Okay, let me start by saying that it is 5:30 a.m. as I write this, which does not in any sense of the word make me happy. And I m usually a very happy fellow. Just the other day, for example, out of the blue I jumped into the air and kicked my heels together. I think I was at work on my way outside to smoke a cigarette. I even sing along with the car radio playing Sheryl Crow songs. I am nice to waiters and convenience store clerks and I have learned to have much more patient with Memphis drivers, even if the concept of a turn lane or speed limit is foreign to them. Instead of screaming curse words at them, I just concentrate on them somehow grasping traffic rules. And yes, I am very nice to children. But, as I said, it is 5:30 a.m., my back is killing me, and I just discovered a very bad leak in my bathroom, which is going to cost a fortune to fix. And since I do not have a fortune, I suppose I am going to be forced to enter a new career. I am buying a day care center! Man, did those Cherokee Children and Family services have it made or what? Trips to Europe and New York and Mexico cruises through the Caribbean and expensive dinners and gifts and parties and leased cars and maid service and most of it paid for by your tax dollars and mine. Well, I have a penchant for travel and finery myself. I would never go on a cruise because I don t think I could stand the spectacle of those people eating 24 hours day, not to mention the fashion factor. But Europe? Hell, yeah. Only instead of expensive dinners in Paris, my receipts would all be from Amsterdam for herbal medications. And I would have to go to Russia to dine on caviar served with a jeweled platinum spoon. Rack it up to Dietary Research for Children, even though the children they were supposed to be helping probably didn t get three decent meals a day. Of course there would be much hygiene research. Hair transplants, teeth bleaching, personal trainers, lyposuction, seaweed wraps, and mud baths (just hope diarrhea doesn t strike like it does that woman in that hilarious television commercials). It would all be a study to find out how physical improvements have bearing on a child s ability to learn. I would buy three hubcaps to replace the ones missing. I would start buying up the big newspapers, and every time a story about George Bush appeared it would be accompanied by a photo of Alfred E. Newman. I could buy a big house in Collierville and let someone drive through the French doors. But alas, here I sit in Memphis, Tennessee with no day care center with which to funnel money into my own account to live a lavish lifestyle. I ll get to work on it though. In the meantime, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Today, you can learn all about the floor at the new Downtown School at the UrbanArt Commission Lunch at 10 N. Fourth Street (hope it ain t gonna have none of them Commie sayings in it). You can learn all about Basic Meditation & Discovering Your Psychic Self at a workshop by internationally known psychic medium Tina Michelle at the The Deliberate Literate (she ll be there for a while doing several). Tonight s Grand Reopening of Handy Performing Arts Park on Beale Street features Ronnie Milsap and Aaron Neville. I ve never heard these bands but with names like 3 Guys That Hate You, NYFB, and
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