“Hello, I’m Jake Tapper, here with Dana Bash to moderate the first presidential debate of 2024 between President Joe Biden and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump. Dana?”
“Thank you, Jake. Our first question goes to you, President Biden, and it’s this: Would you rather sink with a battery-powered boat and risk electrocution or be eaten by a shark?”
“Why, what kinda malarkey question is that?”
“It’s an issue that Mr. Trump has raised in several speeches and we’d like your response.”
“Well, it’s a stupid question because I don’t think a boat battery would electrocute you, but I guess I’d choose going down with the boat. A shark attack would be a painful death.”
“Thank you, President Biden. Now, Mr. Trump, your first question: You’ve said you’re in favor of posting the Ten Commandments in public schools. How many of the Ten Commandments can you name?”
“Thou shouldn’t steal! What’s wrong with posting that in schools? They stole an election from me! Stop the steal. The Ten Commandments. Has anyone read this incredible stuff? My uncle taught at MIT, so I’m pretty smart, believe me. That being said, I really can’t pick a favorite commandment. They’re all great.”
“Thank you, Mr. Trump. Back to you, Jake.”
“Thank you, Dana. President Biden, I’d like you to address another issue raised by Mr. Trump: Specifically, what do you think about Hannibal Lecter? Mr. Trump says, ‘The late, great Hannibal Lecter said nice things about me.’ How do you feel about Mr. Lecter and his comments?”
“What?? Hannibal Lecter is a fictional horror-movie character. He was a cannibal. He never said anything about Donald Trump. That’s crazy.”
“So, President Biden, you have no opinion about Mr. Lecter? You’re silent as a lamb?”
“This is ridiculous! Since I’ve been president, we’ve had the two strongest years of job growth in U.S. history. My administration has created 11 million jobs since 2021. I stood up to OPEC and have brought gas prices down by almost $2 a gallon. And what about a woman’s right to control her own body and make her own healthcare decisions? What about new gun laws? What about climate change? Ukraine and Russia? Israel and Hamas? These are the issues we should be talking about!”
“Be that as it may, Mr. President, we’d like to know where you stand on water pressure. Mr. Trump alleges that in America water just drips from showers and he can’t get his hair wet enough. We’d also like to know how your administration plans to deal with cancer-causing windmills.”
“Windmills don’t cause cancer! That’s nuts! And I don’t care what my predecessor says about faucets. His hair is a joke, anyway.”
“President Biden, we ask that you refrain from personal attacks and stay on the issues. Mr. Trump has recently proposed that the UFC stage a series of bouts between its fighters and ‘migrants.’ If a migrant wins, he gets to stay in the country. Mr. Trump has also proposed that any immigrant who graduates from any college would get an automatic green card. Your response?”
“I would point out that Mr. Trump is also proposing to round up and deport millions of immigrants on his first day in office. Which is it? Green cards or deportation or UFC fights? He has no coherent policy on immigration. Why aren’t you asking him how he plans to do any of this and how much it will cost?”
“President Biden, with all due respect, we need you to stay on topic. Mr. Trump said in a speech last weekend that you plan to name a military base after Al Sharpton. Is this true?”
“What??? No, of course not. What is wrong with you people? We now have a 3.5 percent unemployment rate — the lowest in 50 years. Mr. Trump talked about infrastructure for four years and did nothing. We passed an infrastructure bill that’s creating needed projects in all 50 states. Sixteen million households are now getting low-cost or free high-speed internet. We passed the first significant gun reform legislation in 30 years. These are the issues we need to be discussing, not sharks and windmills and UFC matches and Trump’s faucets.”
“Back to you, Dana.”
“Thanks, Jake. President Biden, one final question: How old are you and can you find your way off this stage?”