Tag: opinion

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Opinion The Last Word

Staying Alive in a Country of Death

Enough is enough. (Photo: Lucian Milasan | Dreamstime.com)

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”

So screamed the character Howard Beale in the 1976 movie Network, a prescient commentary on the corporate capture and slow suffocation of America. Howard was a prime-time news anchor who’d had enough. To some of his viewers, he was having a mental breakdown on national television. To others, he saw the country as clearly as a prophet, for exactly what it was: a fetid cabal of the rich obsessed with money at the expense of human life and dignity. Howard wasn’t losing his mind, but his soul. And he knew it, so he screamed on national television. Millions followed him, flinging open their windows and screaming the same furious line: “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!”

That film was made almost 50 years ago. The tragedy of Vietnam had just concluded; the disgrace of Watergate was barely behind us; congressional hearings revealed that the United States government had engaged in assassinations of foreign leaders, staged coups to overthrow foreign governments, funneled money to tyrants and terrorists, even worked with the mafia to achieve its political goals. Meanwhile, inflation and unemployment skyrocketed at home; the nation’s infrastructure crumbled; crime soared; cities went bankrupt. Confidence in the country’s ability to provide a decent quality of life for its citizens hit rock bottom.

Today, in 2023, the Pentagon, that Beast of the Apocalypse epitomizing greed, gluttony, and eternal violence, has grown its annual budget to gargantuan proportions. It fights wars wherever it wants without congressional approval or notice. It remains the only government institution awash in unlimited funding and shiny new technology while the rest of the country rusts and goes without. Our tax dollars are consumed fighting a proxy war with Russia, using Ukrainian people and land as a testing ground for a seemingly inevitable war with China. The use of nuclear weapons is openly discussed. Countless civilians in Third World countries die beneath the weight of sanctions while our neoliberal economic policies suffocate the livelihoods of millions of others. Climate catastrophe bears down, causing droughts, floods, fires, and typhoons. The poor initially bear the brunt of this, but soon climate catastrophe, this man-made monster, will come for us all. And plagues, worldwide plagues have struck, killing millions while our disease control centers flail haplessly about beneath a torrent of public and political outrage. At home, wages erode; debt financially cripples college graduates; CEO salaries shoot through the stratosphere. Housing prices soar as real estate conglomerates gobble up the land. Our infrastructure collapses; healthcare grows scarce. Tent cities, school shootings, toxic spills, and oligarchs stain the land. All the while, our elected congressional officials earn an average salary of $175,000 per year while dickering over “wokeism” and perverse ideas of patriotism and faith. In 2022, those same elected officials took in $2.4 billion in campaign contributions from big-time donors seeking big-time federal favors for their bribes.

“I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” But simply screaming out the window then slamming it shut isn’t enough. Not now. Not when it’s 90 seconds to midnight. We can’t just be viewers. A death culture reigns in our country, in our politics, corporations, our entertainment and news, our churches, universities, and our workplace. It seeks to dehumanize, desensitize, divert. It asserts that acquiescence is survival, the best you can hope for in this broken world. Give up and play a video game; watch a cat video; take a pill.

In the movie, Howard Beale succumbs to pressure from the corporate conglomerate that owns the TV station and so begins spouting nightly nonsense on the holiness of big business. His viewers tune him out, his ratings take a nosedive, and his TV production team plots to get rid of him. They dare not go against their corporate chieftain who wants the pro-business narrative to continue, but they cannot abide low ratings. And so, poor Howard is caught in the middle and winds up being shot to death on live television. He becomes another storyline scripted by a TV production team.

Howard was one of those Americans who keenly felt the loss of their soul from corporate tyranny and endless war, who were astonished at the absurdity of their news screens, the direction of their country, the helplessness they felt in the face of it. We are not TV viewers but live participants. Innocents across the globe are killed in our name, lands pillaged with our dollars while Americans suffer incalculable indignities here at home. Our souls hang in the balance. The corporate-military state seems intent on canceling this show we call life. If we succumb to the corporate screed and spout its nonsense as Howard did, we will be morally and spiritually killed, shot full of holes. If we tune out as his viewers did, we surrender to stasis and lose our humanity, with the victims of our indifference strewn around us.

The only way to live authentically in a country of death is to resist because it is in resisting that we retain our humanity, no matter the odds against us, no matter the outcome. Being fully human means resisting death in all its forms. It means peacemaking. We have hope because we have the power to nonviolently resist, and that is a remarkable power. When exercised properly, it not only shivers the state but affirms all of life.

Brad Wolf, syndicated by PeaceVoice, is a former community college dean, lawyer, and current executive director of Peace Action Network of Lancaster as well as a team organizer for the Merchants of Death War Crimes Tribunal.

