Tag: Parody

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Senator Marsha Blackburn Murders Police Officer

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha…

In an act of cold-blooded not giving a shit, Senator Marsha Blackburn created a fictional Memphis police officer then murdered him in a press release. She was responding to a tragic, true-life event that climaxed with the death of an African-American male following a confrontation with U.S. Marshals.

“My prayers are with the family of the fallen officer,” Blackburn wrote, expressing her shared grief with the imaginary wife and children of a true fake hero.

“We can’t let the fact that Blackburn’s police officer is a complete fabrication and probably a fantasy expression of her thinly veiled racism obscure the fact that she also killed the man,” says the University of Midtown’s frequently cited Crypto-criminologist Roger Datt.
[pullquote-1] While some observers have suggested that Senator Blackburn is an evil genius posing as a simpleton, Datt thinks this description misses the point. “What she is is a murderer,” he says. “Sure, she retracted her original statements. But what good did that do? The bad information was already circulating, and a fictional officer was already dead.”

The article is a parody, but this press release is real AF.

Popular political commentator Helmut Mann offered an opinion as to why Blackburn would create a fictional police officer only to murder him. Mann, known for his cheeky, Nazi-light views, and for being a snappy dresser, says there’s only one thing we can know for sure.

“This is most definitely not rooted in deeply held white supremacist values,” Mann says, offended by the very idea. “Nor is it a lazy, but effective projection of racist cliches designed to stimulate a political base or gin up unrest, and the need for strong authoritarian action. To even suggest something like that should be punishable by disembraining.”

Memphis activist Bing Hampton has organized a memorial for the dead officer who was never alive in the first place. “It’s bad enough that this event resulted in the actual death of a civilian of color,” Hampton says. “But the senseless death of an innocent, imaginary, probably white police officer is just too much to bear.”

“Blackburn is a true freedom fighter who’s struggling to ensure that everybody, including hostile foreign governments have a say in our public elections,” Mann asserts. “If she killed an imaginary police officer, you can bet your last ruble he probably deserved killing.”
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Yes, this article is a parody. We’ve said so twice already!

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Giant Tim Urban Hologram Playing Graceland, Nashville; Graceland, Tokyo; and Graceland, Dubai

Fans having fun at authentic Elvis home Graceland, Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai.

Apr. 9, 2084, DUBAI — You know, it’s just like American idol Elvis Presley said to the people, when asked what he missed about his authentic Graceland home in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai. “I am missing everything about my authentic home,” he said. And fans of ElvisHouse Concerts are missing everything too when Giant Tim Urban Hologram isn’t playing the GhostHouse in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai.

“We are very excited to have Giant Hologram Tim Urban back in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai,” Gracespokesbot-6000 told the Memphis Flyer in a lively Psychlosian mind-link interview last Trumpsday. “Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime’s reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah,’ had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah.'”

Giant Tim Urban Hologram Playing Graceland, Nashville; Graceland, Tokyo; and Graceland, Dubai

Performed as the climax of Giant Hologram Tim Urban’s high energy concert, Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” has been transformed into a powerful duet with the Living Head of Lisa Marie Presley, who performs live via Xenusian magic from her jar in Las Vegas.

“We are excited to have the Living Head of Lisa Marie Presley back at the GhostHouse in Nashville, Tokyo, and Dubai and performing with Giant Hologram Tim Urban,” Gracespokesbot-6000 says. “Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime’s reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah,’ had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah.'”

Although he only placed seventh in season 9 of American Idol, Tim Prime’s reality TV cover of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah,’ had a profound influence on future reality TV covers of Jeff Buckley’s cover of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah.”
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YES, this is a PARODY POST. Just check the tab up top. 

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Memphis is Funny, 2018: The Year in Parody

It’s been a great year for Fly on the Wall’s fake news team Davis Christopher and Peripheral Gibson. Together our parodists covered everything from Senator-elect Marsha Blackburn’s hair being identified as a brain-eating alien parasite, to riverfront development. Here are the top 5 Fly on the Wall parodies of 2018, in no particular order.

1.Tom Lee Park Redesign ‘Totally Unrelated To Atlantis’ New Riverfront Chief Says
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON
At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, Carol Coletta, head of the Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), previously called the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC), told reporters that her organization’s plans to dramatically alter the landscape of Tom Lee Park have nothing to do with her predecessor’s ambitious project to raise the lost, subaquatic city-state of Atlantis from the depths of the Mississippi River.

“Our plan will activate the park space for all Memphians, and make it more attractive to Memphis In May festival goers,” said Coletta. “It’s totally unrelated to the RDC’s plans to raise Atlantis.”

