Tag: Love Doesn’t Hurt

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Love Doesn’t Hurt

Phillis Lewis

Phillis Lewis is the CEO and founder of Love Doesn’t Hurt, a Memphis-based nonprofit organization that “provides assistance to victims of Domestic & Sexual Violence in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender community.”

“Believing is one of the most important things,” said Lewis. “I think a lot of people don’t understand how charismatic, how believable abusers can be, and hearing someone’s story and their journey, just because it’s not your experience, doesn’t mean it’s not theirs.”

The Flyer got in touch with Lewis to discuss Love Doesn’t Hurt’s purpose, and the resources that they offer for the community.

Memphis Flyer: How would you describe Love Doesn’t Hurt?

Phillis Lewis:We are a nonprofit organization that focuses on providing crisis intervention for victims of crime in the LGBTQ+ community, addressing things such as housing insecurity, food insecurity, and getting individuals connected to resources that are diverse and inclusive to their needs. 

All the referrals that we make for our clients are with organizations and agencies that we have worked with directly, and we know have affirming and welcoming practices in the work that they do.

In conjunction with the crisis intervention part, we also know that the community also needs life-hack skills and educational sessions to help in the long-run of things, because violence is not just a one-time, incident thing. With that, we want to make sure we’re giving people in the community tools, so that way we can lower the risk of victimization in the future. We do different informational sessions to talk about grief, trauma, self-care, and financial literacy. Next year we will be doing some quarterly cooking classes, as well as quarterly self-care events. Just taking a holistic approach that working with individuals is not just one thing that you’re trying to address. It’s usually a web of things, and we are doing our best to work with other organizations to build a safety net for the clients that we come in contact with, so that they have the best chance of thriving after victimization.

As the founder, was there something that you saw in the community that you felt wasn’t being addressed? Or was there some type of moment or incident that occurred that prompted you to make sure that certain resources were available?

My mother was a victim of domestic and sexual violence, and when she experienced her abuse, it was during a time back in the early ’90s where there wasn’t a lot of protection or a lot of assistance for victims of crime, especially when it came to intimate partner violence. That kind of drove me toward the work, but what drove me toward working with the population I work with, I myself identify as bisexual. So when I started my career at the district attorney’s office, I came in contact with a couple of clients, but one in particular had been in an abusive relationship with her spouse. When we referred her to one of the vendors that was on our referral list, instead of focusing on the trauma she had experienced, they focused more on her sexual orientation. When you are working in social services, you are taught to work in a trauma informed space — not asking people like, ‘what’s wrong with you?’ but ‘what happened?’, and ‘how can I show up for you in this space to help you heal from the trauma you’ve experienced?’ instead of re-victimizing someone that has already been through something hard enough.

How has the landscape changed in recent years? What are some areas that still need work?

In regards to things that need to be improved upon, housing is probably one of the biggest issues. It was even an issue before the pandemic. The pandemic just exacerbated the disparities that we have when it comes to affordable housing. We have individuals that are trying to rebuild their lives, but they don’t have the capacity to do so, and they live in spaces where the requirements to gain housing are sometimes very unreasonable. You say you are charging $800 a month in rent, but you expect the person who is living in that space to make four times the amount of rent. If they made four times the amount in rent, they probably wouldn’t choose to stay in that spot.

Also in housing, when it comes to grants and having flexible funding to help meet people where they are. There are some grants that won’t allow you to help people apply and pay for the application fee. You’re having to figure out where to get funding from, in order to help the need that the clients have. That way they can get to where they’re trying to be.

If you as an agency can help provide first month’s rent and a deposit, but they can’t even pay the application fee, then they’re not going to even get to the point where they can pay rent or the deposit.

In recent weeks we’ve reported on how members of the LGBTQ+ community have had negative experiences with certain agencies, which causes them to not seek help or reach out. How do you all work as a vessel to help restore their confidence in seeking and receiving help?

We take the approach where we let them know what their options are, because the options are out there. If you would like to report it to the police, you can, but also when you’re dealing with individuals that not only have a mistrust when it comes to dealing with law enforcement or the criminal justice system as a whole, whoever the abuser is to them, that is someone they’re going to have to deal with. So as service providers, we’re only coming in as a triage. So, long-term, we try to help not only find the information, but resources so that the individuals that are enacted by the violence can stay safe, and be violence-free. Whatever we can do to help support them in that, we allow them the freedom and autonomy to let us know how they would like to move forward. If they do wish to involve law enforcement, then we make ourselves available to accompany them. If it does get to the point where they do go to the court, and they have to go in for a court proceeding, then we go with them so they have support, and connecting them with other agencies to help provide court advocacy. … Not only do they see our face, but they see other individuals that we’re working with, and letting them know that they have a support system there and there are people there that are trying to help them, to help build trust and rapport. It’s not a sprint, it’s a marathon. You’re talking about years, decades of trauma that has happened between the LGBTQ+ community and law enforcement.

There are a lot of different things that you help people with. What are your most popular resources?

Our educational sessions are where we have our greatest reach. In 2021, we were able to reach over 27,000 people through the educational stuff that we do. That is a piece of what we do, but a lot of the direct services part, comes more with the crisis intervention. Sometimes we’ll have people who will call us, and they just want to do a safety plan. They just want to know what their options are. They may not want to move forward with getting out of those situations, but sometimes people just need someone to talk, to know that they’re not crazy for feeling the way that they do, or to reassure them that what they’re experiencing is not the norm.

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Love Doesn’t Hurt Benefit this Weekend

CREDIT: Love Doesn’t Hurt

Local agency Love Doesn’t Hurt is hosting its inaugural Rock for Love event this Friday, featuring entertainment by Mama Honey, Native Blood, Chinese Dub Connection Embassy, Gloryholes, PXLS, Midtown Queer, and Magnum Dopus.

