Tag: Super Bowl

Categories
Letter From The Editor Opinion

We’re All in Kansas Now

I was struck last weekend by a Twitter thread from GOP presidential candidate Joe Walsh. Yes, there is a Republican seeking to challenge President Trump for his party’s nomination, but he’s tilting at windmills, since the GOP establishment has already eliminated primaries in many states in order to protect Trump’s incumbency.

Walsh reported that he walked a line of Trump supporters outside the president’s Iowa rally last week, trying to convince them to consider his candidacy. Here’s what he wrote:

“Plenty of Trump supporters were angry at me and many got in my face. But here’s what made me sad: I asked about 40 folks a very simple question: Has Donald Trump ever lied to the American people? Every single person said ‘No.’ Trump has never lied. Every single person gave me that answer. But that wasn’t all. A few people told me that Trump, unlike Obama, has never golfed. Nobody in line knew that Trump was increasing the debt way faster than Obama. Nobody knew that under Trump our deficit was now greater than $1 trillion. Nobody I asked could think of one single thing that Trump has done that has disappointed them. Nobody thought Trump did anything wrong with Ukraine.

“Almost everyone thought that China was paying for Trump’s tariffs. Nobody cared that Russia screwed with our 2016 election. On and on it went. I left sad and frustrated because all of these folks in line were being fed a sea of lies by Trump, Fox News, and the rest of Trump’s media sycophants. … They didn’t believe basic truths.”

Anyone so far down in the Foxhole that they don’t think Trump ever golfs is pretty much beyond saving. Facts truly don’t matter to them. Trump is perfect, godlike. It was Obama who golfed, not our magnificent president!

After the president’s much-mocked tweet congratulating “the Great State of Kansas” for the Kansas City Chiefs’ Super Bowl victory, the usual Fox pundits lined up to rally the troops. Maybe the snooty liberal coastal elites don’t realize there is a Kansas City, Kansas, they snickered. There are Chiefs fans in Kansas, too, they snorted. Silly snowflakes! Remember when Obama said there were 57 states?

Seriously, is it really that hard to just say the president goofed? Must he be utterly without fault, a flawless golden Superman? This level of intentional ignorance — and the amplifying of said ignorance by right-wing media — is terrifying.

If it makes you feel any better, none of this is new. There is a thread of know-nothing-ness that has woven itself through American history, usually driven by xenophobia and politicians who seek to exploit it. There was even a major political party that surfaced around the time of the Civil War that called itself the “Know Nothings.” I went down that Google wormhole so you wouldn’t have to:

“The Know Nothing party, formally known as the Native American Party and the American Party, was a far-right nativist political party and movement that operated nationwide in the mid-1850s. It was primarily an anti-Catholic, anti-immigration, and xenophobic movement, originally starting as a secret society. Adherents to the movement were to simply reply ‘I know nothing’ when asked about its specifics by outsiders.”

Shorter version: The Know Nothing party was anti-Catholic, anti-immigration, and sought to keep America white and protestant. Sound familiar? Same as it ever was.

But if you really want to get your mind blown, see if you can guess the author of the following:

“I am not a Know Nothing — that is certain. How could I be? How can anyone who abhors the oppression of negroes be in favor of degrading classes of white people? Our progress in degeneracy appears to me to be pretty rapid. As a nation, we began by declaring that ‘all men are created equal.’ We now practically read it as ‘all men are created equal, except negroes.’ When the Know Nothings get control, it will read ‘all men are created equal, except negroes and foreigners and Catholics.’ When it comes to that, I should prefer emigrating to some country where they make no pretense of loving liberty — to Russia, for instance, where despotism can be taken pure, and without the base alloy of hypocrisy.”

That was soon-to-be President Abraham Lincoln writing to a friend in 1855. Does history repeat itself? Nearly 165 years later, it would appear so. Let’s hope America survives this latest round of Know Nothings.

Categories
From My Seat Sports

Our Titans!(?)

Here we go, Titans, here we go! Right? Well … not so fast.

An NFL team representing Tennessee — the state in which Memphis has long lived — is one win away from playing in the Super Bowl. So naturally, those of us in the Bluff City will find a Derrick Henry jersey or at least some shade of blue when the Titans face the Kansas City Chiefs Sunday for the AFC championship. Or will we? The Titans call Nashville home, of course, however they choose to present “Tennessee” on team merchandise. Nashville and Memphis share a home in much the same way Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier once (actually three times) shared a boxing ring. So might red be the color of choice this Sunday, support leaning toward a team — the Kansas City Chiefs — a half-century removed from its last Super Bowl appearance?