Coletta joined the RDC in March, replacing Benny Lendermon, who had announced the public-private partnership’s multimillion dollar plan to spend millions of dollars on targeted nuclear explosives that would trigger powerful earthquakes bringing the long hidden city/state of Atlantis back to the Above World, presumably to rule over a golden age of peace and prosperity for Memphis and the Mid-South region. *CLICK TO CONTINUE READING*


2. Men at War
Old Friends Won’t Let Women Bring Them Down
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER

Gunner Armstrong shakes his head, and digs into his backpack to retrieve a freshly purchased bottle of pepper spray. “I don’t know how effective this stuff is,” he mumbles, pulling on his reading glasses and skimming the directions. “I had a friend in college who would get a couple of beers in him and squirt it in his mouth like it was breath freshener.”

Like many manly men today, Armstrong lives in abject terror. “You never can be too careful with women being what they are,” he says, expressing an increasingly common, and deeply masculine sentiment. At least twice a week Armstrong says he finds himself walking a block or more past his house, keys clenched firmly in his fist like claws, because he’s convinced a woman is following him home, possibly to accuse him of harassment. “At some point I’ll find a nice bright street light and stop there to pretend like I’m taking a phone call or something. I’ll just let them walk on past, you know?” Armstrong says. “It’s probably all in my imagination. But like dad always said: better safe than hungover and accused of some bullshit you totally don’t remember doing.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING.

3. Great Works of Literature as Written by the Shelby Co. Election Commission
With Help from The Memphis City Council
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER

Emboldened by national attention resulting from the careful and creative wording of current ballot amendments, the Shelby County Election Commission has committed considerable time and evident talent to improving the greatest works of world literature. While Fly on the Wall has yet to see a completed text, 5 first line samples were leaked this morning, revealing the epic scope of the Commission’s City Council-aided writing project.

Moby- Dick
Herman Melville with the Shelby Co. Election Commission

“Shall Ishmael serve as a common spoken or chirographic signifier not expressly for greeting, but sometimes for gaining the narrator’s attention?” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING


4. Consultants Plan Monument To Consultants On Memphis Riverfront
POSTED BY PERIPHERAL GIBSON

Claiming they have “bridged the gap between perception and reality,” a group of consultants has proposed Consultants’ Park, which will be dedicated to the many consultants hired to determine what Memphis should do with its riverfront.

“Since 1924, the city of Memphis has been trying to figure out what to do with this unique space, which overlooks one of the largest, brownest bodies of water in the world, and also Arkansas,” says the Preamble to the Executive Summary of the 2,667-page report issued by the Memphis Riverfront Consultants’ Coalition (MRCC). “Like the hundreds of consultants who came before us, we puzzled about how to polish Mud Island into a Mud Diamond. Then, three days into our recent ayahuasca trance charette, it suddenly hit us. What is more dependable and integral to the Memphis Riverfront experience than the Big Muddy? For the last century, the answer has been, consultants. That’s why we are executing Consultants’ Park, a reminder to all Memphis and the world that consultants matter, and that they must be paid.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

5. Citizens Organize to Protect Neighborhood Bar With Wall, Moat
POSTED BY DAVIS CHRISTOPHER
Community organizer Bing Hampton knows his audience. “Big Development’s not gonna get their grubby paws on Alex’s Tavern,” he shouts into his trusty bullhorn. There’s no reason to believe developers of any size are looking to acquire the Jackson Avenue institution, but that did not allay the concerns of roughly two-dozen Midtowners who waved signs with all-cap messages like “THE DIVE MUST SURVIVE,” and answered back, “Hell no.” CLICK TO CONTINUE READING

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Consultants Plan Monument To Consultants On Memphis Riverfront

Sign greeting visitors to Consultants Park.

Claiming they have “bridged the gap between perception and reality,” a group of consultants has proposed Consultants’ Park, which will be dedicated to the many consultants hired to determine what Memphis should do with its riverfront.

“Since 1924, the city of Memphis has been trying to figure out what to do with this unique space, which overlooks one of the largest, brownest bodies of water in the world, and also Arkansas,” says the Preamble to the Executive Summary of the 2,667-page report issued by the Memphis Riverfront Consultants’ Coalition (MRCC). “Like the hundreds of consultants who came before us, we puzzled about how to polish Mud Island into a Mud Diamond. Then, three days into our recent ayahuasca trance charette, it suddenly hit us. What is more dependable and integral to the Memphis Riverfront experience than the Big Muddy? For the last century, the answer has been, consultants. That’s why we are executing Consultants’ Park, a reminder to all Memphis and the world that consultants matter, and that they must be paid.”
[pullquote-1] “That’s ‘Consultants’, plural,” says the first of the document’s 1,300 footnotes. “Because consultants love company.”