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Opinion The Last Word

Wokeness Equals Kindness

Photo: VIE Studio | pexels.com

“Wokeness” is what folks on the political right love to declare themselves as being against these days. But, what is it, really, that they oppose?

The term “woke” was derived from African American Vernacular English meaning alertness to racial prejudice. For those who have used the term positively, something I am not sure anyone actually does anymore, its meaning evolved to encompass awareness of other social inequities and forms of oppression such as sexism, misogyny, white privilege, the oppression of any minority person or community, and human and environmental predations of exploitative corporations. This is sometimes called “intersectionality,” another term that is often denigrated.

The opposite of “wokeness” could be characterized as indifference by those with privileged status to the suffering of others.

This is not to dismiss the criticisms of wokeness as excessive sensitivity to language anyone might find offensive and the demand that everyone change their usage to conform to the prerogatives of anyone who alleges offense. Belittling and harshly calling out others in the name of wokeness is itself not woke at all.

For those on the right it has become a generalized pejorative, almost an expletive for any attitudes they attribute to those who see the patterns of oppressions in the world differently than they do, who strive to bring those oppressions out of the darkness of ignorance, to ease the despair of those who dwell under their yoke, to contemplate how these cultural oppressions can be remedied, and to actively work to actualize those remediations. It is a placeholder term for rejection of thinking about both history and current social realities outside of the narrow descriptive confines of the dominant biases most of us were indoctrinated with as children.

For an obvious illustration, we all learned about George Washington’s courage, dignity, and leadership. How much did we learn about his immense wealth which was largely comprised by the market value of the people he owned and traded as commodities whose freedom was not even accorded to them upon his death in his will? Emphasize that and you are “woke” and therefore wicked. Real education requires actual history, not an attempt to erase the mistakes made or the harms done to groups of people. When teaching actual history is branded as woke and therefore bad, our children are denied the truth that can make future mistakes much less likely.

In the words of the official transcript of his speech on January 3rd, Ron DeSantis, the ambitious culture warrior governor of Florida, said, “We reject this woke ideology. We seek normalcy, not philosophical lunacy! We will not allow reality, facts, and truth to become optional. We will never surrender to the woke mob. Florida is where woke goes to die!” (Note the “royal we” and the exclamation points.) And yet, his own general counsel defined wokeness as “the belief there are systemic injustices in American society and the need to address them.” So, why the crusade against this? DeSantis even decries socially responsible investing as “woke capitalism.” Some people prefer to invest their money in corporations that treat workers decently­­­­, value and promote women and minorities equitably, respect the environment and avoid polluting and try to ameliorate catastrophic climate change, do not produce assault weapons for civilian use or addicting products. But according to DeSantis and those of his ilk, this is “woke capitalism” and nearly half the states have passed resolutions or legislation forbidding pension fund managers from making investment decisions based upon environmental, social, or governance principles or any other concerns other than where they can make the most money free of any other values.

Elon Musk called socially responsible investing “the devil incarnate.” I guess that’s what “woke” is to these folks.

When I hear or read someone put down “wokeness,” I perform a simultaneous mental translation and substitute “kindness” for “wokeness” and this clarifies their actual sentiment. Simple kindness: a recognition that we are all in our essential human nature of the same kind and it is imperative that we recognize we have far more similarities to one another than differences between us, with equal entitlement to the essentials of a healthy and comfortable life, safety in our communities, and a sustainable environment in which to live and to bequeath to those who follow on. To oppose wokeness is to oppose all of this in preference for unbounded selfishness, tribalism, and the preservation of privilege for the few.

Kindness and its cousins — sympathy, compassion, and the recognition that we are all in this together — are not always so easy to practice, but they are the only antidotes to selfishness and ceding power to demagogues who would turn us against one another and exploit our differences to extract power for themselves. Standing up to bullies requires courage and doing so is most noble when it is someone else who is being bullied, when your privileged position allows you to simply stand by and watch in silence, or skulk away. Kindness is not passive. It often requires bravery.

Placing kindness in the foreground of our thinking, including opening to all the facts of our shared heritage, even those that may make some of us feel uncomfortable, can lead to a spiritual renewal. Opposing equal rights for those who may in some respect differ from us is not just anti-wokeness, it is anti-kindness.

Jonathan Klate writes regularly about spirituality, political ideology, and the relationship between these two.

Categories
Opinion Viewpoint

Soul Fragments

Photo: Toscawhi | Dreamstime.com

Confession: I have a few books out there that no one knows about because I haven’t written them … well, finished them. I’ve talked in previous columns about “wrestling with infinity” — the match I always lose — by which I mean, picking a subject too large to reduce to words and eventually getting hopelessly lost in it, e.g.: shifting human consciousness, transcending what we think we know, truly creating peace (whatever that is).

