Tag: Scott Walker

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Opinion The Last Word

Debate Rap

CREDIT: Richard Koele | Dreamstime.com

By the time this clairvoyant column hits the streets, the first Fox News/Facebook debate between the 87 declared GOP candidates will have already taken place. But just like Nostradamus, I already know what’s going to happen.

The Fox clan will determine the top 10 contenders by their popularity ranking in the latest national polls, which coincidentally is the same way they do it on American Idol.

Fox News boss Roger Ailes has chosen crack journalists Bret Baier, Megyn Kelly, and Chris Wallace to be the ringmasters of this circus, and since the bottom three contestants are statistically even, Ailes will probably pick who he thinks will give the best television. This debate is definitive proof that the de-facto leader of the Republican Party is Fox News. My crystal ball has told me what the Top 10 will say, starting with …

Donald Trump: The darling of the Tea Party and low-knowledge voter will make an attempt at dignity, until someone points out what an asshole he is, then Trump will go off and call everyone a loser and a horrible person and make damaging remarks about some opponent’s personal life. He’ll insist that he’s a nice person and that people like him, sort of like Al Franken minus the humor. Then he’ll rail about “illegals” and try to justify his comments about rapists by citing the abhorrent singular murder in San Francisco. He’ll build an impregnable fence, but it will be the classiest fence ever built. It’s time to put a winner in the White House. The four personal bankruptcies and three wives were just a speed bump. 

Scott Walker: The wildly unpopular governor of Wisconsin will mention that he’s already won two elections, although one was a recall prompted by the signatures of thousands of angry citizens who mobbed the Capitol Building in Madison. The recall was narrowly defeated thanks to a fortune in Koch brothers money. He will say his comparison of protesters with ISIS was poorly worded, but if elected president, the college dropout will immediately target this country’s greatest threat — the teachers’ union.

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Jeb Bush

Jeb Bush: “The other white meat” will insist that he’s his own man and will profess his love for his father and his brother without mentioning either of them by name. He’ll deflect accusations of being “soft” on immigration and say that Trump’s comments about Mexicans were hurtful and vulgar — only he’ll say it in the nicest possible way. Bush will mention his Mexican wife and love of the Hispanic people, appealing to them by hablando un poco español. He will say that his remarks about his endorsement of the Iraq war and his comments about “phasing out” Medicare were taken out of context.

Dr. Ben Carson: The brilliant neurosurgeon will tell his truly remarkable story and mention his recognized excellence in his field. Then he’ll compare Obamacare to slavery and the Democrats to the Nazis. He’ll discuss his opposition to gay marriage and attempt to explain away the fact that he has never run for or been elected to anything. He has said, “We live in a Gestapo age, [but] people don’t realize it.” With his fondness for Nazi references, you might let him work on your brain but not on your country.

Marco Rubio: He will pander to the Latino vote, even though Hispanics probably know the difference between a Mexican, a Puerto Rican, and a Cuban from Miami. He’ll condemn the new Cuba agreement, saying Obama made a deal with a communist dictator. He will mention his parents’ ordeal, and when asked if he, as a freshman senator, is prepared to be president, he will compare himself to John F. Kennedy. When asked about climate change, he will say he’s not a scientist and then plead for a glass of water.

Mike Huckabee: The Huck will double down on his remarks comparing the recent Iran accords to “marching the Israelis to the oven door.” He will say that the president is feckless and naive and then repeat his quote, “It doesn’t embarrass me one bit to let you know that I believe Adam and Eve were real people.” Wait until someone tells him they were black.

Rand Paul: The Ayn Rand acolyte will first have to explain why he tried to pass a law allowing him to run for president and senator at the same time. He will discuss his opposition to Medicare and Social Security and parts of the 1964 Civil Rights Act. He’ll say he wants to fix Social Security but wants you to forget about his statement that “reform is going to happen, and I hope it’s privatization,” or “The fundamental reason why Medicare is failing is why the Soviet Union failed.”

Ted Cruz: The loathsome reincarnation of Joseph McCarthy will repeat his statements that “Obama is the world’s largest financier of Islamic terrorism,” and “This is an administration that seems bound and determined to violate every single one of our Bill of Rights,” thus disqualifying him from further serious consideration for high office.

The other debators will be like a game of musical chairs between Chris “Bridgegate” Christie, Rick “Oops” Perry, and John Kasich, who stands a real chance of being shunned in the state of which he is governor. A Kasich staffer summed it up when he compared preparing for these debates to getting ready for a NASCAR race when one of the drivers is drunk. After all, who would you rather watch? Donald Trump or Carly Fiorina? My prediction is that the ratings for the debate will be “yoooge” and Fox will sign all the candidates to a glorified version of Hollywood Squares. There will definitely be a sequel, and it will be bigger, classier, and more spectacular than Sharknado 3.

