has a job. The band’s guitarist and songwriter (though these days he’s “blocked”) is Bedwin Greenish, who spends his time not writing or working but searching Fritz Lang’s Human Desire for what he calls “text fragments.”

Off to the side is Jules Harvey, an armpit-sniffing promoter who gets the band a gig (another art project of Falmouth’s, this one mixing inaudible rock music and audience confusion), which wins the band a spot on Fancher Autumnbreast’s influential radio show, The Dreaming Jaw. But the band ruins the live broadcast after Carl Vogelsong, a middle-age loser and lover of Lucinda’s, butts in and balks at having his inane pronouncements co-opted as lyrics by Lucinda, which do indeed unblock Bedwin and win the band a half-minute of alt-rock fame. Meanwhile, Matthew is harboring a depressed kangaroo named Shelf in his bathtub, and, in a later meanwhile, Matthew’s zookeeper boss, Dr. Marian Rorschach, motorcycles with her brand-new boyfriend, Vogelsong, who started this whole sorry story as the star complainer on “The Complaint Line.”

People, this is lame. But it’s by Jonathan Lethem (author of the novels The Fortress of Solitude and Motherless Brooklyn), and it’s called You Don’t Love Me Yet, which is called a “delightfully comic romp” by Lethem’s publisher, Doubleday, and it’s good of Doubleday to let us know. Otherwise, Lethem’s pitch-unperfect depiction of low-life alt-rockers might have us thinking he doesn’t have a clue what he’s writing about. And as for the writing …

On an L.A. street “sporadic pedestrians blobbed past on their shadow forms.” In other scenes, a Polaroid camera “chugged out its product,” and Lucinda, grocery basket in hand, “hoisted the freight to her hip.” And later, Lucinda, “her teeth bared and eyeballs bugged,” breaks into Matthew’s apartment “in commitment” to her “idiot foray,” which leaves Matthew’s eyeballs “turtled in bafflement.” And the morning after the “foray”? Lucinda “cinched open her crumb-gummed lids.” And as for the band, once it gets its act together? It’s “got something, and some of the something they’ve got is the allure of an enclave at odds within itself and yet impenetrable to others, its members exchanging small gestures of disaffection within their troupe that makes others crave to be included in the fond dissension.”

Lethem, who in 2005 won one of those MacArthur “genius” grants, in You Don’t Love Me Yet engages in not only the unfunny and tone-deaf but in the subliterate as well.

No Joke

He is professor of English and American Literature at Harvard. His specialty is American cultural history. He regularly writes for The New Yorker and The New York Review of Books. And he won a Pultizer Prize for The Metaphysical Club (2001), a quadruple (and highly readable) biography of late-19th-century thinkers Oliver Wendell Holmes, William James, Charles Sanders Peirce, and John Dewey. He is Louis Menand. Hear what he has to say when Menand delivers a talk on “Art and Ideas in the Cold War” at the University of Memphis on Thursday, April 5th. The lecture begins at 6:30 p.m. in the Panhellenic Building (384 Patterson). A reception begins at 6 p.m.; a booksigning follows the talk.

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It’s Official

“In the Mississippi Delta, funerals bring out the best in people, while weddings … bring out the worst.”

So write authors Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays on the opening page of Somebody Is Going To Die If Lilly Beth Doesn’t Catch That Bouquet: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Wedding (Hyperion, $19.95), their follow-up to Being Dead Is No Excuse: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral.

Being dead, however, sounds like a great excuse if it means escaping the ground rules for a proper Southern wedding. As Metcalfe and Hays explain — and will be happy to re-explain at their booksigning on April 10th at the Church of the Holy Communion — if you’re a bride-to-be: be perfect (skinny and tan, if you can). If you’re a groom-to-be: be presentable (and preferably sober). And if you’re the MOB (that’s the mother of the bride): You rule! But “don’t spend more time planning the wedding than the marriage is expected to last.” It’s bad form in the Delta, home base for Metcalfe and Hays, two writers who look to be heading for a “Southern ladies” franchise in publishing. And why not? The Greenville natives know their do’s and don’ts, and they know how to take a satirical turn every sentence or two.

Years ago, Hays took her own turn — north. From Greenville, she headed to Lausanne, then to Rhodes College, then to New York City, where she wrote for the New York Post‘s gossipy “Page Six” and for New York magazine, Spy, Town & Country, and The New Republic. Today, she lives in Washington, D.C., and works as senior editor at the Independent Women’s Forum, whose motto reads: “All Issues Are Women’s Issues.” For proof, ask Lilly Beth.

Booksigning by Gayden Metcalfe and Charlotte Hays, Church of the Holy Communion, Cheney Parish Hall (4645 Walnut Grove), Tuesday, April 10th, 7 p.m. To reserve a copy of “Somebody Is Going To Die if Lilly Beth Doesn’t Catch That Bouquet,” call Burke’s Book Store at 278-7484. For more information, go to www.burkesbooks.com.