From the Right

By Davis Christopher

Best advice to the GOP: Don’t lose the white vote.

It’s been widely noted by a distinguished roster of clear-eyed bipartisans that Democrats have one principle weakness: a piss-poor excuse for a party so economically, ideologically, metaphysically, sexually, and ethnically diverse they can never present a unified front. Like a leaky liberal lifeboat adrift on swelling conservative seas, the storm-tossed Dems are nothing more than a loose confederation of disagreeable misfits who hate freedom, fetuses, and the natural state of motherhood. Common interests in faggotry, flag-burning, and mocking God’s faithful are all that holds them together.

But Republicans shouldn’t believe for one second that their treasonous adversaries will do the morally right thing by rolling over and expiring. Oh no. Though morally bankrupt and spiritually beyond the brink of salvation, they are deceptively book-smart, wily, and capable of striking at the very heart of this magnificent Party so Grand and Old. That’s right, patriots: the donkey-boys want to put whitey back in their corral.

Democratic hatemeister Howard Dean once said that his party — the official party of black folks and baby-killers — needed to reach out to poor, rural rednecks with Confederate flags on their truck bumpers and license plates that say “Forget, Hell.” Dean’s shocking comment invited ridicule from all sides and damaged the poor man’s reputation so badly that most Republican trend-watchers quickly forgot Dean’s tragic misfire was originally aimed at their own modestly fortified bow. Bad move, trend-watchers!

John Kerry wants to blame Commander in Chief Bush and not the Iraqi terrorists for America’s first net job loss in 11 presidencies. He wants to blame President Bush, not the terrorists, for eliminating overtime pay for six million American workers. John Kerry wants this country to believe that problems with health-care and the grave financial burden born by the middle class is somehow President Bush’s fault and not the inevitable result of that horrible moment frozen in the memory of time and the universe when suicide-bombers, drunk on Allah and blind with hate, attacked the United States, and 3,000 innocent Americans perished on 9/11. It’s as if John Kerry refuses to admit that evildoers even exist. And whenever a Democratic presidential candidate talks about the middle class without mentioning evildoers in the same breath, you can be certain he’s not really talking about the middle class at all. He’s using a not-so-secret liberal code meaning “white Christian males.” Look it up, folks. It’s all happened before. And when white males go Democrat, Democrats go to the White House. It’s as simple as that.

Since they were first given the right to vote without fear of violent repercussion, it’s been inarguable: Without the blacks, Democrats are whack. But conservatives must now face an even colder, harder, darker reality. So what if Republicans win over some homos, cripples, pygmies, firemen, gooks, squaws, Samoans, simpletons, and even Harold Ford Jr.? Isn’t it all for nothing if they lose straight white male voters in the process?

Like the Good Book says, “You win the world, but lose your soul? Where’s the payoff?” Be vigilant.

From the Left

By Christopher Davis

Best advice to the Dems: Surrender. Hail, Caesar!

The two Johns, Kerry and Edwards, are entirely correct when they talk about two Americas. One America subscribes to The New Yorker or maybe to The New Republic. The other America subscribes to T.V. Guide or maybe buys T.V. Guide at the newsstand, depending on who’s on the cover. One America scours the Web searching for as many reliable news sources as it can find. The other America thinks “Howard Huge” is the best thing about Parade magazine and the second-best thing about Sunday morning. One America is bipartisan, more or less informed, and relatively small. The other America does as it’s told or does nothing at all. Message to Democrats: Your posse is insubstantial.

It’s impossible for John Kerry to win the presidency, because he looks like Herman Munster. Even liberal journalists who watch too much E! find the hilarious visual comparison totally irresistible. Message to Democrats: Do you boneheads really want the face of America to look like Herman Munster?

So Senator Kerry proves his patriotism by flaunting his battle scars and brandishing all those shiny medals he earned in Vietnam like he was so fine, and all that, and shit? Not! His show-offishness only underscores how badly the Democratic candidate failed to use his Ivy League intelligence to keep his rich white ass out of harm’s way, thus proving once and for all that John Kerry is dangerously out of step with mainstream America’s viciously self-serving values. Message to Democrats: Your bling bling has blung blung.

So, yes, Virginia, there really are two Americas. One watches Frontline, the other can’t resist reruns of What’s Happenin’ Now. There’s an America that listens to Rush, and there’s an America that shakes its head and wonders, “What happened to the news?” “Why’d we pull resources out of Afghanistan and invade Iraq?” And most importantly, “Why in bloody hell did the Democrats go off and nominate that uptight guy who is pretty good on domestic issues but who also looks like Herman Munster?” Message to Democrats: America loves a winner.

The conventional wisdom has spoken to the general punditry much in the same way Jesus sometimes speaks to our president. It spoke to me personally, saying, “Chris, my man, John Kerry’s screwed like a Dade County hooker at an all-night beer-and-roofie party.” As a liberal columnist — one of the last of a dying species — it’s my duty and privilege to repeat what the conventional wisdom tells me as if my gentle master possessed both soul and body. If John Kerry doesn’t listen to the hypnotized masses before they transmogrify into an angry mob armed with newly legalized Uzis and Kalishnakovs, he’s going to get faced like a punk and become another lonely, bitter, girly, utterly irrelevant sore-loserman. And that’s if he’s lucky. The crown sticks where it fits. Somebody drop the curtain. I can’t bear to watch another thing. •