Well, I suppose this is the last Rant of 2007, and by the time this issue comes out Christmas will finally be over and the retail numbers will be all the news and everyone can stop talking about whether to say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” and we’ll all know who sired Britney Speers’ little sister’s baby and everyone in Iowa will be getting ready to caucus and we’ll find out who Dick Cheney burned up in that closet next to his “ceremonial” office and we’ll be a few days closer to January 20, 2009, and the West Memphis Three might be out of the slammer and Greenland will be a bit more melted and the CIA will have destroyed more torture videos and no one will really do anything about it and that preacher at World Overcomers Church will have gone down in the annals of local history as the first man of the cloth to put a big bed in front of the pulpit and have his wife saunter about in a red negligee while he preaches to the women of the congregation about keeping the “ho’s” away from their husbands and life will just keep on trucking along. I’m not one to make New Year’s resolutions, as I never keep them, but this year I think I might give it a shot. I think these are doable: 1) I am going to make some torture tapes of my own. I regularly hold one of my cats up in the air and pretend that he is a dirigible because he is long and fat. I make him sail from the living room to the dining room and he meows quite loudly the entire time. I don’t waterboard him or pile him on top of other naked cats or put him in stress positions for a long time, but it is torture just the same. I also had to try to sing the Staple Singers’ “Respect Yourself” over the phone to someone in Europe recently so she would be sure of the song I was talking to her about. If I had some footage of her reaction when she heard it, that would qualify as well. Instead of burning the footage of her, I could send it to Mavis Staples and get even more torture footage of her reaction to it. 2) I’m going to see how many more empty cigarette packs I can cram into my car. There’s got to be a world record here to beat. 3) I am going to get a bumper sticker for my car that reads “Lesbians Against Bush.” 4) I am going to join the aforementioned World Overcomers Church. I’m not sure what they are trying to overcome in the world (maybe it’s just the world itself), but I will NOT miss it if the preacher gets in bed again and talks to the congregation about oral sex. For more on this, you really should visit Thaddeus Matthews’ blog and the many comments on it. It’s far better than any fiction you’re likely to read anytime soon. 5) I’m going to form a band and call it Prison Rape. I’ve already talked with a potential fellow bandmate about this at length and songs such as “Jailhouse Jock” are in the works. Check Billboard later next year to see where we stand in the charts. 6) I’m going to try to keep from writing anything more about George Bush and I’m going to do my best to not even mention his name in conversation. Guess I will have to remove that bumper sticker. Bummer! 7) I’m going to start writing jingles for local businesses that don’t sound like injured dogs screaming. Have you ever tried to watch the local news early in the morning and not throw up at these commercials? Why does a local jewelry store need a jingle? Or a tire store? Who would buy tires from some joint that advertises incessantly with a sissy-ass jingle? 8) I’m going to write more on this page about the Stax Museum. Yes, I work there and it’s a conflict of interest for me to write about it and not be objective, but so what? I started this damn newspaper and I think I should be able to write about whatever I want to write about. I’ve probably written 2,000 columns for this rag and I’ll push the Stax Museum all I want to until every last person who reads this paper visits it. 9) I’m going to send Condoleezza Rice a photo of my cat’s rectum. I can take it while he’s playing dirigible kitty. A big closeup of his rectum for Condi with a tube of lipstick so she can kiss my cat’s ass. 10) I was going to mention something here about losing weight and exercising and being nice to older people and kids and all that, but, like I said, I have to stick to things that are doable. Now all of you have a fabulous New Year!
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