Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Say ‘Thank You’

Dear friend, I am writing to you from my native city and home, Memphis, Tennessee. It is an easy Sunday morning complete with blue skies and sunshine. The temperature is a balmy 70 degrees. Will it remain easy? Not sure. As I write, the U.S. presidential election is two days away. To stay hopeful in this season of rampant misinformation and uncivilized politics, my steady focus is on “thanks-giving.” Despite the rising cost of food and the outcome of the election, I trust that Americans who believe in democracy will still rise up this November to prepare joyful fellowships of feasting for family, friends, and the unhoused. No matter who wins on November 5th, I am believing that no one will steal or kill our spirt of gratitude for what remains good, generous, and kind. Remember the marching activists during the American Civil Rights Movement? They sang, “Ain’t gonna let nobody turn me around!” This must be our battle cry. In our homes and on the job, we must vow to be active expressions of gratefulness, even if we stand alone doing so.   

When I was a small child, I saw the power of gratitude modeled in the life of my godmother, Lucile Brazil Thompson, a valued employee at the local Buckman Laboratories. Whenever I gave Mama ’Cile a gift, she would mail a thank you note that was stamped and addressed to me. It was exciting to receive her travel postcards and thank-you notes because mail in my name made me feel grown and her words of gratitude made me feel appreciated. I loved to share gifts with Mama ’Cile because ultimately, I received the gift of a thank you note. 

Before I could spell well or write cursive letters, my mother Earline Duncan made me compose handwritten thank you cards when I received personal gifts. As a small child, I enjoyed receiving the cards, but I did not enjoy writing them. I would cry loudly, “Mama! I wanna use the telephone.” 

A quick call on one of those big black rotary phones did not suit my godmother’s standard of decorum and a phone call was not Earline Duncan’s favorite expression of gratitude, either. My mother would scold me and say, “When somebody takes precious time to buy you a gift, you should take precious time to write them a note.” I would grumble and push through the task, making sure to write complete sentences in my large block letters.

Composing personalized thank-you notes with gel pens and USPS Black Heritage Stamps is now a lifelong habit for me. No gift exchange is complete on my part until I have formally expressed my gratitude with a card and postage stamp. She is dead now but to my mother’s point, when a person spends money or time to offer me a kindness, I think it is good manners to reciprocate the sacrifice and serve them joy with a written acknowledgement that is more engaging and lasting than a quick text, phone call, or silence. 

In the tradition of Mama ’Cile and Earline Duncan, I encourage people to purchase greeting cards and postage before they need them. Keep a stash of stationery and stamps on deck especially during the winter holidays when there is a constant surge of giving and receiving gifts. In this way, you will be poised to make your thankful expressions promptly. The challenge to stop your routine and go buy stamps or cards will not exist. 

This idea of gratitude brings me back to the election. By the time you receive this missive from me, America will have a new president. And most likely, you will be planning your Thanksgiving gathering or attending one. Despite the election outcome, think about the good in life that remains and allow thoughts of gratitude to fill your heart with hope. 

Gratitude, like love, requires action. Therefore, make expressions of “thanks-giving” a constant part of your days. Refuse silence, discouragement, and giving-up. Acknowledge your blessings in thoughts, words, and deeds. Gratitude elevates the mood. It is a winning attitude. Say thank you. 

Alice Faye Duncan writes for children. She is the author of fourteen books including I Gotta Sing and Yellow Dog Blues. She will sign books Saturday, November 30th, at the Butterific Bakery & Café. Her website alicefayeduncan.com.

Categories
Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

To Jambush or Not to Jambush? An ethical dilemma for solo musicians on the bar scene

Dude, we all love Sid Selvidge. But the best way to honor his memory is to not show up to his tribute concert and jambush the performers from the audience. What the fuck?

  • Dude, we all love Sid Selvidge. But the best way to honor his memory is to not show up to his tribute concert and jambush the performers from the audience. What the fuck?

Gentle reader,

Over the course of human evolution scientists have observed one consistent difference between good people and fuckwits. Good people— perhaps even more notably good musicians— don’t naturally assume that every instrumentalist playing in a bar somewhere in the vast expanse between Disneyland and Yankee Stadium, has been sitting up nights, stroking an unrequited boner, just waiting for the special moment when yet another drunk they don’t know walks up and says those seven magic words: “Hey… Lemme play harmonica with you guys!”

