Tag: Brett Kavanaugh

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Opinion The Last Word

The News From Hell: Keeping Up With DT

CREDIT: REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

Remember Brent Kavanaugh? Or was it Bart? Those noxious hearings seem so long ago, I can hardly remember. I seem to recall something about the rollicking activities of Bart and his bros P.J., Squi, and Tobin having a “drink until you puke” contest during Beach Week on a private island somewhere. In between alcohol-fueled episodes of bird-dogging teenage girls, Kavanaugh’s Krewe was directly responsible for the banning of beer on the beach because girls kept getting sand in their Schlitz.

It seems Burt may have received serious mental impairment from Beach Week, because 30 years later, he sat in front of a Senate sub-committee and continued to repeat the phrase, “I like beer,” as if it were some sort of alcoholic zombie mantra.

The all night benders, the shit-faced stupors, along with the alleged sexual assaults, are just the qualities many fine people look for in a Supreme Court Justice. I heard Thurgood Marshall was known to butt-chug some suds while attending keggers at Howard University Law School. I don’t know for sure but many people are saying that. He shouldn’t worry. I understand that Thurgood Marshall is getting more popular every day. He and Frederick Douglass rented a loft in D.C. where they have “brewski orgies” every weekend. Bruce Kavanaugh is still waiting for an invitation.

REUTERS/Jonathan Ernst

Jeff Sessions

Trump got his frat-boy “fixer” onto the Supreme Court just in time to quash any pesky subpoenas he might receive to testify before the special counsel. Weren’t the tumultuous Kavanaugh hearings supposed to be the major issue for the Republicans in the mid-terms? Oops. As usual, Trump had to change the subject to make it all about himself. He told his rabid cultists to “pretend I’m on the ballot,” and they did. Either voters believed his racist and maniacal rantings about the caravan filled with ISIS terrorists and horny “big, strong men” walking from Honduras to your town to have their way with your women and spread exotic diseases — or you believed the truth.

Fox News even featured an ex-ICE agent who said the migrants were bringing smallpox, leprosy, and TB, even though smallpox was eradicated in 1980. According to President Norman Bates, Democrats are evil people who “don’t care about crime and want illegal immigrants to pour in and infest” the nation. When Nancy Pelosi objected to the reference of migrants as “animals,” Trump responded by stating that she “came out in favor of MS-13.” Miraculously, when the election was over, the caravan vanished from the news, except for Trump’s stunt sending 5,000 troops to spend Thanksgiving in West Texas eating turkey and dressing from an MRE pouch.

Trump’s post-election press conference was the most graceless, combative, and condescending yet. Words can’t compare with the YouTube video you should see for yourself. His singling out of CNN’s Jim Acosta as, “A rude, terrible person [who] shouldn’t be working for CNN,” was only the beginning of the cratering of decency. After the press berating, the unforgivably recused Jeff Sessions only lasted an hour. Trump left it to General John Kelly to do the firing. This was expected, but before Trump flew off to France, he installed his pool boy as acting attorney general. The lackey’s name is Matt Whitaker, who looks like a bouncer in a biker bar, but was actually a huckster for World Patent Marketing, a fraudulent invention promotion firm that scammed clients out of $26 million dollars, including the doomed investments from their marketing outreach program for veterans. The FTC shut the company down in 2017 citing “threats, intimidation, and gag clauses,” and froze their assets. Now who doesn’t deserve a job in the White House after that? Especially since Whitaker wrote in USA Today that Hillary should be indicted and appeared on CNN advocating for limitations to the Mueller probe. It’s become obvious that in the lame-duck session, the cornered Trump will do as much damage as possible before the new Congress comes in and demands to see his birth certificate, so expect more Brownshirt rallies.

Cable news pundits assert that Democrats should feel elated for taking back the House, but this election left me disgusted. I’m dismayed that nearly half the country thinks that this sociopath’s blatant racism, sexism, and fear of the “other” is all right by them. This was the most vile, repulsive, and racist campaign in my lifetime, and that was just in Tennessee. The former “image consultant,” Marsha Blackburn, embraced every Trump atrocity, and then some. Her television ads were a disgrace. Sure, Phil Bredesen stepped on his dick with the whole Kavanaugh business, but I naively believed enough people thought he was a good enough governor to be elected. He wasn’t just beaten, he was slaughtered, proving that fear-mongering works among the rural folk. Our little corner of Tennessee was a blue canoe in the midst of a redneck sea. Trump has pledged a “war footing” if the Democrats begin investigating his abuses, meaning nothing gets done for the foreseeable future.