So welcome to my latest attempt to circumvent infinity. The book I’m aiming at is a collection of the poetry I’ve written over the past two decades, but not exactly. It’s not really a “collection” of anything — art objects on display in glass cases, meant to be admired — and the poetry (and other stuff) I would include I think of essentially as “soul fragments”: bleeding pieces of personal truth. And the point of the book is to enter the present moment with the reader, to revere life together, to tremble at its wonder, to look into the eyes the unknown … with the help of something I call the Blue Pearl.

A second confession: I admit it, I’m a jewel thief. I came upon the concept “Blue Pearl” many years ago, in a book called Meditate by Swami Muktananda. He describes the Blue Pearl as something found at a deep stage of meditation: “a tiny blue light, the light of the Self. … The Blue Pearl is the size of a sesame seed, but in reality it is so vast it contains the entire universe. … [It] lights up our faces and our hearts; it is because of this light that we give love to others.”

Fascinated as I was by this, I considered myself a total mediocrity when it came to meditation, and knew I would never reach a level where I might somehow grasp the Blue Pearl. But a decade later, something happened. My wife was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Untreatable.

By the time it was discovered, it had metastasized throughout her gastrointestinal system. She was given four months to live — case closed, nothing can be done. The doctor we talked to in the wake of her surgery was stunningly emphatic, so much so that I wrote in my journal afterwards: “At this point my image of Western medicine is of a mason jar with the lid closed tight, all the facts in there stale and hopeless. They want Barbara inside that jar and inside that jar she’s going to die.”

We had no choice but to reach beyond this medical certainty in every way we could — to reach for alleged miracles, and to savor every day, every moment. And, oh my God, I needed a real role to play. I asked Barbara if I could be her “spiritual advisor,” whatever that might mean. She concurred. We joined the Cancer Wellness Center, read the same books, looked at treatments beyond the world of conventional medicine (some doctors tread there) … and I thought about the Blue Pearl.

Indeed, I just took it — smashed the window, reached in, and seized it, brought it into my life and Barbara’s life. I could never have seized the Blue Pearl if it hadn’t been for the shock of the medical diagnosis, which shattered not some window in a museum of world religions, but an inner window of self-doubt and false awe that could just as easily be called intimidation. I don’t quite know what I seized, maybe no more than three words: “the Blue Pearl.”

But as I felt Barbara’s mortality looming, kicking around in the next room — as I felt my own mortality for the first time — a sense of urgency lit up. This is all we’re going to get. And it was the life around me that began to glow, infused by some precious secret about how much life is worth that the dying pass back and forth to one another.

Barbara survived beyond the diagnosis. She lived nine months — months that were difficult and pain-ridden, but also amazing beyond words. After her passing I started writing poetry. The narrative of my life was interrupted, shattered. I could only write poetry, for the first year or so that I was a widower. I wrote about her life. I wrote about cancer. I wrote about our 12-year-old daughter. I wrote about whatever I encountered — the beauty of wet snow, the streetwise salesman at the train station who pleaded: “Pray for me.” I wrote about a ceiling leak. I wrote about my dad. So these are the soul fragments I want to clump into a book: sparkling blue pearls, perhaps, each of which tries in its own way to turn a moment sacred, to turn life’s every moment sacred. Here, for instance, are the final lines of a poem called “The Blue Pearl”:

In the lifeless parking lot
my wild heart,
so big and wanting
happiness, a cure for
cancer or just five years
five years to perfectly
love my wife, stops,
lets go of itself,
bears for an instant
the silver-streaked now
of truth,
now now only now
and always now
she is alive
and I am alive
and that’s my miracle
and it’s enough.

Robert Koehler (koehlercw@gmail.com), syndicated by PeaceVoice, is a Chicago award-winning journalist and editor. He is the author of Courage Grows Strong at the Wound.

Categories
Letter From The Editor Opinion

Like Caged Birds

The cage door is open. (Photo: Pavan Adepu | Unsplash)

The caged bird sings
with a fearful trill
of things unknown
but longed for still
and his tune is heard
on the distant hill
for the caged bird
sings of freedom.
— Maya Angelou

I recently stopped at Petco to pick up some treats for my three pups. I usually go straight to the shelf, grab the package, and head right to the checkout counter. But on this particular day, I was called, quite literally, to the other side of the store.