Friends, I don’t want to be a buzzkill. I have no desire to crush anybody’s dreams of stardom, or at least getting to second base with a stranger who smells faintly of urine. But unless your name is Little Walter, and you’ve come back from the grave to rock, I can almost guarantee that the band, and the fans who’ve come to see that band, really wish you just fucking wouldn’t.

It has come to my attention that Memphis is in the throes of a Jambush epidemic. Fully grown adults who are old enough to vote and buy liquor are bringing their own musical instruments to concerts like they were going to some kind of open mic night. Simply put, this shit needs to stop. I mean, you don’t go to fucking Rigoletto and beatbox all the way through “La Donne e Mobile,” do you? Well?

Just the other night, at a popular Cooper-Young drinking establishment, some guy was so hellbent on playing with the band he literally put his balls on the line.

I kid you not.

“If I suck you can all punch me in the nuts,” he said, indicating with his delicate harmonica-player’s hands, the exact location of the alleged target. This ploy, while inventive, was unsuccessful due, primarily, to a lack of collateral. It’s more effective to propose that any nut- punching happens in advance of the joint performance, as a kind of insurance policy covering time that can’t be regained, and any harm that might befall an individual song or music’s historical reputation for taming our savage instinct.

If you still want to blow that thing after 5-good sack-shots, buddy come on.

Look, we all have our fantasies. We’ve all been to a bar where a band is playing, and we’re having a good time, and dropping some Jagerbombs, and maybe smelling a little toilet seat cocaine, and, naturally, we start to fantasize a little about what it might be like to be awesome. We think, “damn, those band guys sure look cool.” And, “Hey, I know how to band! I mean, I’ve never been in a band, but it just so happens I’m wearing my John Popper-autographed harmonica vest, and it’s totally loaded. And anyway, I’d probably be doing these jerks a favor if I sat in. We could maybe play something with a funky groove. Like “Brown Eyed Girl.”

If that’s you…

Well, what can I say? You’re probably still a dipshit, but at least you’re a perfectly normal dipshit. When you act on this douchebag fantasy, that’s when you become everybody’s problem.

So listen. If you want to act like your mama raised you right and you’ve got some fucking manners, here’s how to let a band know you’re interested in playing with them.

1. Wait until after the show is over.

2. Go tell the musicians how much you enjoyed the performance.

3. You might even throw down a nice tip.

4. In fact, do that last thing I mentioned. Yeah.

and lastly…

5. If everybody’s getting on well enough, you might mention that you play a little harp and would love to get together and maybe jam sometime.

If you follow these five polite steps chances are someone in the band will say, “Sure thing, cool dude! And if you’ve got an accordion, bring that with you too!”

This guy is fucking with you. And you still totally deserve it.

Categories
News

Timely Tips For Dealing With Bands For The Holidays

The following comes to us via the Rev. Billy C. Wirtz, who plays Beale Street on occasion.

BAND CLAIRVOYANCE: When requesting a song from the band, just say “play my
song!” We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of
the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all* songs
ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we
really don’t remember that tune you want, we’re only kidding. Bands do know
every* song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be… it
helps jog the memory, or just keep repeating your request over and over
again if a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try
singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per
set, followed by the phrases, “AW COME ON!” and, “YOU SUCK!” Exaggerated hand
gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well,
such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to
jog a band’s memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of “Personal
Friend Of The Band.” You can bet your request will be the next song we play.

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive. We don’t actually make set lists or rehearse
songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An
entertainer’s job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don’t let them
off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

Once you’ve figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your
requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If
its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-eyed
Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their
musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens….immediately.

TALKING WITH THE BAND: The best time to discuss anything with the band in
any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are
singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out
your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And
we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don’t worry that we’re in the middle of the chorus.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it’s because they didn’t get a good look
at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to overemphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don’t be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn’t answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it’s
because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.

IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or
her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their
head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation
to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your
hands. Don’t give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the
back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by
their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from
behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it’s not
impossible, so keep trying. They’re especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.

HELPING THE BAND: If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band
will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can
remain standing on stage. If you’re too drunk to stand unassisted, simply
lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you
see. Just pretend you’re in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on
stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound,
and the louder you should sing.
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to
sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than
outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played
out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always
needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

Finally, the microphone
and PA system are merely props, they don’t really amplify your voice, so
when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to scream into it at
the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you
are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow, and the crowd and the sound guy will love
you for it.

BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have
successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the
following day to offer you a position.

See you at the next gig!