If you have children who might read this paper, please put it away so they won t do so. If you are extremely religious and are offended by profanity, please just turn the page. I really don t want to offend you. I just want to say, what a shit head. What an asshole. What a lying, demented, crooked, piece of dog shit (no, there s nothing really wrong or evil about dog shit, so I take that back out of respect to dogs) we have for a vice president. What an arrogant, irresponsible, miserable waste of human sperm and ovarian eggs. There. Having said those vile things, let me just add that in the words of our great vice president, Dick Cheney, who, in the capital of the United States of America during a photo session last week, told United States Senator Patrick Leahy to, FUCK YOURSELF I feel better. Again, if you have children or are offended by profanity, please throw this page in the trash. And know that I am very sorry to have to quote the vice president of the United States as having told a member of the United States Senate to fuck yourself. I would like to quote the vice president as saying something that is suitable for your children to read, but, well, I really can t. But before I wrote this, I did check with some of my colleagues about it since the vice president, when rigorously defending his use of the phrase fuck yourself on the Senate floor in the capital of the United States, told the press, I think that a lot of my colleagues felt that what I had said badly needed to be said, that it was long overdue. So my colleagues said that it would be okay to quote him here and that it was badly needed and long overdue. The sad thing is that even if you are able to keep your children from reading this, they are still subject to all of the mainstream press, which is likely to be reporting on this for some time if that, they suddenly grow any gonads overnight and don t take their payola to brush it under the carpet. One would think that, out of concern for the children of this country and around the world, the vice president of the United States would have apologized for this instead of being proud of it, but then, he is who he is. And if you plan to vote for George W. Bush in the fall with Cheney as his running mate for vice president, just remember that he has told each of you, and each of your children, that it is just fine and dandy and long overdue to say the word fuck in public, in the capital of the United States of America. If you hear your kids repeating that word, having heard the vice president of the United States say it, I feel bad for you when you try to explain to them that it s really not such a great thing to do. Here s a question for the fans of the vice president out there, of which there are many of and which many of whom are devoutly religious people: Just what do you think about this and how do you explain your continued support for a man who has told you, your families, your friends, your colleagues, and your small, innocent children that it is fine to tell on the Senate Chamber floor to fuck yourself, and then feel good about it? Memphis ministers? Thoughts? People all about family values? Thoughts? Those of you who love your dear George W. Bush, who would not criticize Mr. Cheney for this? Thoughts? Where are your usual letters to the editors? Too busy thinking of a way to justify this? Can t quite come to a conclusion on why this is okay? Still wondering if this is part of the plan that God Himself, as Mr. Bush would have you believe (and which you probably do), bestowed upon your precious president and his VP to unite the country and bring a sense of decency back to the White House? Not quite sure how this use of profanity and taking such delight in fits in? I would love to hear from you. It would make me feel better. In the meantime, I guess I can use all of the profanity in this column that I care to, since the vice president of the United States says it s okay, but I really don t feel the need to do so. I ll just get to the real point of all this: what s going on around this week. Tonight s Sunset Atop the Madison Series party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features cocktails, a great view of the river and sunset, and live music by Ms. Ruby Wilson & Co. Don Henley is in concert at the Horseshoe Casino down in Tunica. And Lynn Cardona & Friends are playing jazz at Republic Coffee.
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