You ll have to bear with me this week. It seems that I am partially almost paralyzed from inhaling some household cleaning products and I am in pain. Cleaning house and exercise always seem to have this near-death effect on me for some reason. Just the other day, after hiking through a rain forest in Vancouver, I had a terrible shooting pain in my lower back and down one leg. So the next day, while ferrying across a Pacific Ocean bay headed to Vancouver Island, someone tried to heal me. Only I could leave for another corner of the world and meet two strangers from Denmark, who are part of the European Jesus Revolution, strike up a conversation, and end up having them lay their hands on my back and pray for healing which, I might add, did not work. Little did they know that I have inside information that the Second Coming is right around the corner and it s going to be at the Grand Old Opry. Don t ask me how I know that, but I do. The healing incident was just after being on the Canadian news within one hour of being in the beautiful Canadian city that was once home to our Grizzlies. It seems that there are a few coffeehouses there, were you can . . . well, all right, I was walking out of a place called the New Amsterdam CafÇ. Get the picture? At any rate, it seems that a Canadian Senate committee had just that day recommended legalizing marijuana, much to the disdain, of course, from Dubbya s drug czar, John Walters, and there was a bit of commotion going on. As we left the cafÇ, where we had our coffee and barleygreen juice (wink), there was a news reporter, cameraman, and a visual guy on the sidewalk filming a segment for the news. The reporter was doing his thing, commenting on the issue, while the visual guy stood there taking a big hit off of a joint. The only problem was that the reporter kept making mistakes and the spot had to be shot and shot and re-shot enough times that the visual guy was down to a roach and off in never-never land, caring not at all about what the reporter was saying. And I just happened to be in the background. Little, innocent me, broadcast live throughout an entire nation while a dude was on the sidewalk smoking a joint. I love Vancouver. At least almost all of it. I wasn t all that thrilled with a clothing store I dashed into to purchase a fleece pullover. It seems that the store is owned by a wiry little German woman who appeared to be on her third or fourth day of doing crystal meth with no sleep. When I asked about the fleece pullover, she looked like she was in shock. Fleece? she bellowed. Ve hav no fleece! Only finest German vool! Then, THEN, she began to tell me that I was in the right place because all of the overweight men in Vancouver shopped there. People in the United States! They are not in shape! Here in Vancouver, they vill look at your 34- or 36-inch vaist and say, Oh, he need to lose veight. She then tried to get me to take my pants off so I could try on a pair that she said would make me look much slimmer. Frightened by all of this, I fled the store and headed back to the New Amsterdam CafÇ for coffee with non-fat milk in it. And speaking of coffee, it seems there s a shop there that sells a very special kind of coffee bean. They feed the beans to some kind of wild cat, which ingests them without chewing them up, and then, well, you know, there s no other way to say other than the cat craps out the whole beans, and the digestive enzymes on the beans from the cat s intestines are supposed to be really healthy, or something. I don t know. But you re basically drinking cat shit. And the beans go for $150 (!) for a quarter pound. All I have to say about that is, cat of mine, you better get ready to perk up. Finally, a way to pay her own way since she refused to endure the shallow life of a model. In the meantime, here s a brief look at what s going on around town this week. If you are reading this on Wednesday, the 18th, as many of you will be, Ingram Hill is playing at 6:30 tonight at the U of M s Rose Hall. Nuf said. As for today, Thursday, if you want your shot at show biz, As The World Turn will hold a student Daytime Drama Talent Search. I would go, but I m too fat. And Rob Jungkla is at The Lounge tonight.
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