Hello, people of the future.
By the time you read this, we will have elected a new president. I hope you’ll be reading this and that Shit Creek hasn’t escaped its embankments and flooded us with millions of tons of Clinton emails and Donald J. Trump neckties. I hope Russia hasn’t decided to invade us while we weren’t looking, because the only thing I know about survival came from watching Red Dawn, and I’m not really cut out for the having-to-pee-in-the-woods way of life. I hope we haven’t woken up to riots.
I haven’t been one of the ones saying that if Trump wins, I’m going to Canada. I’m too lazy for that kind of commitment. My passport’s expired. I’m not stockpiling ammo. I can’t ever remember what gauge the guns are, so I’d end up with a closet full of the wrong kind, and I don’t think I’d be good at selling shotgun shells on the black market because I’m not one of those people who always knows a guy. I’m not moving out into the woods. Sure, we talked about it, but I just got a YMCA membership so I want to get my money’s worth from that. Also, I just bought a bunch of produce, and I’m not sure how techy the Canadians are about bringing collards into the country. Let’s not forget they sell milk in bags. I actually haven’t decided if that’s a positive or a negative.
My brother-in-law lives in The Hague, and we talked about crashing with him. I mean, all the Dutch seem concerned about legislating is the wearing of veils and headscarves, so I guess it must be pretty quiet over there. The problem is I have no balance, and riding a bike everywhere would not be good for me. Or anyone within a three-mile radius of me. Oh, and also I believe that clothing isn’t something a government should regulate unless one is serving in an army, and I’m pretty committed to that whole freedom of religion thing, so it’s really no good.
Dwong19 | Dreamstime.com
Miley Cyrus
I just Googled “what to do if Trump wins” and got a list of celebrities who said they were leaving if Trump is elected. Barbara Streisand, Raven-Symoné, Miley Cyrus, George Lopez, Chelsea Handler, and Amy Schumer are a few. In the interest of being fair and balanced, it’s good to know there might be something positive from a Trump reign. If Clinton won, the Oath Keepers have promised Civil War. I wonder if I am waking up to an America where Miley Cyrus is tweeting about weed from Cape Breton? I’m not entirely uncomfortable with that.
I think this morning we all woke up relieved the election is over. I think we woke up tired. I think we woke up wondering if we need to push the credit card payment back to make the mortgage on time. I probably woke up this morning realizing I forgot to get coffee. I probably woke up because my dog was whining to go out. My husband probably woke up because I accidentally popped him in the head because I was dreaming that I was in a fistfight with a beaver (that has actually happened). We all woke up this morning just like we have hundreds of mornings before, and we’ll fall in bed tonight just like the hundreds of nights before. I’m not saying the election didn’t matter. I’m saying I’m trying really hard not to quote the Who about new bosses and old bosses because it seems trite.
My father told me never to vote against anything or anyone. Vote for something or someone. I was able to do that this year, just like I’ve been able to since my first Presidential Smackdown in 1992. Some years it’s harder than others, but no one ever said democracy was easy. If it were, everybody would have one. I don’t mind that other countries roll their eyes at us. It’s not like they don’t have shenanigans. Milk in bags, remember? Italy elected a porn star to parliament. North Korea’s run by the kid who sat in the back of your math class and ate his own boogers. There are people in Britain who honestly didn’t know that voting to leave the European Union really meant they would leave the European Union.
Perhaps we’ll see how close we came to ruin and make better choices next election cycle. Maybe we’ll realize all politics is local and start making better choices at home, which will eventually trickle up to better national choices. Of course, maybe every reality “star” will see how easy it is to come close to the presidency, and we can look forward to Honey Boo Boo 2032 billboards.
Here in Memphis, we’ll go on grinding. It’s what we do.
Susan Wilson also writes for yeahandanotherthing.com and likethedew.com. She and her husband Chuck have lived here long enough to know that Midtown does not start at Highland.