The release of Evil Dead Rise, the big screen reboot of Sam Raimi’s influential horror-comedy franchise, makes it obvious that the general public is woefully unprepared for the eldritch horrors which surround us.
In writer/director Lee Cronin’s wildly fun film, residents of a condemned Los Angeles apartment building make many avoidable errors in their dealings with demonic undead forces and face fatal consequences. If you or someone you know is a Person Experiencing Demonic Infestation (PEDI), these nine safety tips could save your life — or at least make your death more entertaining.
1. Satanic troves: Whether you are exploring the dark, twisted forests of Tennessee or, like Danny (Morgan Davies), entering a deserted bank vault underneath your haunted apartment building whose existence was discovered thanks to a mysterious earthquake that only seemed to affect your block, be respectful of any Satanic or necromantic ritual objects you may encounter. A good rule of thumb is, if you didn’t bring it in, don’t take it out.
2. Infernal literature: Signs the book you just found in the Satanic trove may be infernal include: A. Its cover and binding are made from human flesh. B. It is covered in insects of unknown species. C. It contains horrifying illustrations in red ink that looks like human blood. D. It has a mouth and tries to bite you. If you find any tome exhibiting one or more of these traits, return it to its putrid canvas sack and rebury it. Remember: They call it The Book of the Dead for a reason.
3. Magic words: Should I say them? In general, no, you should not say aloud magic words written in infernal literature. Precautions like recording the words backwards on a 78 rpm record which is then buried in a bank vault until years after your death from demonic possession are useless if the person recovering the record is, like Danny, an aspiring DJ. However, if you or a PEDI nearby has already read some magic words, it may be necessary to read other magic words to undo the resulting demonic infestation and/or time travel. In this case, it is vitally important that you enunciate clearly. Remember: Magical incantation is best left to the experts, and they died a long time ago.
4. Interacting with the formerly deceased: Studies agree that coming back from the dead may sound fun, but in practice, it’s extremely dangerous. If you see someone you are certain was recently dead, like single mom Ellie (Alyssa Sutherland), who is now ambulatory, DO NOT ENGAGE. What if, like Beth (Lily Sullivan), it’s your sister; or like Danny, Kassie (Nell Fisher), and Bridget (Gabrielle Echols), it’s your mother? Again, DO NOT ENGAGE. It’s not them, it’s a demon driving their hideously reanimated corpse like a rental car. Remember the safety phrase: “Mommy’s with the maggots now.”
5. Beware of contagion danger: While the initial rending of the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead requires magical intervention, demonic possession, once unleashed, can spread like a disease. Signs of impending PEDI status may include wounds that turn black and sprout spiderweb-like growths, excessive vomiting, and blood spurting from the eyes. Avoid contact with all fluids discharged from a PEDI.
6. Clear your escape route: When entering an abandoned cabin or haunted apartment building, always scope out an escape route, as you will inevitably need to flee. Make sure the path of your retreat is free from tripping hazards.
7. When in doubt, destroy the brain: Normal violence will not be enough to stop the undead, as they are technically dead already. Depending on what level of undead you’re dealing with, a solid headshot may or may not solve the problem, but it will usually slow them down enough to give you time to run.
8. Don’t stick around: Look, the dead are taunting you and trying to infect you with their evil. It doesn’t matter if they’re in your house, it’s their house now. Get the hell out! If you land a successful attack, don’t stick around to see what effect it will have on the PEDI. Just run.
9. Wood chippers: Friend or foe? It depends on who is at the controls. For advanced PEDI, mere dismemberment or immolation may not be enough to neutralize the threat. Complete bodily disruption, such as that provided by an industrial grinder, may be required. But be warned that total liquidation carries significant risk of cross contamination and, thus, the potential for further sequels.
