Tag: Fly on the Wall

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Memphis is Funny, 2018: The Year in Parody

It’s been a great year for Fly on the Wall’s fake news team Davis Christopher and Peripheral Gibson. Together our parodists covered everything from Senator-elect Marsha Blackburn’s hair being identified as a brain-eating alien parasite, to riverfront development. Here are the top 5 Fly on the Wall parodies of 2018, in no particular order.

1.Tom Lee Park Redesign ‘Totally Unrelated To Atlantis’ New Riverfront Chief Says
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON
At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, Carol Coletta, head of the Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), previously called the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC), told reporters that her organization’s plans to dramatically alter the landscape of Tom Lee Park have nothing to do with her predecessor’s ambitious project to raise the lost, subaquatic city-state of Atlantis from the depths of the Mississippi River.

“Our plan will activate the park space for all Memphians, and make it more attractive to Memphis In May festival goers,” said Coletta. “It’s totally unrelated to the RDC’s plans to raise Atlantis.”

Coletta joined the RDC in March, replacing Benny Lendermon, who had announced the public-private partnership’s multimillion dollar plan to spend millions of dollars on targeted nuclear explosives that would trigger powerful earthquakes bringing the long hidden city/state of Atlantis back to the Above World, presumably to rule over a golden age of peace and prosperity for Memphis and the Mid-South region. *CLICK TO CONTINUE READING*


2. Men at War
Old Friends Won’t Let Women Bring Them Down
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER

Gunner Armstrong shakes his head, and digs into his backpack to retrieve a freshly purchased bottle of pepper spray. “I don’t know how effective this stuff is,” he mumbles, pulling on his reading glasses and skimming the directions. “I had a friend in college who would get a couple of beers in him and squirt it in his mouth like it was breath freshener.”

Like many manly men today, Armstrong lives in abject terror. “You never can be too careful with women being what they are,” he says, expressing an increasingly common, and deeply masculine sentiment. At least twice a week Armstrong says he finds himself walking a block or more past his house, keys clenched firmly in his fist like claws, because he’s convinced a woman is following him home, possibly to accuse him of harassment. “At some point I’ll find a nice bright street light and stop there to pretend like I’m taking a phone call or something. I’ll just let them walk on past, you know?” Armstrong says. “It’s probably all in my imagination. But like dad always said: better safe than hungover and accused of some bullshit you totally don’t remember doing.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING.

3. Great Works of Literature as Written by the Shelby Co. Election Commission
With Help from The Memphis City Council
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER

Emboldened by national attention resulting from the careful and creative wording of current ballot amendments, the Shelby County Election Commission has committed considerable time and evident talent to improving the greatest works of world literature. While Fly on the Wall has yet to see a completed text, 5 first line samples were leaked this morning, revealing the epic scope of the Commission’s City Council-aided writing project.

Moby- Dick
Herman Melville with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall Ishmael serve as a common spoken or chirographic signifier not expressly for greeting, but sometimes for gaining the narrator’s attention?” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING


4. Consultants Plan Monument To Consultants On Memphis Riverfront
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON

Claiming they have “bridged the gap between perception and reality,” a group of consultants has proposed Consultants’ Park, which will be dedicated to the many consultants hired to determine what Memphis should do with its riverfront.

“Since 1924, the city of Memphis has been trying to figure out what to do with this unique space, which overlooks one of the largest, brownest bodies of water in the world, and also Arkansas,” says the Preamble to the Executive Summary of the 2,667-page report issued by the Memphis Riverfront Consultants’ Coalition (MRCC). “Like the hundreds of consultants who came before us, we puzzled about how to polish Mud Island into a Mud Diamond. Then, three days into our recent ayahuasca trance charette, it suddenly hit us. What is more dependable and integral to the Memphis Riverfront experience than the Big Muddy? For the last century, the answer has been, consultants. That’s why we are executing Consultants’ Park, a reminder to all Memphis and the world that consultants matter, and that they must be paid.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

5. Citizens Organize to Protect Neighborhood Bar With Wall, Moat
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER
Community organizer Bing Hampton knows his audience. “Big Development’s not gonna get their grubby paws on Alex’s Tavern,” he shouts into his trusty bullhorn. There’s no reason to believe developers of any size are looking to acquire the Jackson Avenue institution, but that did not allay the concerns of roughly two-dozen Midtowners who waved signs with all-cap messages like “THE DIVE MUST SURVIVE,” and answered back, “Hell no.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Dammit Gannett: Fabulous Prizes Edition

Picking on the Commercial Appeal used to be its own reward, back in the day when they were the big corporate Goliath and we were the little dude with a slingshot. As the paper has continued to decline, it’s become a weekly, though not entirely joyless, chore. Still, it’s good to feel appreciated. So thanks, Jim Palmer, for this cartoon inspired by Fly on the Wall’s regular “Dammit Gannett” feature.

