Tag: Tim Sampson

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant

I am going to file a complaint against myself. I’m not

sure how or why or to whom, but I’m going to file one. For some

reason, Sarah “Betchabygollywow” Palin has done this in her home state of Alaska and it’s working fairly well so far at keeping her from having to answer questions in the investigation she is trying to stall

into whether or not she abused her power as governor when she fired public safety commissioner Walt Monegan for not firing her sister’s ex-husband, Alaska state trooper Mike Wooten.

I’ll admit I don’t really understand it completely. Apparently, it has something to do with a legislative investigation versus a state personnel board investigation, and now it appears that Palin might have tampered with her ex-brother-in-law’s worker’s compensation (which was denied after he was in an accident while on duty and hurt his back). A Freedom of Information Act request from the legislative investigators for e-mails from Palin’s personal Yahoo account (which she apparently misused to conduct state business, thereby keeping her actions secret, or so she hoped) was met with an answer from her office: something to the tune of yes, we’ll turn over the e-mails, but it’s going to cost you $88,000 for the paper documents.

Hmmm. What are they using in their printer? Hand-crafted parchment made from near-extinct sheep? Probably. Any action to endanger living things seems to be fine with the Palins. Look at their house. There are more heads on the walls than a wig warehouse. I wonder if they used the same taxidermist for all those animals as they used to stuff John McCain. He looks so lifelike, until he opens his mouth. It’s then obvious that he is really dead and there’s a tape machine installed in him that channels Ronald Reagan.

But I digress and fall into smear tactics. We wouldn’t want that to happen now, would we? I think it’s great that Sarah Pail is trying to deflect her ailin’ and flailin’ about her probably illegal e-mailin’ by assailin’ Barack Obama about something that happened when he was 8 years old and studying reading, writing, and arithmetic without failin’, which I guess is why he is now “elite,” instead of dumbed down like Palin. And the way she prides herself on this knowledge of his “terrorist ties” by reading about it in “my copy of The New York Times” as a way of trying to rebound from her idiotic remark to Katie Couric that reflected the fact that she doesn’t read newspapers is priceless. It’s so contrived and desperate and humiliating, it’s almost charming in a very, very weird way.

But then, everything about her is weird. Just before sitting down to write this, I watched her give a speech in Clearwater, Florida, which has my brain so scrambled that I might be making much less sense here than even Palin does when she non-answers a question. I was not really paying attention to her or what she was saying because I just can’t listen to that voice (I mean, I’m not making fun here; I really can’t hear it without scouring around searching for pills of some sort), but I was mesmerized by her crowd of supporters. If there was one black person in that entire crowd of people, he or she was hiding and doing a great job of it. I mean it. See if any of it is on YouTube yet. Or see if any of her speeches are on there and see if there is one black person anywhere in sight. Do we really want another Great White Hope for any reason in the United States in this century? Of course, it may be that she has very few African-American supporters. Imagine that. Oh. Wait. I forgot. Race is not an issue in this election. Please excuse me. I’d best file an ethics complaint against myself to keep from having to answer any gosh darn questions about that one, ya know? But that is going to take some more research into the trailer-park saga of Sarah Palin’s attack on her ex-brother-in-law. Unless, of course, all of that comes out when her aides and her husband stop breaking the law this week and abide by the subpoenas that were issued to them to comply by answering questions in the investigation. It could be an interesting showdown, but then again, it could have the same outcome as all of the investigations into the administration of their buddy, George W. Bush: more of the same old game of getting away with anything they want. I just hope no polar bears or wolves get killed in the process.

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant

CREDIT: Thierry Le Goues

I don’t know if there is anything to be said or

written now about Memphis’ much-loved Isaac Hayes that

hasn’t already been said in the week since his passing, but I feel obligated

to try. And what I want to do is thank the members of Topeka’s Westboro Baptist “Church” from