As the doors swung open, the cheeps and chirps of the birds kept in the corner hit my ears, and, as if pulled by some homing device, I floated over to them. Normally, I steer clear of that area; seeing the feathered beauties behind bars brings me down. How many of them make their way to new homes? How many spend their entire existence under harsh fluorescents in the back of a pet shop? And even if they’re bought, they’re forever in captivity. It just doesn’t sit well with me.

Anyhow, I was particularly drawn to the parakeets, their vibrant blues and greens and yellows, lovely creatures — like paintings come to life. As I stood simultaneously admiring and mourning them, an older gentleman walked up. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?” he asked. I agreed, of course. He started telling me about his new puppy. How he works long hours and wishes he could make more time for it. How cute and fluffy and rambunctious it is. How he came to get some flea powder, but figured it’d probably be expensive, like everything else these days. He didn’t say so, but I sensed his loneliness, his urge to speak to a stranger in Petco just to make a small connection.

We pointed out which birds were our favorites. The pale peach one, the one with the bright teal hue — we’d never even seen such rich color before. We agreed it was sad to see them there, perched in a line like unpicked fruit, yet living, breathing, stretching out their wings with nowhere to go. Before we parted, he said, “What’s that saying about the caged bird? It makes you think, if they can still sing like this, what are we worried about?”

All in all, it was maybe a four- or five-minute encounter, but it left me with a warm, fuzzy feeling. Because amid all the noise in the news — from underground (the Earth’s core may have reversed rotation; what does it mean?), outer space (a solar polar vortex; is that a big deal?), nearer skies (spy balloons and UFOs), the nation (the toxic train derailment in Ohio), the city (another shooting spree last weekend; a separate shooting which claimed the life of a local beloved bartender) — the impression is that there’s a lot we could worry about. And that’s just scratching the surface. It’s enough to make you feel boxed in, caged without much reason to sing.

The curious part of that brief meeting was that after we talked, I made my way to the treats and then got in line to pay, but that nice gentleman who’d come for flea meds didn’t get anything at all. He walked away from the birds, and instead of browsing the aisles, went straight for the door. Maybe he forgot his wallet. Perhaps he changed his mind. Or maybe he got exactly what he was looking for: a moment of human connection, however fleeting; a small escape from his own lonesome cage.

We are all tired, weary of the worry. Not unlike those birds, wings clipped, clustered in cages built by the world, our government, our own minds — longing for freedom.

Consider, though, that the cage door is open. You’re not alone in this lonesome mess. We need only to sing — and fly.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Friendship Sets Us Free

Secrets come at a cost. (Photo: Olia Danilevich | Pexels)

Classified documents, top secret files, spy balloons, clandestine surveillance. What kind of world are we living in where we hide information about and from each other, spying to get the upper hand? Why do leaders and legislators feel compelled to keep government secrets from the public?

In the current political system of independent, sovereign states, national governments seek to exact a competitive edge over perceived rivals by hiding information, spying, and governing secretively. Day-to-day governance becomes a zero-sum game. Governmental success comes at the expense of human interdependence, turning our fellow humans into foes rather than friends.

Nation-state secrets and spying come with economic, environmental, political, and social costs.

Nearly all countries have their own spies, covert agencies, and departments of “defense,” costing billions of dollars to conduct “intelligence” operations and keep secrets. Furthermore, national governments feel compelled to spend countless billions on embassies, consulates, border walls, and border guards for “national security.” Consider the two trillion dollars total that national governments spend on preparing for and waging wars every year.

Weapons manufacturers, military contractors, government officials, and wealthy shareholders reap the profit from producing and selling tools of deceit and destruction. Meanwhile, a billion people are starving, and millions must flee their homes to survive. Moreover, war preparation and clandestine operations are some of the most devastating despoilers of the environment.

To outmaneuver each other, national governments steadfastly control resources and data, refusing to share information with anyone they consider an outsider. Keeping secrets hampers leaders from governing effectively, causing them to focus on their nation instead of humanity’s survival. State secrets for “national security” and “public order” allow governments to act extra-judicially and to violate human rights with impunity. Hiding information leads to public mistrust in government. When secrets take precedence over transparency, governing decisions are made without analysis, oversight, or consent. The public is precluded from participating in decision-making, and mistrust of government grows.

Secrets and the rhetoric of divisiveness — the “us versus them” approach — also take a psychological toll. Overzealous national pride turns our neighbors into enemies and ignites a mindset of fear, distrust, jealousy, and anger. We are constantly looking behind our backs, rather than looking forward. Human and natural resources would be better spent on environmental, scientific, and technological advancements than on secrets, spying, and information suppression.

Governments, as representatives of the world’s people, could focus on information sharing and unifying humanity. Humans could work together to overcome the divisions that hold us back, rather than maintain nearly 200 separate national departments of defense, and science research, environmental, and intelligence agencies all seeking similar data and advancements. Access to more data would enhance governmental decision-making and lead to quicker scientific, health, and technological progress.

