Cover Boy
University of Memphis quarterback Paxton Lynch has announced he wouldn’t be returning for his final year of eligibility with the Memphis Tigers. Sports analysts have tapped Paxton as a likely first-round pick in this April’s NFL draft. His position near the top of mock drafts has resulted in a flurry of national media attention and this picture in The Commercial Appeal.
Verbatim
Jonathan Lee Riches, a.k.a. Jihadi Schitz, filed a handwritten lawsuit this week claiming rights to half of the Powerball jackpot won by the Robinson family of Munford.
“I am the actual true winner of the Powerball jackpot,” Riches wrote. “For the last 2 1/2 years, while I was incarcerated, I was pen pals with Tiffany Robertson. She was a fan of mine and a Facebook follower, and she wrote me dirty letters, which I have as evidence, and she said she wanted to marry me when I get out of prison. Tiffany told me that no one on this Earth treats her better than me, and then I sent her $20 from my prison trust fund account and told her to use the money for Powerball tickets, because if we win, we will leave America and live on a remote island full of milk and honey. And I told Tiffany to give my money to her parents Lisa and John Robinson to buy Powerball tickets because they couldn’t afford to buy. And they promised me if they won any Powerball, I am entitled to half the winnings.”
Riches is a recidivist criminal whose hobbies include getting arrested and filing frivolous lawsuits against famous people like Kim Kardashian, who allegedly took his virginity.