Topeka, Kansas, for standing out on Walnut Grove Road waving “God Hates Isaac Hayes” signs Monday, just a few blocks from Hope Presbyterian Church, where Isaac’s memorial service was held. Yes, I want to thank them. But don’t throw this paper down in disgust until you read further. As many of you probably know, the “people” from Westboro have a long and controversial history of protesting in this manner at various events. They are especially known for doing this at the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers, their “reason” being that the United States government is too lenient about homosexuality. But regarding Isaac, their protest was — according to their godhatesfags.com official website — because Isaac misused his musical talent for promoting sexual promiscuity instead of praising the word of God. The reason I want to thank them is that they are great teachers, despite the fact they don’t have a clue that they are and the fact that they don’t really even know how to garner publicity for themselves (unless they are garnering it here, and if so, I apologize). They are great teachers because they inform the world around them that hate, bigotry, and intolerance are the traits of the absolutely most asinine members of the lunatic fringe. Think about it for a moment or two. Say someone with an I.Q. higher than a tube of Chap Stick has one little inkling of bigotry in his or her being and just happens to witness this “God hates …” protest. After seeing this and recoiling in horror at the stupidity of it, I would hope that the person then begins to do a little self-examination to see if he has anything at all in common with those idiots. If so, I would hope that he realizes that having any atom in his body that resembles these people is a major, major problem that needs to be addressed. I’m thinking especially of the people who claim to be non-racist and tolerant and liberal and forward-thinking, but who also have the slightest little part of themselves that thinks black people are just a bit less deserving of good things than they are; that gays are just a tiny bit less deserving of equal rights than the rest of society; that Muslims are all terrorists at heart and are therefore dangerous; that poor people are poor because they are lazy; that drug addicts are drug addicts because they are weak human beings with no morals; that homeless people are homeless because they just don’t want to work. Think about it again for a moment. And think about it hard and try to be as honest with yourself as you can possibly be. If you find that you do have some little part of yourself that feels that way and you aren’t doing anything to try to change it, you might take a closer look at the Westboro folks carrying signs that read “God Hates Fags” and “God Hates Isaac Hayes.” I know I’m on a soapbox, and I apologize if I am boring you. So back to Isaac Hayes and not being able to write or say anything else about him that hasn’t already been said or written, I just want to convey this little story: Some months back, in the winter, Isaac was at the Stax Museum (where I work) for a magazine photo shoot and we were on a tight deadline because the photographer wanted to get the shot at just the right time. We have two schools adjacent to the museum: the Stax Music Academy and the Soulsville Charter School. I had instructed the schools to tell the kids not to rush over and surround Isaac and ask for autographs as they usually did, because our schedule was so tight. So all the kids hung back and pretended not to pay attention to him. Isaac kept looking over at them and then looking back at me and it finally hit me: He was a little upset. I told him, “Isaac, the reason the kids are not running over here to see you is because I asked them not to because of the timing of the shoot.” He chuckled with that deep voice and sighed in relief and said, “Man, I’m glad you told me that. I was worried!” That was Isaac. He never talked about his fame, his accomplishments, or anything like that. He just wanted to be nice to the kids. He loved them and they loved him. And that is an Isaac for whom I really doubt God or anyone else has anything close to a feeling of hate.

Categories
Letters To The Editor Opinion

Letters to the Editor

Zoo Kudos

I want to thank the Flyer for the well-presented story you published (“Out of the Woods,” August 14th issue) about the forest in Overton Park. I appreciate the opportunity that you gave the zoo to share its position with your readers. There is a great deal of passion over this forest, and I hope that we can keep your readers informed about the intended Chickasaw Bluffs trail as the vision becomes fleshed out.

Brian Carter, Director of Marketing and Communications

Memphis Zoo

Dumbasses

I was saddened to read last week’s letter from editor Bruce VanWyngarden, a typical criticism of low-information voters (Letter from the Editor, August 14th issue).

Being a truly informed voter is a full-time job, but even then, the discerning voter who watches C-SPAN, reads newspapers, and knows the pundits and politicians doesn’t have all he needs. Instead, the rational voter uses heuristics — shortcuts that simplify the field.

Party affiliation mirrors one’s views on the issues. A candidate’s moral conviction hints as to how he will act at 3 a.m. A “dumbass” voter (as he put it) can also look to friends and religious leaders who share his values. Issue voting is not the only path to an intelligent vote.

As a self-proclaimed smartass, I see truth in slogans such as “He’ll raise your taxes,” “We can’t cut and run,” or “the audacity of hope.” McCain is right to ask if Obama is more than media hype.

Nikki Tinker’s ad was not shameful because it appealed to our demons. It was shameful because it was a lie. It sought to disparage a public servant’s distinguished record. Steve Cohen won because he stood on that record and let voters decide themselves.