By encouraging the open exchange of information, we would be better equipped to improve understanding among diverse cultures and governing styles, to interact more peaceably, and to share resources more equitably. With transparency and accountability as top priorities, we could build a framework of world security. Resources and funds, historically tied to the military-industrial complex, could be used to feed, house, and educate people. Human and planetary health could take precedence over conflict among people and contamination of the Earth. Global collaboration is far preferable to war or cloak-and-dagger diplomacy.

Sharing ideas, solutions, technologies, and data would help humanity deal with global problems that can only be handled at the global level — problems that national governments cannot resolve on their own with hushed voices behind closed doors. Eight billion minds are better than one.

People united under one citizenship would see each other as friends with common goals that they implement together. Democratic world federation and world citizenship would provide a holistic framework for uniting our political governing structures and for uniting us as humans. World citizenship and government could liberate us from the shackles of a divided world.

Above all, governments could act like friends do.

Friends are free because they do not compel, restrain, or confine each other. Friends do not keep secrets to feel special or better. Friends share their concerns. Friends are willing to consider others’ perspectives. Friends have empathy and love for one another.

The words “friend” and “free” come from the same Proto-Indo-European root which can mean both to love and to be free. Friendship, in place of secrecy, would free us to achieve a peaceful, just, sustainable, and united world.

David Gallup is a human rights attorney, president of the World Service Authority, and convenor of the World Court of Human Rights Coalition.

Categories
Fun Stuff Metaphysical Connection

Cut the Cord

Release energetic attachments. (Photo: Emily Guenther)

Cord-cutting is a popular topic among spiritual practitioners. It can be a useful tool in helping you move on from a relationship or situation, and may be considered a form of self-care. It is a spiritual exercise that a person does when they need help releasing unhealthy energetic ties from a relationship or situation that has ended or no longer serves them.

Cord-cutting allows us to assert a measure of control over a situation that may be out of our hands. It can help facilitate a natural process and speed up the results. We will eventually get over our ex or stop thinking about them every time we go to a certain place. But why wait? Humans are pack animals, in need of connections, but we also want to feel in control of our own lives and we are not patient people.

This exercise does not have to be done just for romantic relationships gone bad. If you struggle with toxic relationships with family or friends, you can use a cord-cutting ceremony to help release those attachments and signal the moving away from that relationship.

Releasing energetic attachments does not have to be done only when things have ended badly. If your last relationship concluded amicably, you can do a cord-cutting to bring closure and signal that you are moving on with your life.

I have studied under a person who told me she practiced cord-cutting every day. As part of her daily spiritual practice, she would release all the attachments between herself and her loved ones that were not of unconditional love. She said this helped her and her loved ones from dwelling over disagreements or hurt feelings, and gave the family a sense of personal freedom to be themselves.

When we spend time with a person, whether romantic or platonic, we form energetic bonds with those people. You can also form energetic bonds to places such as your home, favorite coffee shop, or park. If you are a sentimental person, it can be easy to form attachments to objects. When it is time to move on from that person, place, or thing, we may find it difficult due to those bonds.

When we have strong energetic bonds with someone, performing a cord-cutting ceremony once may not be enough. Depending on the length or strength of your bond, you may want to do it multiple times or make it part of regular spiritual practice. Healing and cleansing your energetic body is a process. Even if we do a cord-cutting to speed up the results, this can still take time. Only you will know when it has worked, so don’t be afraid to repeat it or don’t feel like a failure if you still feel a connection after doing it.

A popular method of cord-cutting is done using two candles and a piece of thread. I suggest using black candles for this, but use whatever color feels the most appropriate to you. Set the two candles on a fire-safe surface, some distance apart. Tie the thread around one candle, leave a taut length of string between the two candles, and then tie the loose end of the thread to the opposite candle. Light both candles. As the candles burn down, the string will catch fire and will burn. This is a physical representation of those energetic bonds burning and dying. Once your candles have burned down, dispose of any leftover wax and string.

Cord-cutting can bring back emotions and trauma; it is part of the healing process. Once you have completed the ceremony, spend some time performing self-care. Meditate or journal as you process your experience and feelings. Because it can bring up old feelings, remind yourself not to reach out to the person you just cut energetic ties with. They may be on your mind now, but it will pass. And you had to cut your ties with them for a reason, so remember that if the feeling to slide into someone’s DMs hits you.

Emily Guenther is a co-owner of The Broom Closet metaphysical shop. She is a Memphis native, professional tarot reader, ordained Pagan clergy, and dog mom.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Build Healthy Relationships

Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash

Healthy relationships, as a concept, are a lot like “normal” ones. That is to say, they exist on a spectrum and can be highly contextual.