According to the design documents, Consultants’ Park will stretch the entire 2,348 mile length of the eastern bank of the Mississippi. It will include a specially designed “Consultants’ Safe Space Play Area”, where businesses can bring their consultants to frolic in the fresh, humid river air and socialize with other consultants. There will also be a Consultant’s Corner, where citizens can interact with and ask questions of a real live consultant, and then pay them directly in cash for their advice. “We see this as a way to get people off the streets and into cushy consulting gigs,” says the MRCC.

The centerpiece of the park will be a 1,923-foot tall statue of a consultant riding triumphant on a rearing steed. “It’s 1,923 feet tall, because 1923 was the year our consultant forefathers first discovered the Mississippi riverfront,” says the MRCC.
As for the rest of the 2,000+ mile park, the MRCC says “We’ll get food trucks or something.” 

Signage directing visitors to Consultants Park

The project is estimated to cost $1.2 billion. The MRCC points out that only $1 billion of the budget is allotted to consultant’s fees. “It’s a bargain for the taxpayers!”
As of press time, no city officials were available for comment.
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Yes, this is a PARODY. Didn’t you see the black and yellow tab at the top.

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Tom Lee Park Redesign ‘Totally Unrelated To Atlantis’ New Riverfront Chief Says

Definitely not an irradiated Gill Man.

At a press conference in their Front Street headquarters on Tuesday, Carol Coletta, head of the Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), previously called the Riverfront Development Corporation (RDC), told reporters that her organization’s plans to dramatically alter the landscape of Tom Lee Park have nothing to do with her predecessor’s ambitious project to raise the lost, subaquatic city-state of Atlantis from the depths of the Mississippi River.

“Our plan will activate the park space for all Memphians, and make it more attractive to Memphis In May festival goers,” said Coletta. “It’s totally unrelated to the RDC’s plans to raise Atlantis.”

Coletta joined the RDC in March, replacing Benny Lendermon, who had announced the public-private partnership’s multimillion dollar plan to spend millions of dollars on targeted nuclear explosives that would trigger powerful earthquakes bringing the long hidden city/state of Atlantis back to the Above World, presumably to rule over a golden age of peace and prosperity for Memphis and the Mid-South region.

“Now some people will say that the new undulating hills we’re building in the flood zone of one of the most powerful rivers in the solar system would be an ideal spot for burying the thousands of horribly burned gill-men cadavers that have been washing up on the banks of the Big Muddy, but you would be wrong,” said Coletta.
[pullquote-1] “We acknowledge mutation is an ongoing problem in this area of the river,” she added. “But we prefer to focus on making the riverfront great for everybody.”

Similarly, a rebranding effort that changed the name of a corporation devoted to riverfront development (RDC) to Memphis River Parks Partnership (MRPP), was in no way caused by news reports associating the RDC with the effort to raise Atlantis.

“Having a new name that doesn’t come up in Google searches next to the words ‘raise Atlantis’ and ‘nuclear weapons’ was in no way a factor in our decision to rebrand,” said Coletta. “Look, the truth is, there wasn’t much to the Atlantis thing. It was really overblown by the media, right from the beginning.

“When Benny’s crew of nuclear demolition engineers got to where they thought Atlantis was going to be, there wasn’t anything there. So, they left. That’s what happened.

“Those earthquakes you want to ask me about, we had nothing to do with those. Completely natural phenomenon.

“We’re just laser-focused on making the riverfront better by cleaning up all the radioactive material from the shoreline and disposing of it somewhere that’s not Tom Lee Park.”

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Obama Enforces Gay Marriage Law

CREDIT: By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

By Ludovic Bertron from New York City, Usa [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

– Washington, D.C.

In the wake of last week’s historic Supreme Court decision making same-sex marriage legal, the Obama administration has taken a strict interpretation of the ruling and ordered that every adult in America marry a same-sex partner.

“My administration reads the Obergfell decision as one mandating that the gay agenda be implemented fully and, if necessary, by force,” President Obama said in an address from the White House’s new Rainbow Room. “The time for change is literally now.”

Bruce Vilanch, the administration’s newly appointed Secretary of Super Gay Affairs, detailed more of the plans. “We began five minutes after the Supreme Court decision was announced. We loaded up black helicopters with our elite squad of “Do Ask and Do Tell” soldiers and went to everyone’s house, took their guns, and then used those guns to make the straights get divorced. You should have seen Clint Eastwood. He was so mad he’s still screaming at a chair!”