Jim’s a first generation Memphis Flyer vet who contributed illustrations for columns by Lydel Sims. He’s the creator of Memphis’ own Li’l E and your Pesky Fly’s very favorite cartoon about the journalist’s life. 

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Letters To The Editor Opinion

What They Said …

CREDIT: Greg Cravens

Greg Cravens

On Toby Sells’ cover story “The Urban Child Investment”

But … bu … it’s all for the childruns! Must be good!

ALJ2

ALJ2,

If they threw in puppy adoptions, they might have something there. They could charge billable hours per paw.

crackoamerican

About Jackson Baker’s Politics Blog post “GOP Luminaries Play the Trump Card at Local Banquet” …

[Trump’s] the best thing that ever happened to the Democrats. The vast majority of moderate Republicans know he’s a nut, and they won’t be voting for nut. Gonna hand the election to Hillary.

Chester Jones

Norris says “the people” want straight talk. No they don’t. Trump tells this cohort of the GOP-base what they want to hear: They want to know it’s not their “fault;” it’s the fault of the Other. They want their fears and biases confirmed, and that’s what Trump does to a fault. So, no. They most assuredly don’t want actual “straight talk.”

Packrat

About Frank Murtaugh’s From My Seat post “Memphis Redbirds 2015: Memorable Season or Not?” …

I agree with Frank that it’s questionable at best that the changes made to [AutoZone Park] have improved the park. I certainly don’t think taking away the playground is an improvement. Not only was it the one free thing for small children to enjoy, but it was definitely one of my son’s favorite aspects of going to games. … I also agree that while the new bluffs put fans closer to the game, I fear it’s only a matter of time before a toddler or small child gets beaned by a line-drive foul ball. Fans were farther away from the action on the old bluff, but nobody seemed to mind, and the travel time was long enough for balls headed out there that parents were able to get their kids out of the way. And, lastly, one change that, to me, is definitely not an improvement: the moving of the ticket takers all the way up to the entrance to the stadium versus where they had always been before at the plaza entrance. While seemingly a minor change, at more than one game I went to this year, myself or someone I was with was hit up for money by guys IN THE PLAZA! Being solicited on the sidewalk outside of the stadium is one thing, but this is the kind of experience that might make surburbanites swear off ever coming to a Redbirds game again.

tsunamiroja

About Chris Davis’ Fly on the Wall story “Clean Sweep” …

In the article “Clean Sweep” featured in “The Fly on the Wall,” a woman sweeping the steps of Idlewild Presbyterian Church was highlighted, along with the fact that she was wearing no clothes. “Nobody has satisfactorily explained what she was doing with the milk crate or the bag of Kingsford charcoal pictured below.”

I will explain it quite simply: mental illness, alcoholism, homelessness. And she has a name. Her name is Marilyn.

At Idlewild, we have loved her, fed her, counseled with her, tried to refer her for some help, cautioned her, and have even had to use “tough love” at times. For we dare to believe that beneath all that brokeness is a beloved child of God.

It was disheartening, even shameful at times, to hear the ridicule and the laughter that this evoked, for it is not funny. The homeless and the mentally ill are the lepers of our day, and they are ignored at best, scapegoated, and abused by a narcissistic culture at worst.

Jesus was as clear as day toward the end of his life when he told a parable about what was truly important. “When did we see you hungry … or naked?” Today I hear him asking: “When did we see you mentally ill and homeless? As you did it unto the least of these, our brothers and sisters, you did it to me.”

For we are all broken in one way or the other. Some are able, with our privilege, to hide it better than others.

Stephen R. Montgomery

Pastor, Idlewild Presbyterian Church

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News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall

Truth & Dishonor

On Monday, October 6th, Memphis’ favorite conservative talk jock Mike Fleming sat down to his computer keyboard and posted a scathing rebuke of Mayor W.W. Herenton on the website of WREC AM. Fleming was particularly irritated with the mayor because … well … for some damn reason.

According to his blog post, “Memphis Mayor ‘King’ Willie Herenton,” is a “LOSER” for “dropping out of anything remotely smelling of a deal involving the mayor.”

“With the FBI snooping around, it was a wise move,” Fleming continued. “Oh, ‘King’ Willie has now knocked John Ford out of the leader in the clubhouse on our awards number of making the top ‘loser’ in our never-ending quest for truth and dishonor.”

We couldn’t have said it better. Mostly because we have no idea what it means.

More on Mike

Color us late to the political key party. While checking out Fleming’s online commentary, your Pesky Fly discovered that the tiny Caucasian pundit has kept up a running video debate with WDIA jock Jeff Lee, an African American. The In Black & White Show is posted on YouTube and features the two chromatically and ideologically dissimilar radio personalities talking about current events over what sounds like soundtrack music from ’70s-era porn flicks. Seriously.

