Categories
Politics Politics Feature

Hot Night, Hot Words

Say this about the Shelby County GOP: Demographic shifts in recent years have made it difficult to impossible for local Republicans to win a countywide race. 

But they sure can turn out in impressive numbers for their annual Lincoln Day banquet, the most recent installment of which was held Sunday at the East Memphis Hilton on Ridge Lake Boulevard.

The keynoter this year was Kristi Noem, governor of South Dakota, who, after being introduced to the crowd by 8th District Congressman David Kustoff, said she intended to have “a family discussion” with them.

“If you know anything about me, you probably know that I’m a farmer and rancher who has run businesses my whole life,” she said, and, indeed, an introductory video had included some interesting rustic images of her, notably one of her galloping aboard a high-spirited horse across the Dakota plains.

Actually, she is best known — both locally and everywhere else — as having quite recently been a likely, maybe even probable, choice of Donald Trump to be his vice presidential running mate in the forthcoming election.

But that was before news leaks of the content in her just-published memoir, No Going Back, which contained, among other things, her account of having shot to death — executed, as shocked critics, not all of them Democrats, would allege — a young hunting dog that, for various reasons, she had become dissatisfied with.

And the deed was done at a gravel pit. Not the best family-style imagery to boost her veep chances, even for the hyper-aggressive Trump. So, even though Noem’s notoriety made her a good draw for this year’s banquet, there was no going back for her vice-presidential boom.

The MAGA-minded Noem’s own accounting for her choice of book title was to forswear any going back to “the Mitt Romneys and the Cheneys and the Bushes” and their purportedly go-along-to-get-along ways.

Recalling a once-famous phrase of the late GOP icon Barry Goldwater, moderation in the pursuit of Republican goals was treated as anything but a virtue Sunday night. State Republican chairman Scott Golden riled the crowd up with his assertion that no fewer than “103 liberal, Communist left-wing groups” had registered to protest at this summer’s forthcoming GOP convention.

And there was a culminating speech from state Senator Brent Taylor, whose persona and nonstop crusade to oust Democratic District Attorney Steve Mulroy are both ubiquitous phenomena these days. 

Taylor, who was presented with an award Sunday night for his “outstanding public service” and, with his significant financial support of the gala, was designated as the event’s “title sponsor,” did his best to make his anti-Mulroy vendetta a predominant theme of the evening. 

Last week, as the senator reminded his audience, he had sworn to introduce legislation next year to remove Mulroy from office via two-thirds votes in both chambers of the legislature. 

With an assist from Golden, who had characterized Mulroy as a “Soros-minded” DA — meaning a tool of philanthropist-mega-activist George Soros, an international bogeyman for conservatives — Taylor invited the crowd to share his enthusiasm for a purge of Mulroy. The DA was savaged for sins ranging from alleged softness in bail policy to an abortive proposal to offer a diversion program to previous nonviolent offenders apprehended for illegal possession of firearms.

“Make no mistake!” thundered Taylor. “Our community is less safe” because of the DA with his “restorative justice system.” He called for “maintaining the Memphis middle class by making Mulroy meaningless.”

Since the dinner, Taylor has upped the ante, establishing a “hotline” to receive input from crime victims, current or former staff members, or “anyone with information relative to the ouster resolution.”

Meanwhile, after the fire and brimstone of the Lincoln Day gala, attendees have the opportunity, for better or for worse , to enjoy some quiet reading time. Each person present received a copy of Governor Noem’s book, which is subtitled “The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward.” 

Categories
At Large Opinion

Animal Instincts

I’ve been sitting on this story for a bit, just waiting for a chance to work it into a column. That time has come, my friends. It’s the tale of one Reginald Cook, 26, who allegedly attempted to rob a Shell convenience store on Elvis Presley Boulevard — three times — on the night of April 14th.

The official Memphis Police Department report states that Cook went into the station around 2 a.m. and demanded money from the clerk. The clerk told police that Cook kept reaching into his clothing, indicating that he had a weapon. The clerk didn’t buy the ruse and told Cook to scram.

A few minutes later, Cook returned, again demanding money and again reaching into his clothes as though he might have a weapon. And again, the clerk was having none of it and told Cook to leave the store. This is where the story takes a turn.

At 3:05 a.m., Cook returned once again to the scene of his Kabuki Krimes. Only this time he had a live, five-foot-long snake wrapped around his neck. Emboldened, he shouted, “Gimme all your money or I’ll unleash my attack snake, you bastard!!!” Or words to that effect, one presumes.

By this time, the clerk was getting boa-ed by the whole thing and pulled out a handgun, taking Cook and his slithery sidekick into custody.

Only in Memphis (or maybe Florida). Seriously, Cook has to be one of the dumbest crooks of all time. Who did he think he was going to fool? Anyone could see that snake was unarmed. Heh.

The cops soon arrived and hauled Cook off to jail, charging him with attempted robbery and a reptile dysfunction. After letting the snake make one phone coil, the police let him slide on his own recognizance, mainly because they were unable to get cuffs on him.

Speaking of dumb crooks and animals … How about South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, the evil creep who outed herself in her own book last week as a puppy killer. And a goat killer. And god knows what else, at this point.

Noem’s book — No Going Back: The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We Move America Forward — will be published next month, but Guardian.com obtained an advance copy and revealed the literal money shot: Noem shot and killed her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, because she was “untrainable.”

In her book, Noem describes taking Cricket, a wirehaired pointer, on a pheasant hunt with older dogs, hoping they would calm the young dog down. It didn’t work. Noem writes that Cricket was “going out of her mind with excitement, chasing all those birds and having the time of her life” and “ruining the hunt.” Little did Cricket know it would be the last “time of her life.”

On the way home, Noem writes that she stopped at a farm and Cricket got out of her truck and killed some of the farmer’s chickens. Noem writes that Cricket was “the picture of pure joy” during her spree. “I hated that dog,” Noem says, adding that Cricket had proved herself “untrainable” and “less than worthless … as a hunting dog.” So, when Noem got home, she led the unsuspecting (and probably still joyful) Cricket to a gravel pit and shot her. As one does, apparently, when one is a “farmer” from South Dakota. Or Hell.

Then, since Kristi was already in a killin’ state of mind, she went and got a goat that “smelled of urine” and had “knocked her kids down and ruined their clothes,” and executed it, as well. She had to go back to her truck and get another shell, she writes, since she only wounded the goat with the first shot.

Noem is angling to be Donald Trump’s running mate. She’s fond of posting pictures of herself with dead animals: bears, elk, deer, pheasant. I doubt that she posed with her dead pup but I wouldn’t be shocked. Noem says that she included the animal assassination story in her book to show her willingness to do “anything difficult, messy, and ugly” if it needs to be done. So far, she’s had plastic surgery, dental implants, and an affair with former Trump operative Corey Lewandowski, so she’s three-for-three. Kristi Noem is scum.