There hasn’t been one calm day since this duck-tailed Colonel Parker clone took office. California is currently experiencing the deadliest fires in its history, on top of the 12 people slaughtered in a bar by a twisted gunman with an illegal extended magazine. Trump has yet to utter a word. He has, however, announced the winners of this year’s Presidential Medal of Freedom awards, including right-wing Justice Antonin Scalia, baseball legend Babe Ruth, and home-boy, Elvis Presley. At least he doesn’t have to worry if they’ll be showing up for the medal ceremony.

Randy Haspel writes the “Recycled Hippies” blog.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Spooky Times: Helpful Halloween Costume Ideas for 2018

CREDIT: Tony Posnanski via Twitter

Halloween is only a couple of weeks away. Hard to believe, right? With temperatures still hovering in the 80s, coffee shops might as well serve their pumpkin spice lattés in hollowed-out coconuts. Festively arranged seasonal gourds look out of place when the outdoor pool at the YMCA is still open.

For some, the past 22 months or so have felt like an endless haunted house of confusion and outrage. Behind every door awaits a new “Oh, what now?” Some are merely head-scratchers, like the unexplained and unnecessary deregulations gifted to niche interest groups. Others, true oh-my-God-how-is-this-happening nightmare fuel, like the enduring detention of immigrant children, deteriorating relationships with allies — Canada? Really? — and the shameful display of victim-shaming and mockery that recently took place a few miles south of us at a Southaven campaign rally.

As for the aforementioned unseasonal heat, according to UN scientists we have until 2030 to stem the rapidly escalating damage wrought by climate change. How about that Paris Agreement?

Tony Posnanski via Twitter

Beer-Lovin’ Brett

Yeah, spooky times have indeed arrived. I can’t blame you if you haven’t started thinking about your Halloween costume yet. So here are a few ideas to help you stand out among all the Sexy Handmaids and save you from the line to buy the Halloween store’s last raggedy wig on October 30th.

This first one is easy and timely — then again, who knows what will happen between now and the end of the month to bury those contentious Senate hearings in our collective consciousness? You might not be the only Beer-Lovin’ Brett at your Halloween shindig, but you’ll be comfortable and you’re guaranteed to have a good time even if you don’t remember it. Snag a black robe (pants optional for the Justice of the Party, woo!) and behave like the overprivileged jerk in an ’80s college movie. A beer helmet is not required, but drinking beer and talking about how much you like beer are. Sneer and rant about left-wing conspiracies and cry about your high school bros in the same sentence. You’ll get a lifetime appointment to a roaring good time.

Next, this unconventional couple costume might look like a dinosaur and a unicorn, but tuned-in Tennesseans know who you really are: former governor/Senate hopeful Phil Bredesen and a Moderate Republican! The Moderate Republican doesn’t have to be a unicorn, of course. It can be any made-up or extinct creature or a visual manifestation of wishful thinking. Let that imagination run wild! And let your dino — “Democrat In Name Only” — date chase you around all night. Bonus points if he arrives with another group of friends and ditches them to buy a round for the guy in the Brett Kavanaugh costume. What are they going to do? Hang out with Marsha — the woman whose positions are so toxic, even human vanilla scoop Taylor Swift had no choice but to speak out? He’s their ride home so they have no choice. What an exciting time for our state.

If you’re as exhausted by politics as I am, you’ll enjoy these next two. This is Memphis, after all, where “Everything sucks, let’s basketball” is a cherished coping mechanism. After a disappointing year in Hoop City, we needed a little hope. FedExForum was packed to the rafters for Memphis Madness, with thousands of fans eager to catch a glimpse of two people. Not Penny Hardaway and coveted recruit James Wiseman, silly. According to a few sports-talk dudes, the true men of the hour were Justin Timberlake and Drake, two Real Memphians who totally rep the city all the time and not just when it’s convenient. If you plan on staying in this Halloween, have a friend start a rumor that you’re attending a party as Drake or JT. Don’t actually commit yourself. If anybody asks, say nothing. Don’t show up. See how ridiculous that sounds, Tiger fans?