The problem is that Watergate and Monica and Iraq have cost us more than our faith in politicians; they have destroyed our faith in each other. This country, like VanWyngarden’s letter, is bitter and skeptical. We should recognize the common man’s awesome capacity for good. Just because others vote differently or on different criteria does not make them dumb.

Drew Dickso

Memphis

I found tremendous irony in last week’s editor’s note. I agree with Bruce VanWyngarden in his assessment of Nikki Tinker’s outrageous ads (not to mention Walter Bailey lowering himself to the bottom of the barrel). However, to say that most Memphians are above the “dumbass” line is a blatant untruth.

Think about the other city and state officials who’ve been elected over the past 20 years. Explain to me how the pompous and mighty Willie Herenton continues to get reelected by the same “low-information voters” time and time again. And Rickey Peete? This guy gets caught accepting bribes, gets out of prison, gets reelected, and goes corrupt again. Need I mention John Ford, that great humanitarian and bribe-accepting king?

I could continue, but with all the corruption that has taken place over the past few years, this letter would take days to complete. In the meantime, my suggestion to Memphians would be to take your head out of the sand and do a real background check on candidates. That way, you may be able to climb out of the “dumbass” pool.

Jeff W. Compton

Memphis

Color blind?

In a recent “Rant” (August 7th issue), Tim Sampson said there would be voters who vote against Barack Obama because of his color, which is ugly but true. There are also people who will vote for Obama because of his color, which is just as ugly and just as true.

Charles Ballew

Marion, Arkansas

Georgia vs. Katrina

Recently, I watched a video of Americans off-loading relief supplies to Georgia. I found myself offended by this act of charity.

Why? Because the Bush administration sent these supplies before the smoke could clear over the rooftops, while our own citizens, trapped in floodwaters after Hurricane Katrina, couldn’t get the government to drop off a case of bottled water.

We all watched the suffering of our fellow Americans on TV. These were desperate people begging the government to help for a week. Yet, let the poor Georgians suffer 10 minutes of stress, and Bush sends every unit available to help.

That ain’t right, folks. It is truly offensive, even if there are good intentions behind it.

Joe M. Spitzer

Memphis

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant

I just found what could be the best website I’ve

ever seen. Well, the second best. My favorite is freedomswatch.org.

It’s one of those ultraconservative sites that constantly posts press releases and blog comments about how the liberals in the United States are all ax murderers and how Barack Obama is trying to

win the presidency so he can bring Iranian governmental practices with him to the White House. I’ve even signed up to receive notices from the site. Of course, I don’t think they realize that the name I gave them — Phil McCrackin — is not my real name. (I guess you do have to read it fairly carefully.) But I love it when they send me notes that begin with “Dear Phil McCrackin.” I always want to reply with “Oh, dear, someone needs to fill your crack in.” But I never do because I don’t want to blow my cover. No, this new site I’ve found is newsbusters.org and it’s pretty great. It’s mainly focusing now on all of the ways the Republicans are trying to lower the price of gas, although there’s never been a mention of taking on the very oil companies that are ripping us off. There’s lots and lots of news on there about Obama trying to bring “race” into the campaign. I may be stupid but, uh, how can race not be an issue when we have a black man running for office for the first time in the country’s history and there are going to be thousands of people not voting for him simply because of his race? Yeah, it’s ugly, but it’s true. The site is currently bound and determined to prove that John Edwards fathered a baby recently with a woman other than his wife. They don’t mention anything about John McCain screwing around with other women while married to his first wife and actually leaving her (once she was injured badly in a car wreck but wouldn’t let anyone let him know while he was a P.O.W. so as not to worry him) for Cindy, the wife to whom he is married now. Why is it that McCain can have a mistress and leave his wife for her and none of the conservatives out there seem to think a thing about it? Or maybe they do and I’m just not paying attention, which I really don’t do that much anymore — to any of this political crap. Hey, you conservative evangelical peeps out there: Do you care that John McCain was cheating on his wife and left her to marry his mistress? I really want to know. Write a letter to the editor and explain that one for me. Address it to Phil McCrackin! But back to newsbusters.org. It’s not just the news on the site that is entertaining. They have perhaps the best political T-shirt selection I have ever seen. They have a T-shirt bearing an image of Ann Coulter with a quote from her about 9/11 and how we should invade all Muslim countries, kill their leaders, and convert them all to Christianity. It’s pretty awesome. Not quite as awesome, however, as the T-shirt reading “I’D RATHER BE WATERBOARDING.” Now, I think it would be very difficult to top that and I might just get one to wear to the next gun show that comes to Memphis. Oh, they have some good gun-themed shirts too. One has an illustration of about 20 different kinds of guns under which are big letters that read “CELEBRATE DIVERSITY.” It’s a real gem. One of my favorites on the site is the “99 PERCENT OF ALL DEMOCRATS GIVE THE REST OF THEM A BAD NAME” T-shirt. They even have T-shirts for babies (“HELP. TED KENNEDY DRIVES ME TO DAYCARE”) and T-shirts for dogs (“I BITE LIBERALS”). I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before they have shirts with images of Obama and Paris Hilton saying “WE’RE FAMOUS!” At any rate, I am glad I ran across the site and I hope you will visit it soon. If you’re feeling down, you will always know there is someone else out there who has it worse!