Herewith, a case for Memphians to root against the Titans this weekend … and a case for full support of “Tennessee’s team.”

• Titans down!
If you’re old enough to remember the 1997 Tennessee Oilers, you’re as likely to wear a Patrick Mahomes jersey this weekend and pull for the Chiefs as you are to don Titans gear. Houston Oilers owner Bud Adams departed Texas for Tennessee after the 1996 season when taxpayers wouldn’t fund a new stadium for the franchise he founded in 1960, longtime tenants of the Astrodome. Trouble was, it would take a couple of years for Nashville to build that swanky new coliseum. So Adams convinced Memphis mayor Willie Herenton (among others) to let his team play two seasons in the Liberty Bowl. Memphis would pay for dinner but let someone else take its date home.

Those ’97 Oilers went 8-8 and featured a pair of rising stars in quarterback Steve McNair and running back Eddie George. But Memphis saw through the artificial wooing of Adams and didn’t even take a seat for that dinner. Tennessee drew the smallest crowds in the NFL that season, selling an average of 28,028 tickets for its eight home games. (The next-lowest total was the Atlanta Falcons: 46,928.) The most popular sports brand in America got a collective “who gives a s*^t” from Memphis. If “Tennessee’s team” wasn’t ours playing at the Mid-South Fairgrounds, you think they’re our team today? This is Cowboys country, Saints country. Hell, this is Falcons and Steelers country before Titans territory. The most famous player in Titans franchise history is Earl Campbell, and he never carried a football in the state of Tennessee.

• Titan up!
An informal survey of Memphians among my Twitter community yielded a lot of support for the Titans (“they’re not the Nashville Titans”), with skeptics interrupting (often with a mention of Adams, who died in 2013). There’s something to be said for regional support of a pro franchise. Six states claim the New England Patriots as their own, and those are merely the geographically connected. (Wouldn’t matter if they were the “Boston Patriots.” Maine loves the Red Sox. Vermont adores the Bruins.) The fact is, the Titans are the closest NFL team to Memphis (and this would be the case were we on the west side of the Mississippi River and called Arkansas home). Someone can wake up in Midtown on a Sunday morning, be seated for a noon kickoff in Nissan Stadium, and be home in time for 60 Minutes. (Yes, this person would need radar protection, but it could be done.)

The Titans have never won the Super Bowl. They are one of eight franchises that have played since the dawn of the Super Bowl era (1966) without winning a championship. These are underdogs, and what’s more Memphis than that? The team’s logo features the three stars representing each region of the Volunteer State, and symbolism matters, especially in sports. Finally, we need a team to pull for on Super Sunday. The nachos taste better, the commercials are funnier, and the halftime show goes by quicker. I’ll leave the final word to one of my Twitter pals, a man who understands the NFL landscape in 2020 better than most. Says Chuck Rogers (@ourpoppy), “Any team that beats the Patriots is worthy of my support.”

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant (January 29, 2015)

CREDIT: Jerry Coli | Dreamstime.com

The president just signed historic accords with India on climate legislation and nuclear trade, before making a pit stop to pay respects to the leaders of America’s gas station, Saudi Arabia.

Mitt Romney is considering a third run for president so the American people can finally get it right.

ISIS is on the move in Syria, and the government of Yemen just collapsed.

Bibi Netanyahu, also known as George W. Bush in wingtips, is campaigning for reelection as Israeli Prime Minister, only in front of the U.S. Congress — without prior knowledge or approval by the White House — as the guest of John Boehner.

In Iowa, Sarah Palin made an incomprehensible speech at Representative Steve King’s “Freedom Summit,” then told The Washington Post that she was “seriously interested,” in running for president.

And a crippling blizzard is headed for the east coast that New York Mayor Bill de Blasio warned may be “one of the largest snowstorms in the history of this city.” Memphis freaks out over three inches of snow. Try an expected three feet, which would set records from Philadelphia to Boston and affect nearly 30 million people. Take that Al Gore.

Jerry Coli | Dreamstime.com

Tom Brady New England Patriots

But screw all that: The NFL discovered that during their conference championship game, the New England Patriots used under-inflated footballs. I could write four paragraphs of balls jokes, but that’s far too easy. And since this has been the lead news story on every network for a week, I’ve heard every smarmy, double-entendre testicle reference in the history of broadcast news, from Rachel Maddow to Jimmy Fallon. I now know more about Bill Belichick than I ever intended.