Did I mention Benghazi?

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

Ask Not

After much prayer and reflection, and with the counsel of my friends, family, and rabbi, I hereby announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for president of the United States.

And why not? Everybody else and George Bush’s brother is running, so I figure I have at least as good a chance as half the field of already declared candidates — and I’m not under federal indictment. You can’t say as much for Governors Chris Christie, Rick Perry, and Scott Walker. Federal and state prosecutors continue to investigate Christie for his role in the “Bridgegate” scandal, as rumors of an email trail that implicate the governor have surfaced.

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Perry is potentially facing 109 years for two counts of felony abuse of power after attempting to coerce a district attorney to resign. So far, Perry’s efforts to have the charges dismissed have been denied twice by Republican judges.

Wisconsin prosecutors accuse Governor Walker of being part of a “wide-ranging scheme” of illegal fund-raising.

The same accusations have recently arisen over Governor Jeb Bush’s coy “I’m not yet a candidate” scam. After Bush declares, he can no longer personally ask for money, yet he’s acting like a candidate who’s using the asinine Citizens United decision to try and purchase the presidency. There’s an obvious joke about the White House vs. the Big House in here somewhere.

I’ve avoided politics ever since high school student government associations, but last night, I had a dream in which the Archangel Gabriel whispered in my ear that it was my destiny to be president. Of course, Ted Cruz’s traveling preacher dad said that God told him the same thing about his boy, so someone is confused here.

In fact, several people are confused about the Almighty’s participation in American politics. Cruz said, “God isn’t done with America yet. That is why … I am running for president.” But Perry said, “I truly believe with all my heart that God has put me in this place at this time to do his will.” Actually, Perry said that in 2012, so you’d think he’d get the hint. Dr. Ben Carson said, “I feel [the] fingers” of God, which he interpreted as the Almighty prodding his candidacy. Walker said, “We [I] want to make sure that, not only are we [I] hearing from the people, but we [I] want to discern that this is God’s calling.” Marco Rubio attends a fundamentalist mega-church that demands employees sign a declaration stating that they’ve never been in a gay relationship, and he goes to Catholic mass on Sundays, covering all his bases. And this is to say nothing of religious zealots Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee.

Either all these people are lying or insane, or God is goofing on the Republican candidates. Say what you will about Hillary, at least she never declared the Deity’s blessing was upon her. I, however, have been blessed by the order of Christian Brothers, Reverend Tom Patton, Rabbi James Wax, a Hindu “saint” in India, and a Muslim cleric in Israel. Now, who’s best qualified?

Since a handful of billionaires now own American politics, all you need to stay in the race is to find one to back you. Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson is leaning toward Rubio. Santorum is backed, for the second time, by mutual-fund zillionaire Foster Friess. The Koch oil barons tipped their greasy hands to Walker long ago. And Bush is backed by Woody Johnson, heir to the Johnson & Johnson company.

This is more exciting than the Belmont Stakes. They often call politics a “horse race,” but in this case, each candidate has his own jockey. Mere millionaires are whining for access, while former Philadelphia Eagles owner Norman Braman is planning to spend between 10 and 25 million “Washingtons” on Rubio alone. I’m certain that Hillary’s war chest will overflow as well, but who have the Democrats got? Communists like George Soros or hedge-fund magnate Tom Steyer, whose tree-hugging causes fund radical-leftist politicians. If I can just convince one patriotic billionaire that I hate Obamacare but love Israel, I could take this all the way to the GOP convention.

I could also raise a lot of untraceable money along the way, which begs the question (or maybe answers it): Why are so many guaranteed losers running for president? Why are George Pataki, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, John Kasich, and Donald Trump even running?

Trump is obviously a vanity candidate who does it for his ego and to promote The Apprentice, the most wonderful show that’s ever been on television. A few claim that they are in the race to promote certain views, like Santorum’s theory that America is under attack by Satan. The rest are auditioning for lucrative commentator chairs on Fox News or perhaps their own radio show or book deal. Some are jockeying for a future cabinet position in a fantasy Republican administration.

But mostly, it’s this endless funnel of dark money that bankrolls ideological figureheads for more sinister concerns. Since no one is accountable, who’s counting? Now that the mob has been chased out of Las Vegas, politics is the new skim. If a dollar is missing here or there, who’s to know?

Which is why I am unveiling my own Ultra-Conservative, Pro-Gun, God-Fearing Super-PAC: the UCPGGF. And I am asking you for pledges of just a few dollars a day to support my campaign to stop immigration, restore God to the classroom, end taxes, and return this great nation to its rightful owners, the Inuit.

