Hook-up culture has been praised in recent years, as many say it seeks to empower those who choose to be intimate without the perils of commitment. Dating apps have made it easier for those seeking these types of relationships; however, this idea has also caused for Black queer men to steer clear of these apps.
Joshua Knight, a 29-year-old Black gay man, said that sex is important, but it isn’t everything. He said that he feels that it’s a common thing that people want, but Knight craves a more meaningful and intimate connection.
Dating apps may seem appealing, as they seek to make the process of finding prospects quicker and more accessible. However, these apps can also can provide a number of challenges that make dating in marginalized communities more difficult to navigate.
Most of these apps rely heavily on photos to appeal to prospective partners. According to Knight, this can be detrimental, as many are criticized and put at a disadvantage for the way they present themselves. In Knight’s opinion, this inclination towards more masculine-presenting people is halting progress in the Black queer community.
“It seems like we will never progress because almost every gay guy has this vision of their partner being masculine, when in reality we all are gay,” said Knight. “They paint this image that there isn’t supposed to be femine gays and that’s what’s dividing us. It’s annoying.”
This theme is not just germane to Knight, as many have reported this idea as something they’ve encountered on dating apps.
Keveon Beavers, a 21-year-old Black gay man, said that he has “entertained dating apps,” but for the most part he doesn’t necessarily like them. He said that looks play a major role in the success of these apps, and that they serve as more of an ego booster, as opposed to an outlet to find true love.
“It’s just straight up misogynistic,” Beavers said. “You know, people have internalized homophobia.”
According to Beavers, he doesn’t always present “masculine.” Beavers said that in some of his features he takes after his mother, but he said this can also boil down to the way that he poses and “existing for his own comfort.”
Beavers said he is more inclined to meeting people organically. However, he said that being located in the South makes it harder to find openly queer people.
He said that he has found success in some spaces to do that. Beavers recently lived in Starkville, Mississippi, and in DeSoto County, where he said there seemed to be a more accepting and open dialogue.
However, he also said that just because there are two openly queer people in the same proximity does not guarantee that they are a perfect match for each other.
“Just because we’re gay doesn’t mean that we’re a pair for each other,” Beavers said.
Knight also said that for Black queer men specifically, it seems as if there are a number of “internal wars” that make it hard for them to date one another.
When it comes to navigating the dating scene as a Black queer man, Beavers said he doesn’t navigate it actually. He said that instead of bringing a chair to a table that he’s not welcomed at, he chooses to create his own table where he can bring others along with him, so that he does not have to worry about “maneuvering through different types of situations.”
“I shouldn’t have to always second guess myself in a space where I feel like I should be safe,” said Beavers.
It can be difficult being a minority in a space that seems to profit heavily off of the culture of a marginalized community such as Black queer people. According to Beavers, those in the majority seem to leech off of lingo, fashion, and culture of their community, yet no one seems to want to share in the struggles and realities that they face.
“It’s one thing to be a Black person in America, but it’s another thing to be a Black queer person in America,” Beavers said. “That’s a whole nother subset, a whole nother different battle that we have to endure.”
It may seem as if those in marginalized communities would have support from others in their group, however Beavers said that this is not always the case. According to Beavers, down-low (DL) men would not be as “rampant” in the Black queer community if society was ready to have a conversation about not only Black men’s contributions to this culture, but Black women’s as well.
NLGJA: The Association of LGBTQ Journalists, defines “DL” as an “abbreviation for down low, which refers to men who secretly have sex with men.” This term was originally coined by Black men in the 1990’s.
“A lot of DL men are not worried about Black men’s opinions,” said Beavers. “More than likely, it’s Black women’s opinions. That’s what hurts the most.”
Beaver said that as Black women are another marginalized community, it would seem as if they would know what it is like to be on the “opposite side of the stick.” However, they can sometimes perpetuate homophobia, which, he said, stings the worst.
“It is expected that Black men to you know, cis-Black men are going to be cis-Black men,” Beaver said. “They’re the white men of the Black community. They want to be close to power. But, with this in particular, I would have to give this stick to Black women, in not saying ‘enough is enough’ and sticking by traditions and all these different things because they are so used to the patriarchy.”
While there seem to be a number of obstacles that Black queer men face, this does not signify the end of commitment for them. In fact, Beavers still remains optimistic as he knows that there is someone out there for him.
“I’m a very acquired taste, and not everybody’s going to like me. Not everybody is going to want me,” Beaver said. “I just know that by existing, I am going to catch somebody’s eye, and not have to do anything that is out of the ordinary to catch somebody’s eye.”