I guess I’m as big a football fan as the next jerk, only I’m not emotionally invested in the outcome. I enjoy watching pro football because it’s a brutish and violent game played by mutants. If you asked me my favorite team, I guess it would be the Packers, because the citizen/stockholders of Green Bay actually own the team. If you ask me my least favorite team, it would be those with the loud-mouth owners who give high-fives in their luxury boxes while actually believing that what they say has any bearing on the game. Also, those owners that mix their personal, partisan politics with sport.

The NFL is just a billionaire’s playground where team owners play their own, exclusive version of fantasy football. It’s become an industry that has grown like kudzu around what was once a game. Since pro football is the American substitute for gladiatorial war, it has become the perfect vessel for carpet-bombing advertisements, and nothing does it better than the Super Bowl. Can I use that word without sending somebody a check?

Billions of dollars will be spent in and around the Super Bowl on product placement, branding, Hollywood-produced ads, entertainment galas, including the world’s biggest halftime show, and particularly sports betting. Only the outcome is pertinent. The game is secondary to the commerce. With record amounts of cash spent on commercials, the Super Bowl serves as the quasi-Black Friday for awards season.

The game will be played in Glendale, Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium. Of course, the University of Phoenix is a for-profit, online, kollege of knowledge with no actual campus, and thus has no football team to play in its stadium. Like good corporate citizens, they merely bought the naming rights and changed it from what was Cardinals Stadium. So, the Super Bowl played in the University of Phoenix Stadium is like a scam within a scam. Everybody gets paid. Except for the entertainers. The Wall Street Journal reported that the NFL approached Rihanna, Coldplay, and Katy Perry to play the halftime show, but asked the musicians to “contribute a portion of their post-Super Bowl tour income to the league,” or alternately, “make some other financial contribution,” in exchange for the halftime gig. Perry is this year’s special attraction. I sure hope she’s not paying those greedy bastards to play.

In summary, the Patriots are cheaters owned by Robert Kraft of Kraft Foods, whose net worth is around $4 billion, and who has a son who worked for Bain Capital in the ’80s. They have a coach with a shady reputation and a quarterback who’s married to a Brazilian supermodel, makes $40 million a year in salary and endorsements, is said to have a near-genius IQ, and “did not alter the ball in any way,” even though he admitted he preferred them slightly deflated in a previous interview. When asked if he was a cheater, Brady said, “I don’t believe so.”

They play the Seattle Seahawks, owned by low-key Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen, who also owns the NBA Trailblazers. According to SeatGeek, the average ticket price is going for $3,262. Wouldn’t it be ironic if the monster snowstorm headed for Boston caused widespread power outages on Super Sunday? I hope by then they will have finally stopped talking about “Deflategate.” The only thing I have to add to that conversation is that Tom Brady’s balls aren’t as big as he thought. The Santa Ana winds are doing biblical-like, wildfire damage in California, and there’s a measles outbreak in Disneyland. And I’ll take the Seahawks and the points.

Categories
Music Music Blog

Weekend Roundup Part Three

Jerry Lee Lewis

It’s time for another edition of the round up. Friday and Saturday provide lots of chances to rock before you become one with the couch on Super Bowl Sunday. 

FRIDAY JANUARY 30TH:
Hanna Star, 5:30 p.m. at Goner Records.

Weekend Roundup Part Three (6)

Will Sexton, 6:00 p.m. at Lafayette’s Music Room.

The Memphis Ukulele Band, 8:00 p.m. at Otherlands Coffee Bar, $7.00.

Mighty Souls Brass Band, 8:00 p.m. at The Cove.

Backup Planet, CBDB, 9:00 p.m. at the Young Avenue Deli, $5.00.

Youth Pastor Jason, Gopes Busters, Taylor Loftin, Rickie and Annie, 9:00 p.m. at the Lamplighter Lounge.

Taylor Loftin – Welcome Young Champions (Official Music Video) from Taylor Loftin on Vimeo.

Weekend Roundup Part Three

Motel Mirrors, 10:00 p.m. at Lafayette’s Music Room.

Weekend Roundup Part Three (2)


SATURDAY, JANUARY 31ST.
The River Bluff Clan, 11:00 a.m. at Lafayette’s Music Room.

Jerry Lee Lewis, 8:00 p.m. at Sam’s Town Tunica, $40.00.

