Are we all about cauliflower now? Because I thought we were still doing avocados? Or is there a shortage? I know almonds are out because they treat the earth like a frat boy treats a public bathroom, but are we still doing nuts and seeds at all?
I know we’re about “bombs” right now. All those sped-up recipe videos on my Facebook feed are for cheesy garlic lasagna bombs, cheesy meatball garlic bombs, and deep-fried cheesy garlic chicken broccoli Crock-Pot bacon bombs. Is that a reflection of the current political climate?
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Pink champagne cupcakes are apparently the new macarons. Or maybe the new cronut. Is that because we have a gazillionaire in the White House? Will cotton balls dipped in fruit juice be the next mini-tacos to celebrate a former model as First Lady? Will we bring back chicken Kiev to celebrate our Russian comrades?
So many questions I have about food right now. Like how many recipes for Crock-Pot roast made with peperoncini and Ranch dressing mix do you really need? And when did we start wrapping everything in pizza dough or refrigerated rolls? I mean, I love a stuffed whomp biscuit as much as the next girl, but salted caramel chocolate cake stuffed in crescent rolls and deep fried is a bit much. Who am I kidding? I’d eat the ass outta that low-flying duck.
But about this cauliflower thing. You’re supposed to make pizza crust out of it because it’s healthy. I don’t think anyone would argue cauliflower is healthy. Anything that tastes like a packing peanut is going to be healthy, but by the time you crumble the cauliflower, mix it with cheese, top it with sauce, more cheese, pepperoni, and sausage, I don’t think you get to call it healthy anymore.
My best healthy eating hack has to do with portion control. Simply scoop out the food that falls into your bra for quick midday snacks. I also highly advocate what I like to call the “Sanctadiet.” I can’t say enough about how telling all your friends you don’t eat rice due to unethical harvesting practices, or that you’re not eating GMO foods because your yoga friend told you GMOs caused perimenopausal women’s bones to turn to the consistency of cornmeal will totally change your life and the lives of those who have to listen to you. The Sanctadiet starts working the minute you feel a sense of superiority because you had a spinach smoothie for breakfast when you know Karen had granola loaded with sugar, because she told you over double soy latte caramel half-caff grandes.
It’s really important when starting a Sanctadiet that you tell all your friends. I mean, you don’t want to, like, preach. They know what’s best for their bodies, even though you know that chemicals will literally kill you. So when Pam says she ate half an extra-large Meatzilla stuffed-crust pizza last night, it’s important to tell her that you respect her decision (even though all that salt, sodium, preservatives, and salt will make you bloated and sluggish and unable to stay awake through your mindfulness sessions), and that you totally admire the way she can stay functional with all those chemicals running around her system. It’s not your thing, sure, but you totally understand a cheat day. And when she says she was starving because she’d just run 14 miles for a charity event, make sure you tell her you admire her for running, when it’s so horrible for your knees.
The Sanctadiet doesn’t work if your adrenaline doesn’t get going while waiting for her to shut her piehole so you can tell her what Dr. Oz says about chia seeds. Also, you get to tell her about how your college roommate posted that thing about how there are a ton of charities that are totally bogus, but you’re sure she’s totally vetted that one to make sure that a celebrity endorses it so you know it’s legit — even though charity begins at home and that charity she did the run for was to raise money to treat kids who lost limbs in bomb attacks in Syria. But whatever! What’s best for me isn’t always best for you, Pam!
I have found that we can wipe out the damage unhealthy eating does to us as long as we put the picture of the unhealthy food on Instagram and use a ton of hashtags. Posting a heavily filtered picture of your triple-decker cheeseburger (that you totally bought as a joke) with a string of hashtags — such as: #tripledecker #gonnadothis #cantbelieveiorderedthis #getinmybelly #blessed — lets your followers know that you’re in on the joke, and, honestly, that burns calories. Eating trans fats ironically doesn’t count as an unhealthy habit.
I’m trying to add more green stuff to my diet, because I honestly love green stuff. But washing vegetables is hard work, y’all! #thestruggleisreal
Susan Wilson also writes for yeahandanotherthing.com and likethedew.com. She and her husband, Chuck, have lived here long enough to know that Midtown does not start at Highland.
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