Presidential debate – Memphis Flyer

“Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, here with Dana Bash to moderate the first presidential debate of 2024 between President Joe Biden and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Dana?”

“Thank you, Jake. Our first question goes to you, President Biden, and it’s this: Would you rather sink with a battery-powered boat and risk electrocution or be eaten by a shark?”

“Why, what kinda malarkey question is that?”

“It’s an issue that Mr. Trump has raised in several speeches and we’d like your response.”

“Well, it’s a stupid question because I don’t think a boat battery would electrocute you, but I guess I’d choose going down with the boat. A shark attack would be a painful death.”

“Thank you, President Biden. Now, Mr. Trump, your first question: You’ve said you’re in favor of posting the Ten Commandments in public schools. How many of the Ten Commandments can you name?”

“Thou shouldn’t steal! What’s wrong with posting that in schools? They stole an election from me! Stop the steal. The Ten Commandments. Has anyone read this incredible stuff? My uncle taught at MIT, so I’m pretty smart, believe me. That being said, I really can’t pick a favorite commandment. They’re all great.”

“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Back to you, Jake.”

“Thank you, Dana. President Biden, I’d like you to address another issue raised by Mr. Trump: Specifically, what do you think about Hannibal Lecter? Mr. Trump says, ‘The late, great Hannibal Lecter said nice things about me.’ How do you feel about Mr. Lecter and his comments?”

“What?? Hannibal Lecter is a fictional horror-movie character. He was a cannibal. He never said anything about Donald Trump. That’s crazy.”

“So, President Biden, you have no opinion about Mr. Lecter? You’re silent as a lamb?”

“This is ridiculous! Since I’ve been president, we’ve had the two strongest years of job growth in U.S. history. My administration has created 11 million jobs since 2021. I stood up to OPEC and have brought gas prices down by almost $2 a gallon. And what about a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own healthcare decisions? What about new gun laws? What about climate change? Ukraine and Russia? Israel and Hamas? These are the issues we should be talking about!”

“Be that as it may, Mr. President, we’d like to know where you stand on water pressure. Mr. Trump alleges that in America water just drips from showers and he can’t get his hair wet enough. We’d also like to know how your administration plans to deal with cancer-causing windmills.”

“Windmills don’t cause cancer! That’s nuts! And I don’t care what my predecessor says about faucets. His hair is a joke, anyway.”

“President Biden, we ask that you refrain from personal attacks and stay on the issues. Mr. Trump has recently proposed that the UFC stage a series of bouts between its fighters and ‘migrants.’ If a migrant wins, he gets to stay in the country. Mr. Trump has also proposed that any immigrant who graduates from any college would get an automatic green card. Your response?”

“I would point out that Mr. Trump is also proposing to round up and deport millions of immigrants on his first day in office. Which is it? Green cards or deportation or UFC fights? He has no coherent policy on immigration. Why aren’t you asking him how he plans to do any of this and how much it will cost?”

“President Biden, with all due respect, we need you to stay on topic. Mr. Trump said in a speech last weekend that you plan to name a military base after Al Sharpton. Is this true?”

“What??? No, of course not. What is wrong with you people? We now have a 3.5 percent unemployment rate — the lowest in 50 years. Mr. Trump talked about infrastructure for four years and did nothing. We passed an infrastructure bill that’s creating needed projects in all 50 states. Sixteen million households are now getting low-cost or free high-speed internet. We passed the first significant gun reform legislation in 30 years. These are the issues we need to be discussing, not sharks and windmills and UFC matches and Trump’s faucets.”

“Back to you, Dana.”

“Thanks, Jake. President Biden, one final question: How old are you and can you find your way off this stage?”

Wow. What a debate, eh? I mean, who could have seen that coming? President Trump demanding that Joe Biden take a drug test live, on national television? Whoa!

And then, Biden coming back with that great dad-joke one-liner: “Urine sane, Donald! Don’t piss me off!”

Then, what about when Trump told moderator Chris Wallace that not paying taxes “makes me smart,” and Biden said, “Well, then, how smart do you have to be to pay a porn star $130,000?” You have to admit, that was a classic moment, one for the history books.

And don’t get me started about Trump making fun of Sleepy Joe’s cosmetic surgery, and Biden pointing out that Trump deducted $70,000 from his taxes for makeup and hair. That was tense, right? These guys were like two old (really old) heavyweights, letting it all out, hammering away at each other. American democracy at its finest.

Well, okay, none of that happened. Or maybe it did. It wouldn’t surprise me. Crazier things have happened. In fact, they do, every week. But by now you’ve probably figured out that I had to finish this column on Tuesday, several hours before the first 2020 presidential debate began. So what everyone will be talking about on Wednesday after the debate is a mystery as I write this. I do know it will probably be ridiculous — or terrifying. Or both. And I do know I’ll be drinking as I watch it. These things make me very nervous, especially this year.

Maybe we’ll get yet another giant bombshell of a revelation that will “end Trump’s presidency,” something “he can’t possibly survive,” like ignoring Russia putting bounties on American troops, or telling Bob Woodward he intentionally downplayed COVID-19, or paying off a porn star to keep quiet about a liaison, or intentionally separating children from their parents and putting them in cages to deter immigration, or falsely saying mail-in ballots were a crooked Democratic scheme, or telling America that he wouldn’t accept November’s election results unless he liked them.

What’s next? Who can possibly predict? It’s just exhausting. Every day there are new tweets, new lies, new outrages, new revelations. And I’m sure by the time you read this, some fresh nonsense will have happened — during the debate or after — that no one could have even imagined.

We’re in a topsy-turvy world, where blue-collar white guys who have more than $750 deducted from every paycheck are defending a president who pays no taxes and got a $72 million tax-refund check, where religious evangelicals who claim to be disciples of Jesus are standing up for a man who is the very antithesis of Christian values, where Republicans who used to claim to be “conservative” have abandoned any and all principles, choosing instead to relentlessly kiss the ass of an amoral grifter. Lamar Alexander, I’m talking to you. Among many others.

I miss normal. I miss presidents who have pets and wear casual clothes and go on vacations with their kids, presidents who don’t spend every spare moment watching Fox News and trying to get — or divert — our attention by tweeting at us 40 times a day. I miss not having to think about our fearless leader every time I turn on the news or go online. I miss being able to assume that the president — Democrat or Republican — is looking out for the American people and trying to do what they think is best for us, instead of constantly working a hustle for their own bottom line. I miss being able to assume the president has at least some core principles, some level of integrity.

I’m tired of all this incompetency and narcissism and lying and exaggeration — every damn day. I think most Americans are. But it’s clear by now that those who support Trump — maybe 40 percent of us — are all in, no matter what he says or does. It’s a cult. Nothing will deter their allegiance to their orange Jim Jones. And it’s also become quite clear that nothing ends this madness but an election, and even that is in question with this guy.

More chaos lies ahead of us — maybe weeks, maybe months — all complicated by the unrelenting virus that hangs in the background, ready to re-emerge if we let down our vigilance. The bottom line is undeniable: We need a massive landslide defeat of the man who has corrupted the American presidency, who has turned federal agencies into political fiefdoms, and who has made the U.S. Justice Department into his personal law firm.

Vote. That’s it. Do it in person, if at all possible. This chapter of American history needs to end.