Finally, sticking with the theme of ridiculous Tiger fans, one of my favorite sports phenomena. Inspired by the timeless catchphrase of chatty fans, I call this last costume “I’ll Hang Up and Listen.” If you have any University of Memphis or Memphis State gear, all you need is a cell phone and an arsenal of terrible sports opinions. Yell things like “I been follerin’ the Tigers since Moe Iba and I never seen defense this bad! Go Tigers” and “Penny needs to play [insert walk-on here] more; that kid’s got a cannon! Go Tigers” into the phone. The less coherent, the better. If you can’t think of anything clever, call for someone’s job and name-drop a coach or obscure player from 40 years ago. Sure, this isn’t unique to Memphis, but I like to keep it local.

I hope these ideas help you create a memorable Halloween look. If not, you can always bring back Sexy Mitch McConnell. Happy Halloween!

Jen Clarke is an unabashed Memphian and a digital marketing specialist.

Categories
Letter From The Editor Opinion

Caught in the Devil’s Triangle

As the Memphis summer stubbornly surrenders to October, I’m sitting at a sidewalk table on South Main, drinking coffee. Tourists wander by, enjoying the morning sun, looking for the National Civil Rights Museum or Sun Studio or the Peabody. Who knows? It’s a glorious day. They’re on vacation, passing through. I’m probably going to be on Facebook in that photo one of them just took — a bit player in their memories of Memphis.

It’s been a strange and sad week hereabouts. The after-effects of the senseless murder of Memphis Chamber director Phil Trenary linger like a bad dream. Watching the surveillance video of Trenary was gut-wrenching. We see him walking along Front Street, chatting on his cell phone, headed home from a happy event at Loflin Yard. As we watch him stride out of the camera’s eye, we know what he didn’t know — that he had only minutes to live. It’s a gut punch, one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever watched. I wish whatever peace and strength can be found in these sad days to his family and friends.

To be honest, everything has seemed a little disjointed and awful recently. The country seems broken, like some essential element has gone missing. The truth itself has become a devalued currency — cheapened by the endless parade of prevarication and bluster and avarice that populates the seemingly 24-minute news cycle. We are exhausted, and the disconnect between American political tribes has never been greater.

Last Thursday morning, Americans watched a woman, Christine Blasey Ford, give testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee that SCOTUS candidate Brett Kavanaugh had assaulted her in high school. That afternoon, Kavanaugh spoke loudly and emotionally in his own defense.

Twenty million Americans watched the hearing. It was like a Rorschach test for the country. Those on the right saw Ford as disingenuous, a woman intent on destroying a good man, a Democratic party operative whose only motive was to delay Kavanaugh’s rightful confirmation. Many others, including me, saw Kavanaugh’s performance as a perjurious charade, with one lie cascading after another. His body language, his tears, his sniffs and snorts, his anger all seemed calculated and fake — total bullshit. I was reminded of the time when I was in high school and my father saw an inscription in my yearbook that mentioned “slamming Buds.” He said, “You better not be drinking beer.” Oh no, I said. That’s just what we call each other, “slamming Buds.” I’m sure my father knew I was full of crap, just as I’m sure Kavanaugh knows that “boofing” and the “Devil’s triangle” aren’t terms for flatulence and a drinking game with quarters, and that he was a belligerent drunk on many occasions.

Will Kavanaugh’s lies — big and small — keep him off the Supreme Court? Sadly, I doubt it. Will an FBI investigation and additional testimony from his friends and classmates that utterly destroy Kavanaugh’s self-created image of a church-going choir boy and dedicated student-athlete have a real effect? Sadly, I doubt it. The Republicans are going for the trifecta — control of all three branches of government — while they have the chance, and nothing is going to stop them.

For good reasons, one-party control of the government was not at all what our Founding Fathers had in mind. They wanted a system of checks and balances when it came to wielding power. But checks and balances don’t work if there is no balance, if one party holds all the checks, if the three branches of government become a version of the Devil’s triangle. And nobody, not the Founding Fathers or any of us, was prepared for an amoral, loose-cannon president like Donald Trump, or for the pervasive influence of easily manipulated and targeted social media. We are in a fix, my friends.

But enough angst for now. My coffee cup is empty, and solutions to our national ennui and our local problems seem no closer than they were after my first sip. An election nears, however, and in my opinion, the great American experiment with democracy is approaching a crossroads.

What to do? It’s not an original thought, but it’s all I’ve got right now: Register to vote and cast your ballot like our country’s future depends on it.

Bruce VanWyngarden

brucev@memphisflyer.com