The GOP could open a haberdashery with all the hats that have been thrown into the ring for the 2016 presidential nomination. It looks pretty much the same as the last go-round, minus Mitt Romney and Ron Paul, but plus Rand Paul and Jeb Bush. The list is still in flux, but these are the folks who are most likely to entertain us all summer with their traveling vaudeville debate theater. The reviews for the last troupe were boffo. They brought down the house in every city. So what if that house was in foreclosure? Since there are so many candidates with such wonderful things to say, I thought a guide to the Republican presidential candidates might be useful.
That is, if Obama doesn’t rip up the Constitution, declare martial law, and run for a third term.
So without further delay, the prospective contenders for the office of president are:
Ted Cruz: Texas Senator and morality crusader Philosophy: Whatever Joe McCarthy said. Famous Quote: “I intend to speak in support of defunding Obamacare until I am no longer able to stand.” Spoken prior to an empty Senate chamber recitation of Green Eggs and Ham.
Rand Paul: Senator from Kentucky Philosophy: Neo-Libertarian. “I read all of Ayn Rand’s novels when I was 17.” Famous Quote: “A free society will abide unofficial, private discrimination even when that means allowing hate-filled groups to exclude people based on the color of their skin.”
Ben Carson: Neurosurgeon and narcissist Philosophy: I’m the Bizarro Obama. Famous Quote: “Obamacare is the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery.”
Jeb Bush: Former Florida Governor Philosophy: Please don’t blame me for my idiot brother torching the globe. Famous Quote: “Immigrants are more fertile, and they love families.”
Rick Perry: Texas Governor Philosophy: I got glasses this time to make me look smarter. Famous Quote: “Oops.”
Chris Christie: New Jersey Governor and bridge builder Philosophy: Sit down and shut up. Famous Quote: “Sit down and shut up.”
Scott Walker: Wisconsin Governor and union buster Philosophy: Whatever the Koch brothers tell me. Famous Quote: “Let ’em protest all they want. Sooner or later the media stops finding it interesting.”
Marco Rubio: Florida Senator and pitchman for Aquafina Philosophy: I’m really running for vice president. Famous Quote: “I do not believe that human activity is causing these dramatic changes to our climate the way these scientists are portraying it.”
Carly Fiorina: Former CEO of Hewlett-Packard Philosophy: Just because I drove HP into the ground doesn’t mean I can’t be president. Famous Quote: “If Hillary had to face me on the debate stage, at the very least she would have a hitch in her swing.” (I don’t know what it means either.)
Mike Huckabee: Former Arkansas Governor and future pitchman for reverse-loan mortgages Philosophy: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Famous Quote: “Democrats want to insult the women of America by making them believe that they are helpless without Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription.”
I suppose you could call the rest fringe candidates, since their views are so radical. Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal said that the GOP “must stop being the stupid party.” Anti-sex advocate Rick Santorum said, “Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”
These are all worthy topics for future hilarious debates, but for the most eloquent statement of qualifications, you have to give it up to grifter and perennial candidate Donald Trump, who said, “The only difference between me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” In this tabloid culture, what more could you want in a president?