Manateees, Overnight Lows, Nowhere Squares, 9:00 p.m. at the Hi-Tone Small Room, $5.00.

Weekend Roundup Part Three (3)

Switchblade Kid, Bruiser Queen, The Leave Me Be’s, Brother Lee and the Leather Jackals, 9:00 p.m. at the Buccaneer Lounge, $5.00.

Weekend Roundup Part Three (4)

Buck Wilders and the Hook-Up, 10:00 p.m. at Bar DKDC.

John Nemeth, 10:00 p.m. at Lafayette’s Music Room.

SUNDAY FEBRUARY 1ST: 
The Joe Restivo Four, 11:00 a.m. at Lafayette’s Music Room.

John Paul Keith, 9:00 p.m. at The Buccaneer, $5.00.

Super Bowl XLIX, 7:00 p.m. on NBC.

Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle – 1985 from ASU Alumni Association on Vimeo.

Weekend Roundup Part Three (5)

Categories
Food & Wine Food & Drink

Vegging out at the Super Bowl.

CREDIT: Justin Fox Burks

The Super Bowl is coming up, and while I don’t give a hoot about who wins or loses, I do care deeply about the game. Is it the commercials? No! Could it possibly be the half-time show? Nope! It’s the food, of course!

And though I don’t have a dog in the fight, I came up with recipes that replace the hotdog and sausage with whole, fresh vegetables. Go ahead and give these recipes a shot. They are so easy, and it’ll give y’all something to talk about if the game gets boring.

Charred Carrot Hotdogs

6 very large carrots*

1 teaspoon toasted sesame oil

Kosher salt and cracked black pepper (to taste)

6 whole wheat or gluten-free hot dog buns

Vegetarian chili, cheddar cheese, chopped white onion, sauerkraut, pickles,

ketchup, spicy mustard (to serve)

Over a high flame on your outdoor grill’s side burner or under your oven’s broiler, char the carrots until they are deeply blackened all over. This will take roughly 20 minutes if you turn the carrots 1/4 turn every 5 minutes. Once they are sufficiently blackened, remove them and wrap them tightly in aluminum foil. Allow the charred carrots to rest for 15 minutes. They will finish cooking through during that time, and the smoke flavor will infuse throughout.

If they are cool enough to handle, pull the char off of each carrot just like you would for a roasted red pepper. Drizzle the carrots with sesame oil and add salt and pepper to taste. Feel free to warm them up on the grill if you’d like; serve them on a bun with your favorite toppings. (Serves 4-6.)

*Look for the carrots that are about as big around as a half-dollar and have very little taper to them. The biggest carrots you can find are what’s going to work best here. They shrink slightly during the cooking process, and then you pull off the charred part, so they will be smaller once it comes time to eat.

Justin Fox Burks

Mushroom-Stuffed Mushrooms

Mushroom-Stuffed Mushrooms

2 tablespoons olive oil (divided)

1/4 cup finely chopped shallot

3 cloves garlic (finely chopped)

8 ounces portobello or other mushrooms (finely chopped)

1 cup finely chopped celery (about 2 ribs)

1/2 cup finely chopped carrot (1 medium)

1 1/2 teaspoon rubbed sage

1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes

1/8 teaspoon clove

1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

1 tablespoon soy sauce (like Bragg’s)

1 tablespoon maple syrup

1 tablespoon spicy mustard (like Zatarain’s)

Kosher salt and cracked black pepper (to taste)

1 cup uncooked quick-cooking oats 

12 to 15 large crimini or button mushroom caps

1/2 cup shredded cheddar cheese (or vegan shreds)

1/4 cup sliced green onions

Use your food processor to make short work of all of the chopping. Just roughly chop shallot, garlic, mushrooms, celery, and carrots, and process them in batches by pulsing the blade until finely chopped.

Heat one tablespoon of the oil in a large 12-inch frying pan over high heat. Add the chopped shallot, garlic, mushrooms, celery, and carrot to the pan. Stir consistently and sauté until all of the liquid has released and then evaporated; this should take about 5 minutes. Add the sage, red pepper flakes, clove, nutmeg, soy sauce, and maple syrup to the pan. Stir to incorporate and remove from heat. Add the uncooked quick-cooking oats and stir the mixture until everything is well incorporated. Add salt and pepper to taste. Cover and set aside in the fridge for at least 15 minutes to allow the moisture to distribute.