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Opinion The Last Word

The Rant (February 26, 2015)

CREDIT: Randy Miramontez | Dreamstime.com

Just when I was convinced that Rudy Giuliani was the most despicable primate drawing breath, along comes Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker to play “What, me worry?” over Rudy’s abominable remarks. Just in case you missed it, the former “America’s mayor,” was speaking at a GOP fundraiser for the Wisconsin governor’s fledgling presidential campaign and made some stunningly ugly accusations about the president. Just so there’s no question about context, here’s the full quote: “I do not believe — and I know this is a horrible thing to say — but I do not believe that the president loves America. He doesn’t love you. And he doesn’t love me. He wasn’t brought up the way you were brought up and I was brought up through love of country.”

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Rudy Giuliani

Considering the room was filled with right-wing business executives and conservative media whores, the statement about who Obama loves has a ring of truth to it. But never in history has a president been questioned about his love of country. When Rudy’s ignorant opinion was roundly criticized as stone-cold racism, he was forced to backtrack in a damage control appearance on “Fox & Friends.” But he only trumpeted his lack of self-awareness saying, “Some people thought (the comment) was racist. I thought that was a joke since he was brought up, by the way, by a white mother, a white grandfather, went to white schools, and most of this he learned from white people.” Well Rudy, that’s mighty white of you to say. This sinks Rudy to the bottom of the extremist scum-bucket with Glenn Beck, who famously said on Republican National Television, “This president, I think, has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people or the white culture.” When did the GOP adopt the Ku Klux Klan’s playbook? And to think this fool ran for president until he was sliced and diced by Joe Biden who said Rudy only needed three things to make a sentence: “a noun, a verb, and 9/11.” Rudy recently made race-baiting comments concerning Ferguson, Missouri, and accused Obama of smearing the NYPD after the choke-hold murder of Eric Garner. And yet, the GOP still respects his judgment. Remember Bernie Kerick? He was the commissioner of the NYPD during the 9/11 attacks and was subsequently recommended by Giuliani to President Dubya as the head of the Department of Homeland Security. His nomination was withdrawn when it was discovered that he employed an illegal-immigrant nanny, took “escorts” for love trysts in an apartment overlooking Ground Zero ostensibly reserved for first responders, and lied under oath about how a civil servant making $30,000 a year could afford $255,000 in home renovations. This was Rudy’s right-hand man who, after a three-year stint in prison, is searching for a job as a counter-terrorism expert. Even conservative firebrand Darrell Issa said that Rudy never got the dust from 9/11 out of his lungs. More than one doctor publicly speculated that Rudy was showing early symptoms of Asperger’s Syndrome.

Which brings us to Governor Walker, the unlettered executive. Walker is so spineless, he may as well be a Democrat. When asked on CSNBC if he agreed with the former mayor’s malicious remarks, Walker said, “I’m not going to comment on what the president thinks or not … I tell you I love America. … I think we should talk about the ways in which we love this country.”

Answering a question from the Washington Post about the president’s faith, Walker said, “I don’t know,” if Obama is a Christian. “I’ve actually never talked about it or I haven’t read about that,” adding, “At the end of the day, God is in control.” A spokeswoman for the Governor immediately followed up with a press release emphasizing, “Of course the governor thinks the President is a Christian.”

Wasn’t there something in the Constitution about religious tests for public office? It doesn’t really matter. A recent Pew Poll found that 34 percent of Republicans believe the president is a Muslim. Scott Walker’s recent trip to London was a bust when he said he would “punt” on a question regarding evolution, sending the British press into spasms of laughter. Sooner or later, Walker will have to take a stand on something other than union busting or doing the bidding of his telephone pal, David Koch.

Now that Fox News has declared that “the Holy War is here,” and ISIS is burning captives alive, who cares about useless prattle over the president’s patriotism or whether he sufficiently loves America enough to suit the Tea Party. Giuliani has been accused by Republican operators of being a draft dodger with six separate deferments from the Vietnam War, yet he is a major critic of Obama’s foreign policy and a cheerleader for wars that involve other people’s children. Rudy recently publicly gushed with praise over Vladimir Putin’s decisive leadership. Governor Walker, after surviving a recall election, leaves the state of Wisconsin with a $283 million budget shortfall, due to the $541 million he doled out in tax cuts. He is a failed and delusional governor who thinks heavy Republican donors can elect him president.

Why do we continue to give these irrelevant hate-mongers a platform from which to spew their divisive garbage? In truth, its not the president, but the Republican Party that doesn’t love America. If they did, they wouldn’t have been sitting on their asses obstructing progress for six years while praying for America to fail.