People can struggle to imagine how both relationships and individual realities can be as subjective as they are, or how something that’s very true for one person is just as untrue for another. This is perhaps because we spend so much time grappling with the idea of what is “normal” or “not normal.” Hungarian-Canadian physician Gabor Maté has called that concept out for what it is — entirely mythical — even making it the title of one of his books.

Really, as long as the psychological, emotional, and safety needs of both people are being met within a relationship, it counts as healthy. To this end, there are a few guiding thoughts to keep in mind as you navigate through friendships and romantic connections, long-term partnerships and marriages, and even relationships with parents and family members.

Understand the burden of expectations.

It’s become common, partly thanks to Hollywood, to have an image of romantic relationships or partnerships where our partners are our everything. Movies and television sell us this idea of a near-perfect connection with another person, someone that lives and breathes us, and we them. Even scripted sitcom spats over dirty dishes and raising kids somehow have a glamorized sheen to them.

The underlying concept isn’t completely a myth, however. Relationships can and do get to that warm and fuzzy place. The scripted part is arguably the suggestion that two people can get there right away. It takes time, and a very great deal of work and mutual nurturing to support the commitment those people make to each other.

In a literal sense, even the most satisfying and kismet relationships don’t involve each person being the other’s “everything.” That’s too heavy of a burden. It doesn’t just take a village to raise kids, but to navigate through the world as healthy adults. Our families, whether it’s a family of origin or a chosen family, play an integral role in that support system, as do friends, religious figures and leaders, and even neighbors.

Here’s another thing that the most successful couples realize: A healthy relationship does not equate to being happy all the time. The relationship isn’t going to be perfect, and you will have disagreements. Take the time to appreciate the positives, make an active effort to have lives outside of the relationship, say thank you, and support each other.

When unhealthy behaviors start slipping through and occurring more frequently, it’s important to note that these behaviors could start verging on abusive or toxic.

Appreciate the importance of independence.

Some level of independence within any relationship is healthy. If you can’t function without another person, that can symbolize codependence or that the connection may not be healthy.

Having independence in a relationship, your own life and friends, is important. For romantic connections, on the other hand, it’s equally important to honor the things you enjoy doing together and that bring you closer. A relationship shouldn’t feel like two people living separate lives side by side.

The simple power of kindness.

You can never go wrong with being a kind and nice person. Sometimes, when you get close to someone, it can be more challenging. Emotions run higher, and situations can become more intense. You might get angrier with your partner or a family member than you would with a friend or work colleague, sometimes because it feels safer to, and sometimes because having given yourself so much to someone, even small transgressions can start to feel like big betrayals.

On occasion, this can tip into problematic behaviors. Don’t assume that because a person is a family member or romantic partner, the rules about apologizing, accountability, and owning up when you get things wrong don’t apply or apply differently. Always remember that your partner is human, too.

Relationships, ultimately, are a shared journey of learning more about each other and appreciating one another’s subtleties and personalities. This can be helpful to remember while navigating some of the ups and downs. Even hard times are a core part of the journey. Whatever you do, don’t beat yourselves up — and don’t chase after “normal.”

Rachael DeSaussure is the assistant clinical director at Kindred Place, a hub to nurture strong, healthy relationships. Rachael specializes in helping clients with anxiety, depression, stress, domestic violence, trauma, PTSD, behavioral management, coping skills, family conflict, relationship issues, and boundaries.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Change Has to Come

Tyre Nichols (Photo: Family of Tyre Nichols)

The footage of Tyre Nichols being fatally beaten by Memphis police has haunted me.

Those five officers pepper sprayed, punched, kicked, and beat a defenseless Nichols with a baton. Those who vowed to protect and serve brutally killed the 29-year-old father.

Although I felt compelled to view the videos, I strongly disapproved of the manner in which they were made public. That everyone around the globe was anticipating the release of the horrific videos, treating it like a movie premiere, sickened me.

Five Black Memphis police officers were fired from the department and were given numerous charges following the death of Nichols, including second-degree murder, kidnapping, assault, official misconduct, and official oppression. That a Black man died at the hands of Black police officers was unfathomable to most.

Family members told reporters Nichols went into cardiac arrest and kidney failure due to the vicious beating. The question “Why?” keeps coming back to me. Why was this young, vibrant, creative soul taken so violently by those whose job it was to protect and serve the community? This was an act of terror. As Reverend Al Sharpton said at Nichols’ homecoming services, “You don’t fight crime by becoming a criminal yourself.”