“At first I was confused and upset,” said 52 year old Michael Newton of Madison, Wisconsin. “I’d been married to Carol for 27 years, up until they took my gun, pointed it me and made me divorce her and marry some random guy. But, it’ll work out, I suppose. Chet seems nice.”

In addition to mandating gay marriages, the President added, “Oh, and all churches have to start performing gay wedding right now. Period. And don’t even think about not making gay wedding cakes, people. We will flat out Gitmo you if you do.”

President Obama explained the penalties for refusing to participate in the new so-called “Got Gay” initiative. “If you refuse to marry someone of your gender, you will hunt you down with a drone, send in troops and drag you before a death panel, just like the ones I saw as a young boy in Kenya. Yeah, that’s right. I’m from Kenya. Deal with that.”

The President then used a bunch of racial slurs for no reason, laughed and then announced that he had to leave to plan his wedding with Vice-President Joe Biden.

Immediately following the President’s press conference, Vilanch announced that his department will immediately get to work trying to legalize people getting married to children, dogs, three dentist at a time and “in Clint Eastwood’s case a chair! That’s a callback, people,” Vilanch said.

Joey Hack is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  More of his work and the work of other hilarious people can be found in The Howling Monkey Magazine. 

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

Country Music Stations Ban Albums By GOP Senators

CREDIT: Photographer unknown; the image comes from KCEN-TV’s archive and was provided by Dan Archer of KCEN. [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons

Photographer unknown; the image comes from KCEN-TV’s archive and was provided by Dan Archer of KCEN. [Attribution], via Wikimedia Commons

– Nashville, TN

The National Association of Country Music Broadcasters (“NACMB”) today announced that all albums by GOP senators who signed a letter to Iran are banned on member station airwaves.

“We have a long standing policy of banning albums by people that bad mouth the U.S.A. and the President to foreign nations or on foreign soil,” said Bonnie McReba, NACMB President. “When the Dixie Chicks pulled their little treason stunt in England back in ’03, we were swift to punish them. We have no choice but to do the same to those traitors in the Senate.”

The banning follows an open letter signed by 47 Republican senators to Iranian leaders indicating any agreement reached with the Obama administration on issues relating to nuclear materials would not “count” and would not last beyond the current administration.

“Country music fans are nothing if not intellectually honest and consistent,” McReba said. “Can you imagine how mad they are that someone is bad mouthing our current President? We really have to take this action or face huge blowback from our listeners.”

He may be grinnin’, but after today’s decision he won’t be pickin’!

A spokesperson for Senator Tom Cotton, the Arkansas Republican who spearheaded the letter said, “Obviously, we are very disappointed in [NAMCB]’s decision. But, we have to do what we feel is right for America. It’s just sad that anyone who wants to hear Senator Cotton’s new album Jug Band Hootenanny will have to go through iTunes or the Senator’s website.”

Top tracks from that album include Why You Done Kilt My Dog?, She Don’t Know Why She Left (But She Did), and Obama Ain’t Nothing But A Dang Stinkbug.

Joey Hack is a regular contributor to The Fly on the Wall, and is a member of The Wiseguys improv troupe.  For more of his stuff check out The Howling Monkey blog or The Howling Monkey Magazine.

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Fly On The Wall Blog Opinion

New Family Dollar to be Built Across From Almost New Family Dollar?

Screen_shot_2013-07-06_at_12.50.28_AM.png

Memphis’ Uptown Neighborhood is abuzz with the possibility that a brand new Family Dollar could be constructed at Chelsea and Thomas just across from another, still relatively new Family Dollar, also located at Chelsea and Thomas.

“Value is attractive to everybody, but some people just won’t cross the street for it,” says Earl Gray, the founding director of Solutionista, an innovation firm that advises management at large discount chains, showing CEOs worldwide why ideas that don’t seem to make any sense really do.

“As long as they put a sign in the window advertising ‘discount cigs,’ I’m confident that this Family Dollar will do every bit as well as the one across the street,” Gray says. “And, due to recent population shifts, it could potentially outperform the original within 3- to 5-years of opening.”

According to Gray, having the word “family” in its name is just one of many reasons why Family Dollar can build a new store across the street from a nearly new one.

“It makes you feel at home wherever you are. You know right off it’s a place where you can buy your discount cigs without having to worry about whether or not your children are being exposed to the wrong ‘As Seen on TV’ products,” he says.