These talented local artists will help raise awareness for the organization, which provides emergency resources to victims of domestic abuse within LGBTQ+ partnerships and relationships.

“Domestic violence is one of those things that does not discriminate,” says Phillis Lewis, CEO of Love Doesn’t Hurt. “It affects all walks of life, people from many different backgrounds and demographics.”

Love Doesn’t Hurt

Songs of love

Lewis, who formerly worked at the district attorney’s office, founded Love Doesn’t Hurt in 2011 after a client of hers, who’d been a victim of domestic abuse, had trouble receiving help from a counselor Lewis had referred her to.

“Instead of focusing on the trauma that she had experienced, they were more shaming her for being a lesbian,” says Lewis. After this revelation, Lewis began vetting service providers to ensure her clients were taken care of in a more inclusive environment.

“But there weren’t a lot of shelters that were very welcoming and accommodating to the LGBTQ community,” she says.

So she founded the agency, and since then, they have helped between 200 and 300 individuals by providing emergency services and other resources to help them get back on their own two feet.

“It’s important to provide the resources because if the person doesn’t get out of the situation they’re in, they’ll fall into a sense of hopelessness,” she says. “You want to get the person into safety. That way they can thrive. Otherwise, they’re going to continue to experience that abuse.”

Rock for Love, Growlers, Friday, February 7th, 7 p.m.-12:30 a.m., $10.

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Memphis Gaydar News

“Love Doesn’t Hurt” Benefit

The Shelby County Family Safety Center has a special emergency fund for victims of same-sex domestic violence, and this weekend, the organizers of the “Love Doesn’t Hurt” fund will be holding its third annual benefit event. It will be held on Friday, March 27th at Club Spectrum at 7:30 p.m.

The benefit includes live entertainment and guest speakers from the district attorney’s office, as well as speeches from victims of domestic violence. The cover charge is $7.

Funds raised this weekend will be used for LGBT victims of domestic violence to provide emergency shelter, transportation, food, clothing, and relocation. In 2012, Phyllis Lewis, a domestic violence witness coordinator for the Shelby County District Attorney’s Office, started the “Love Doesn’t Hurt” fund.

“In the first case we dealt with, the person had completely left the home and needed somewhere to go,” Lewis said. “We housed that person in a hotel for a week, and then they decided they wanted to leave Memphis. So we helped that person get out of town. We want them safe from violence. The last thing we need is another homicide.”

They also collect hygiene products to hand out to victims.

“When you’re running from your wife, you’re not going to think about grabbing some deodorant,” Lewis said.

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News The Fly-By

Same-Sex Domestic Violence Numbers Are Up in Tennessee

Overall domestic violence numbers dropped by four percent in Tennessee since 2008, according to the latest Tennessee Bureau of Investigation (TBI) numbers. But for same-sex couples, those numbers actually saw a 44 percent increase since then.

That may not actually reflect an increase in incidents but rather an increase in reporting due to changing attitudes by the general public about homosexuality, said Phillis Lewis, a witness coordinator for the Shelby County District Attorney’s office’s domestic violence unit.

“I think people have become more comfortable reporting,” Lewis said. “I think before people were afraid of letting officers know their status and that [the perpetrator] is their significant other.”

In 2012, Lewis started the “Love Doesn’t Hurt” fund, which provides emergency funding to same-sex domestic violence victims. The money can be used to help victims with anything from housing and relocation to food and gas.

“In the first case we dealt with, the person had completely left the home and needed somewhere to go,” Lewis said. “We housed that person in a hotel for a week, and then they decided they wanted to leave Memphis. So we helped that person get out of town. We want them safe from violence. The last thing we need is another homicide.”

They also collect hygiene products to hand out to victims.

“When you’re running from your wife, you’re not going to think about grabbing some deodorant,” Lewis said.

When she started the fund two years ago, Lewis had begun noticing an increase in reported cases. But she said there was nowhere she felt comfortable sending LGBT victims for help.

“A lot of the agencies [that deal with domestic violence] are faith-based, and I sent one client to a place where, instead of focusing on the trauma she’d been through, they were focusing on her sexual orientation,” Lewis said.

Enter the Family Safety Center of Memphis and Shelby County. The one-stop shop for domestic violence victims opened in 2012, and various agencies that assist victims, such as the Shelby County Crime Victims Center and the Mid-South Sexual Assault Resource Center, are now located in one building on Madison.

The center’s executive director Oliette Drobot-Murry said she has worked to make sure the Family Safety Center is LGBT-friendly. Her staff has trained with the Tennessee Equality Project, and they partner with the Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center (MGLCC) and HIV/AIDS nonprofit, the Red Door Foundation.

“We go to [Mid-South] Pride, and we sponsor Red Door events. And now through word of mouth, we’ve had more LGBT folks coming through here,” Drobot-Murry said.

The Family Safety Center is now in charge of doling out money from the “Love Doesn’t Hurt” fund on a case-by-case basis to same-sex victims who file reports there. Although the fund is primarily raised at an annual benefit each March, Lewis said anyone can donate to the fund at any time by sending a check to the Family Safety Center and specifying that the donation should go into the “Love Doesn’t Hurt” fund.

To help prevent same-sex domestic violence, the MGLCC hosts a twice-monthly support group called Cultivating Priorities in Relationships to help people identify toxic relationships.

“I thought we should call it something other than a support group for victims because that scares people,” said Martavius Hampton, MGLCC’s HIV Services Manager. “We promote it as a healthy relationship group, so it’s like prevention rather than waiting on something to happen. We talk about what’s a positive partner and what’s abusive and controlling.”