Seeing this unfold in a city I’ve called home for 20 years was different for me. My husband was a Black officer for the Memphis Police Department for nearly 14 years, and I previously worked for another law enforcement agency for close to seven years. As my husband watched the videos, I could hear the sadness in his voice. Watching it hurt. He kept saying they didn’t have to kill him. He questioned the supervision, the training, and wondered if the officers had done it before. He was angry at the narrative the officers were trying to paint of the situation in the video. He wants them held fully accountable for their actions.

While on the force, my husband felt it was his duty to mentor young officers since he was older starting out. He advised them to approach everyone with the same degree of decency and respect, urging them to be careful how they treated citizens since it could come back on them. They wouldn’t be recognized as officers out of uniform or in other jurisdictions, but in or out of uniform the same would apply. He made it clear that he had a family to provide for and an account to God to keep, so he wasn’t going to put his career or freedom in jeopardy. He said some police officers go too far and it’s not worth it. There are some good officers out there. I’ve encountered them. They want to serve their communities and get home safely to their families. Officers like these are willing to sacrifice their lives to protect the public. The conduct of those who have no business being police in the first place has caused a significant loss of public trust of law enforcement. I’ve spoken to former co-workers and other officers since the release of the video. Many are hurt, angry, and appalled by what happened to that young man, especially the Black officers. Some are even questioning if they should continue in law enforcement.

As a mother to adult Black children, it terrifies me that this happened so close to home, literally. Both scenes are not too far from my home. And I can’t help but think it could’ve been one of my sons coming to our house. Or even my husband. I don’t believe I would have the grace of RowVaughn Wells, Nichols’ mother. She shouldn’t have to say her son was a good man. But even if Tyre Nichols had been a known criminal, he still didn’t deserve to be beaten to death. There’s no justification. It would have torn me to pieces if one of my children’s last words were calling for me like Tyre was calling for his mom as he lay there dying.

Were there no rational people around who could have said, “That’s enough”? The only “good” cop on that scene was the SkyCop. The most complete picture of the assault was revealed by that camera. It’s ironic that something constructed with public safety in mind will be instrumental in bringing these ex-cops to justice. Everyone on that scene should be held accountable.

Memphis Grizzlies head coach Taylor Jenkins said this prior to last week’s game against the Indiana Pacers: “Sadly, this is reminiscent of George Floyd back in 2020. We were all in Covid. We were all sitting at home and … had more time to think about it. Whereas now, the world’s still going, and I’m worried that people are going to take their focus off of making change, making positive impact in their city, in the country. When everyone’s clamoring for it, we can’t find distractions, we can’t forget, we can’t let this just be an afterthought in two weeks, in a month.”

This can’t be an afterthought. Change has to come, and it has to come within law enforcement. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t claim to. Like law enforcement tells citizens, if you see something, say something. I only wish someone had been there to stand up for Tyre Nichols.

Sharon Brown is a Flyer Grizzlies reporter.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Love What You Do

While many focus on the ideal of “do what you love,” a healthier way to look at it may be simply loving what you do. (Photo: Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash)

A few weeks ago, a close friend spoke to me about a personal crisis. “I don’t even have a career,” they lamented, getting more and more worked up. This person is only 28 years old. I wouldn’t necessarily say I have a “career” either, and I’m 32.

Over the course of my entire life, I have been told, both implicitly and directly, that one of the ultimate goals in life is to “do what you love.” This has been force-fed to me through official sources such as elementary school programs urging, “If you can dream it, you can do it!” I’ve heard it said, in some form or another, from almost every authoritative adult figure in my life. It has been repeated and mantranizied (I’m making up a word, just go with it) by my peers. Facebook posts, off-the-cuff comments, and full conversations have all brought home the same ideal.

However, I’ve always had several problems with the idea that success is derived from doing what you love. First, this marginalizes the idea of being successful to one area of your life: work. Relationships, personal growth, and almost every other aspect of life are left by the wayside if you’re using this metric of what it means to be happy.

Furthermore, for many people, such as my friend I mentioned earlier, finding out what you love to do takes time, sometimes even years. “Do what you love” assumes that you already know what you love, which for many people is knowledge that comes from experience. I distinctly remember being made to choose the course of my high school curriculum while I was still in 8th grade. So, as a 14-year-old, I was expected to already know what vocation I would be pursuing as an adult. The importance of the decision was highly emphasized to us, and we made the choice in the same day — the same hour, actually — that we first heard about it, without time to think or consult with our parents or anyone else, for that matter.