Categories
Opinion The Last Word

The Rant

Here’s the thing about our friend Tim Sampson, who fills this space most weeks: He knows what he’s talking about. He reads all about the politicians, forms detailed opinions, then writes his columns secure in the knowledge that he is well informed. You’d think that’s a good thing, but the problem is so many of the rest of us are completely uninformed and therefore don’t fully understand what he’s talking about. Although I have figured out that he stays pretty pissed off.

Yes, I am one of the deliberately unaware. There may have been a time when the whole politics thing seemed groovy to me and I kept up to date, but those days ended sometime around President Clinton’s Hummer-Gate. All of those old white guys getting squeamish while trying to make political hay made me find other ways to keep entertained. I’ve been very busy deciphering the instructions to my new cappuccino-maker. Hours of my life have been filled laboring to teach my cats tricks. This is important work, people.

Still, I try to read Tim’s column because he’s an old friend. In fact, the dissolute misanthrope was once my boss. (Wrap your head around what that was like.) Now, I open the Flyer and wade my way through his screed, often baffled at who the players are and what their agenda may be. Tim knows his local politics, and there, I’ve got nothing. There are a whole lot of Fords, and they seem to get folks awfully riled up, but I don’t like getting riled up. We’ve had the same mayor for a really long time, and whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing isn’t for me to say.

On the national front, as far as I can determine, the Republicans are apparently going to run Fred Thompson, Rudolph Giuliani, or the Mormon guy who doesn’t want to always be referred to as the Mormon guy. I understand his wishes on this, but the only name I have for him is the Mormon guy. I will give him this: He has majestic hair. If we elected presidents solely on their sartorial splendor, he’d already be measuring for drapes. Or one of his wives would be. (It’s a joke, son.)

Giuliani seems pretty cool to me. What I love is that at one point while he was mayor of New York City, he was living in the mayor’s residence with both his soon-to-be ex-wife and his mistress. That’s not bad for a squirrelly guy with a bad comb-over.

I’ve met Fred Thompson, and he was very actorly. When you meet someone who is actorly, you know it. They’re very well spoken, have a practiced conspiratorial wink, and know how to wear makeup. Unfortunately, I can’t shake the fact that I know lot of actors and they’re, um, not that smart. They can memorize words really, really well, but you don’t want one doing your taxes.

On the Democrat side, they seem destined to run Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, or Barack Obama. There’s also that crazy little elf, Dennis Kucinich, but this country will never elect a President Dennis. Damn it.

John Edwards seems like a genuinely nice guy, but it’s hard to get past the whole fighting for the poor while having a house the size of an airport thing. Obama is a very charismatic guy. The few times I’ve seen him on TV, he’s come across as totally prepared to be president. You know who also seems totally prepared to be president? Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. Yeah, that’s not going to happen either.

Hillary. If you noticed that I saved her for last, it’s mainly because I’m afraid of her. We can quibble about whether her eight years of icily smiling at her husband while she was first lady qualifies as “experience” or whether it even makes sense that she’s a senator from a state she had never lived in before, but the truth is, most every American is scared of the woman. I don’t mean that we fear that she’ll do something crazy as president. I mean we’re afraid that if she got angry at one of us, she would personally kick our ass.

Between now and whenever we’re supposed to vote — which I think is probably sometime next fall — I’ll do some actual research. Or I’ll just keep reading Tim’s column. And do the exact opposite of whatever that lunatic advises. Like I said, I know the guy.

Dennis Phillippi is a Memphis writer, comedian, and radio host.