Dear Jack,
I’ve been dating a great woman for about three years. She’s starting to talk about getting married and having children. I’ve been ignoring those comments because she knows I’m not going down that road. I told her up front I’m not the marrying kind and I don’t like kids. Why do women not believe me when I say this? Why do they think I’m kidding or not telling the whole story or afraid or (this one is the worst) I haven’t met the right woman?
Next she’ll give me an ultimatum, because all her girlfriends have told her she should do that. And then, I’ll have to cut her loose, and I don’t want to lose her.
Do you have any suggestions for how to make things MORE clear?
— Wondering in West Memphis
Dear Wonderman,
After a lengthy and bitter third divorce, I went back home to Memphis to seek solace and a fourth wife. Eventually I found a lovely young woman hawking pronto pups at the Mid South Fair. She was perfect in every way – gorgeous, generous, adventurous, gainfully employed, and possessing a full set of teeth. She was open and loving and forgiving, completely understanding of the difficulties presented by monogamy to a virile young man in the prime of life.
Her only fault was her relentlessly primal desire to breed. And not just to breed, but to breed prodigiously – to fill the house with such pitter-patter of tiny feet as to drown out the thunderous ticking of her biological clock. As I already had more wives, lawyers, and progeny than I could afford, I found myself, for the first time in my life, seeking excuses to avoid premarital sex with a beautiful and eager woman.
Man is not meant for such trials. For that reason alone, you have my deepest sympathy.
After three years, this woman is only now starting to talk about marriage and kids? Pal, you’ve got it better than you know. Let’s be honest with ourselves. The only reason you don’t want to get married is so you can fool around. However, if she ever caught you shagging her friends, you would lose this otherwise excellent relationship of three years. So in what practical way are you not already married?
Of course, that excuse won’t fly with her either. You’re going to have to do something or you’ll lose her. Time to man up. Marriage ain’t all bad, and it has some definite advantages, but you need to protect yourself. I suggest two things – vasectomy, followed by a prenup. If she’s willing to marry you on those terms, then by all means go for it. You’ll save a fortune on your taxes.
But let me just say this. You are happy with things the way they are, but you can’t know if you would be more happy with the way things could be. As much as I complain about paying child support, I wouldn’t trade any of my children, not even for a winning Powerball ticket. Well, maybe one kid, but only because he’s so much like his father when I was his age. And I was a lot like you are – a self-absorbed dick. Don’t knock fatherhood until you’ve tried it. It might just make you a better person. Look what it did for me.
Confused? Let Jack Waggon set you straight. Jack.wagg@gmail.com