Even for those rare individuals who have always been comfortable with the knowledge of what they’d like to do for work as adults, knowing what you’d like to do and being able to actually do it are two very different things. Probably my biggest grievance with the prevalence of the phrase “do what you love” is that it leaves out the reality of privilege. Not everyone is afforded the opportunity to pursue their passions, and that’s not even scratching the surface. I am nowhere near qualified enough to go into detail on this issue, but I do understand that doing what you love is not simple or even feasible for many people.

I am watching our ideas on work change as I get older, but when I was a kid, the nebulous idea of “work” seemed like the be-all and end-all of what an adult’s life was. In my late twenties, when I worked part-time but was also a stay-at-home mom, I struggled personally for years with the idea of failure. I wasn’t using my college degree, and my job was something I enjoyed, but not anything I was passionate about. Yet, I did get fulfillment from taking care of my baby. It was complicated to navigate. The idea of being “successful” was something that never really held much appeal to me, seeming as it did to equate to money almost exclusively. But during that time, I decided that the phrase “love what you do” was a much better mindset for me than “do what you love.” I found enjoyment in what started out as “just” a job because I made the active decision to change the way I looked at it.

Volunteer work, child-rearing, social relationships, romantic relationships, self-care, and personal growth all fit under the “love what you do” umbrella that I had created for myself, and working a job that wasn’t my dream didn’t feel like something I needed to feel down about. It seems to me that, while telling people to aim for the stars is all well and good, promoting being content with and celebrating non-work-related achievements is a much healthier way to be.

Coco June is a Memphian, mother, and the Flyer’s theater columnist.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Justice for All: Existing as a Person of Color Can Get You Killed

We live in a scary world. A world in which just existing as a person of color is enough to get you killed. A world in which running, walking down the street, bird-watching, or sleeping in our own homes (to name just a few activities) can lead to threats, violence, and even death. 

In the wake of George Floyd’s death at the knee of a white Minneapolis police officer, and other recent violence toward black Americans, last week a black mother in Memphis, turned to Nextdoor.com to plead with neighbors for her son’s safety and life.

In a post titled “Nice young man. Don’t harm,” the woman asked for neighbors to look out for her 14-year-old son and keep him safe if they see him jogging, walking their dog, or riding his bike.

“The way things are happening these days I fear anyone that would abuse their position and falsely accuse my son of any random crime,” she wrote. “Please look out for him and protect him if you see anyone that mistakes him as a criminal.”

Her son is barely into puberty and she has to plead for him to be able to do the things that teenage boys should be able to do in America, “the land of the free,” without thinking twice about it and without fear or reservation.

But, like many, this mother recognizes the reality that life in America isn’t always just and therefore isn’t always safe for people of color. No one wants their son, father, brother, uncle, or cousin to become the next headline or hashtag.

That said, people are angry. And rightfully so. We’ve seen this anger and frustration play out over the past week through protests, marches, and in some cases violence. It should also be said that this outrage expressed by people now is also a response to years and years and years of oppression. It represents the emotional outpouring from generations of systemic racism.

The system was built on racism. It’s true. America was built on the backs of people of color who were displaced, misused, and abused. Now, we have laws to prevent overt acts of discrimination, but when a police officer kills a man in broad daylight, one begins to wonder whether or not those laws are actually protecting people. One begins to wonder if America has really progressed — or if it is regressing.

It’s not only anger causing people to speak up now, but sadness, fear, heartbreak, and exhaustion. People can take only so much before they break, before they lash out. Martin Luther King Jr. said “a riot is the language of the unheard.” Well, black people have been unheard for years, and desperation leads people to do what may seem unreasonable in the eyes of some.

People of color constantly live in fear of being racially profiled, mistreated, accused, or even killed. This is a reality that has to be addressed, now.

White people have never had to live with the lingering fear of being persecuted because of how their skin looks. Therefore, they have no right to dismiss or minimize the struggles of people of color.

No one should continue to be a bystander to racism. Your silence makes you complicit. Your inaction makes you a part of the problem.

No matter your race, you should be angry and fed up. Let your anger lead to action. Be an ally. Vote. Speak up. We cannot be silent anymore. We cannot overlook or ignore the injustices happening around us to our neighbors. Stand with those who are upset. Hear their pain.

Will George Floyd be the last hashtag? Or will his name be added to — and buried in — the long list of black people unjustly killed at the hands of the police? Will this be a turning point in American history? Or will it continue and continue? This cannot be the reality for the next generation. It’s been long enough. It’s a matter of humanity.

Police departments have to be reformed. Officers have to be trained to de-escalate. There needs to be a revolution of values. It goes without saying that not all police officers are racist or intent on causing harm, but it’s hard for black people to trust an agency that for years has not been on our side. In order for trust to be built, there has to be a change.

There will be no peace until there is justice for all.

Maya Smith is a Flyer staff writer.