Preheat your over to 350 degrees. Pull the stem out of each mushroom cap and save for another use. Place mushrooms gill-side-up in a large casserole dish. Drizzle the caps with the remaining olive oil, and season caps with a little salt and pepper. Using your hands, mound as much filling into each cap as you can. Gently press it in so that it fills all of the air pockets. Repeat until all filling is used.

Cover casserole dish tightly with foil and bake for 30 minutes. Remove the foil, top each with cheddar and bake another 3 minutes or until cheese is melted. Top with sliced green onions and serve. These can be served warm or at room temperature.

Categories
Sports

Super Bowl Warriors and The Price of Pain

Dr. Terry Canale

  • Dr. Terry Canale

The players that take the field for the New York Giants and New England Patriots in the Super Bowl today are the survivors, not only of the 16-game regular season and the Playoffs but the risk of season-ending or career-ending injuries that sidelined so many of their teammates.

Tory Epps

  • Tory Epps

Dr. Terry Canale, an orthopedic surgeon at Campbell Clinic in Memphis and former team physician for the University of Memphis football team, marvels at that. The players are 100 pounds heavier and so much faster and stronger than when he played college football 50 years ago. All of the offensive linemen and most of the defensive linemen weigh more than 300 pounds. I asked Canale how that looks from his perspective. Last year, his cousins, Whit and Justin Canale, both former pro football players, died within a few weeks of each other.

“As a surgeon, I saw Justin five times, and finally took his kneecap out. He probably had diabetes too. Whit I only saw a couple of times. He got his knee wiped out playing for the Detroit Lions. He was never the same either. Those guys loved to play sports even after pro football. When they couldn’t play they started putting on weight. I have thought over the years about football players like that. If they don’t keep working out and keep lifting they just turn to fat. We see that over and over. When their career is over they don’t have much.

“What are you gonna do in life when you get through? Nobody needs a pass blocker at 40. The worst injury is early neck arthritis. Studies show almost every lineman has significant traumatic arthritis of the neck vertebra at an early age. (UM trainer) Eddie Cantler and I looked up the injury rate among football players and got it published. Nobody wanted to talk about it much The probability of major injury was 111 percent if you played four years of college football.”

He remembers a Memphis lineman named Tory Epps who went on to play pro ball.

“We were playing down at Mississippi State and he said,’doc, my hand is numb.’ At the end of the game he said his hand was paralyzed. I started feeling for a pulse and could not feel it in the hand. I told the coach I had to get this guy to Memphis, I think it’s an emergency. I took him in my own car. About 20 miles out I told the ICU to get everything set. Epps flipped a clot down into his arm and was getting ready to lose his hand. It resolved and turned out OK, but the hematologist told him his football career was over. Epps said ‘if I don’t play pro football I’m gonna be pumping gas or something.”

Epps played middle guard in the NFL. He died at the age of 38 from a blood clot.

“The hot stuff now is concussions, like they’re talking about. No pro or college athlete wants you to know they have been injured. And their agent will tell them, ‘hey, cool it. If you get traded to another team tell them you are fine or else your stock goes down.’ It’s like buying a horse with a bad leg. It trickles down to college. The only difference in the pros is the agent. If the agent is worth a nickel, he will shovel you to (surgeon) Jimmy Andrews in Birmingham or the Kerlan-Jobe Clinic in Los Angeles.

“Andrews and I are on the same orthopedic foundation. He saw Drew Brees. He asked Brees if he would back the foundation with endorsements and interviews. Brees said, ‘yeah I was playing for New Orleans and my career was over. Andrews operated on me. I got well, led the Saints to the Super Bowl, and turned the city around after Katrina. So we owe it all to Dr. Andrews.’

“In my day as a player it wasn’t that big a deal. We just knew some guys were not gonna play. They were not interviewed by newspapers or anything like that. I wouldn’t say we hid injuries but we did our best to get them out on the field with cortisone or long-lasting analgesic so they could play the game without pain. That doesn’t happen now. Agents won’t let you touch ’em. That is their meal ticket.”

Categories
Opinion Viewpoint

I’m Not Snickering

The super bomb of the Super Bowl was the blatantly homophobic Snickers ad that aired in the first quarter of the game. It began with two homely male mechanics fixing a car while under the hood. One plucks a Snickers bar out of his pocket and starts to devour it while his friend longingly watches. Unable to constrain himself, the friend chomps on the other side of the bar until the two meet in the middle of the candy bar and inadvertently kiss.

One of the revolted mechanics acknowledges that a same-sex smooch has occurred, which touches off a histrionic horrorfest.