Brit Lit

“It is hot in Memphis and the humidity hangs about you like a layer of clothing.” So begins a BBC News report slugged “As the turmoil in the financial markets continues, Alan Little visits Tennessee in the southern USA, where many people view the crisis as a clash between Wall Street and Main Street.” Six hundred and twenty-three words into the 882-word piece — after a healthy discussion of Elvis, segregation, and barbecue — the writer introduces Take Denisa, a Memphian who is losing her home to foreclosure.

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News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall

Not Advertorial

According to a press release making the rounds: “Elvis Presley fans might be in love — and all shook up — by a Moon Township company’s new product” that’s slated to debut during Elvis Week. The product is a gold-colored guitar pick decorated with Elvis’ face and stamped with the King’s thumbprint “as duplicated from his military records.” For only $19.99, Elvis fans can own this special plectrum, an “interchangeable necklace or keychain holder,” and, inexplicably, a certificate of authenticity. The ad quotes “Guistar spokesman” Rich Mackey saying, “Elvis has already paid off by helping us secure new deals with Conway Twitty’s estate.”

#1 (with a Panda!)

Based on traveler response, the Memphis Zoo was ranked as America’s favorite zoo by the editors of TripAdvisor. The zoo’s popularity is due, in part, to unique exhibits such as Animals of the Night, Cat Country, Primate Canyon, and China, where the giant pandas reside. It’s a shady Zen oasis in the heart of Midtown where all the bullets are strays.

Reverend G

The 9th District democratic primary is over. Steve Cohen won. But Reverend George Brooks, a Nikki Tinker supporter and Murfreesboro, Tennessee’s most obnoxious propagandist, isn’t getting out of the gutter. On the contrary, he’s declaring all-out war.

In a comment on the NashvillePost’s political blog, Brooks threatened to have a camera trained on Steve Cohen 24/7 to discover what the congressman is doing, “sexually-speaking.” In a leaflet titled “A Brief Note To The Memphis Flyer Editors,” Brooks describes his campaign against elected Jews like Cohen and Senator Joe Lieberman as a “war that is still in its infancy.” He says they need to apologize for “their role in the death of Christ Jesus on the cross.” His note ends with the instruction: “Run and deliver the message, servants of Jewdom.”

He called us “servants of Jewdom.” We need to come up with a secret handshake.

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News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall

Taste the Rainbow

A recent AP article chronicling the difficulties faced by openly gay students on historically black college campuses quoted Rev. William Owens, a historically black college graduate and head of the Coalition of African-American Pastors in Memphis. According to Owens, school administrators can say “no” to gay students who ask for inclusion and acceptance.

“I don’t think they have to give a lot of reasons,” said Owens, who, like other black pastors, worries that homosexuality “is a threat to the black family.”

The article was inconclusive as to whether or not gays should use separate water fountains and toilets.

Urban Camping

From Action News 5: “Joe Birch went to check out a tent [that] sits on a hill near Preston and Waldorf in South Memphis. … A lifelong neighbor and concerned citizen says the tent is a hub of criminal activity where addicts trade stolen items for drugs. … In a one-mile radius of the intersection of Preston and Waldorf in the last 30 days, there were 27 narcotics arrests, 3 robberies, 17 aggravated assaults, 50 burglaries, 38 domestic-violence arrests, 30 thefts from homes and 11 from cars.”

The news report failed to mention whether or not the tent’s occupants were flying a red flag.

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News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall

Losing it

Is Jake Ford, the controversial independent candidate for Tennessee’s 9th Congressional seat, losing his cool? That appeared to be the case before, during, and especially after Monday night’s debate, when Ford made a scene that seemed designed specifically to humiliate the Flyer’s political editor Jackson Baker.

Baker, originally the debate’s sole moderator, had agreed to co-moderate with local news anchor Richard Ransom after the Ford campaign complained about the format.

Throughout the debate, Ford was hostile. After it ended, the assembled crowd descended on the bar for hot dogs and wine. Local bloggers discussed Ford’s unfortunate public announcement that “If Cohen was a black woman, he would have been arrested like Kathryn Bowers.” Baker stood nearby, trying to make nice with Ford after he had taken issue with the Flyer‘s reputable political reporting. Like so many in the crowd, Baker was also enjoying a delicious weenie, and as the noted writer spoke, a nearly microscopic bit of hot dog escaped his lips and landed on Ford’s jacket. It was the sort of social faux pas Miss Manners has long suggested we ignore, but manners be damned.

“This man spit on me,” Ford announced loudly, twisting up his face in terrible disgust. “This man spit on me. Does anybody have a napkin?” As Baker politely attempted to defuse the situation, Ford turned on him with a swift battery of questions: “Didn’t anybody ever tell you to chew with your mouth closed? Didn’t your mama ever teach you how to eat?” It was a loud, brattish display that captured the attention of several observers who milled around the two protagonists.

Ford backed away from the crowd calling toward the nearby bloggers and Baker. “Are you going to call me a fucktard?” he asked, referencing a recent article by Baker dispelling nasty, blog-generated rumors about Ford’s campaign. “Because,” he concluded, “I don’t know what that means.”