“Quick, do something manly,” exclaims one of the buffoons. Without hesitation, they undo their shirts and rip a large patch of hair off their chests, while screaming in proper repentance for their sins.

This retrograde 30-second clip shows that Mars, Inc. executives are living on another planet and that there are more nuts in their boardroom than in the candy bar. The vile ad was a low blow that went for a cheap laugh at the expense of a minority. The candy company should immediately apologize or at least pull the offending ad before it infects more minds with mindless stereotypes.

How in God’s name did the suits at Mars find this crass garbage suitable for public consumption? In front of millions of people, including vulnerable gay youth, the company sent the divisive message that gay people are unmanly. It takes a lot to offend me, and I realize laughter helps break down barriers and can lead to real dialogue. The problem here is that people were laughing at us, not with us. In terms of raw obscenity, this was a Janet Jackson moment for the GLBT community that should provoke shock and outrage. It is not 1978. This is 2007, and such potty-humored portrayals are out of bounds. (To see a comprehensive history of gay ads, visit CommercialCloset.com.)

Last week, Senator Joseph Biden subverted his long-shot presidential bid when he clumsily referred to Senator Barack Obama as “clean” and “articulate.” On Sunday, an article in The New York Times discussed how African Americans are rightfully annoyed when white people act surprised when they are eloquent speakers and refer to them as “articulate.”

“How many flukes simply constitute reality?” asked Reginald Hudlin, president of entertainment for Black Entertainment Television.

As a gay man who was formerly a second-team all-city basketball player, I am equally annoyed at blanket portrayals of homosexuality as unmanly. We have seen many brave gay service-members die in America’s wars. We have witnessed examples of tough professional athletes, such as baseball player Billy Bean and NFL lineman Esera Tuaolo. We have honored heroes like Mark Bingham, who helped keep terrorists from slamming hijacked Flight 93 into the nation’s capital. To paraphrase Hudlin, how many flukes will it take before GLBT people are recognized for their bravery and, yes, manliness.

Even braver, of course, are effeminate gay men, masculine lesbians, and transgender Americans who have the courage to step each day into a hostile world created by such ads.  The problem is, the typecasts portrayed by our culture have made life very difficult for those who do not fit into societal “norms.”

Finally, aren’t straight men tired of having their masculinity tied to moronic behavior? Do they really want to be seen as brawny, brainless, backwoods bumpkins? The message sent by companies who make degrading ads, like Mars, Inc., is that to be tough, one has to be a troglodyte. In one broad brushstroke, Mars managed to insult gay people for not being macho, while painting masculinity as a quite undesirable trait.

Mars should go back to producing cavities in teeth rather than ads that produce brain rot that dehumanizes GLBT people and portrays straight men as a step below chimpanzees. If Snickers really satisfies, as their ads claim, they will take this disgraceful dung off the air and discard it like a used candy wrapper.

Wayne Besen writes the syndicated column “Anything But Straight.”

Categories
News The Fly-By

Fly on the Wall

Tidy Bowl Sunday

According to an urgent-sounding press release from Mr. Rooter of Memphis, your Super Bowl party could turn into a “Toilet Bowl disaster” if you don’t “tackle some plumbing precautions before kick-off.” Mr. Rooter’s expert flush-ologists have provided a handy-dandy checklist to ensure that your Super Bowl shindig is positively dumperiffic:

• Stock bathroom with single-ply toilet paper.

• Remove small objects from the top of the toilet tank that could fall in, causing it to clog.

• If your team loses, resist the urge to flush your favorite team shirt or cap down the toilet.

Sadly, all of this excellent potty protocol will be completely lost on anyone who’s just washed down a pound of chili cheese nachos with a gallon or two of cheap beer.

President Junior?

Last Week on Hardball, Chris Matthews asked former Tennessee congressman Harold Ford Jr., who was recently tapped to head the Democratic Leadership Council, if the once-powerful DLC still has what it takes to make a dark-horse candidate such as former Arkansas governor Bill Clinton the Democrat’s nominee for POTUS. Not surprisingly, Ford took this as a question about his own presidential aspirations.

“My interests and ambitions are less than that right now,” he answered.

The Pizza Effect

According to chaos theory, patterns

found in the microscopic universe should also be reflected in larger and larger systems. The Fly-Team’s senior chaos experts recently added to the body of evidence by isolating and studying a batch of coupons issued by Little Caesar’s pizza, which, like Big Caesar, expire on the Ides of March.

Irony! Irony!