Well, what can I say but thanks very much for the votes in the Best of Memphis Best Columnist poll? This always humbles me. And to tie with Geoff Calkins, sports columnist for The Commercial Appeal, makes it even more fun, although I suspect he had all of his cousins from out of town involved in mailing in ballots. And if any of those ballots with votes for him had paw prints on them . . . just kidding. I d also like to send another big thank you to my new hero, Hubcap Annie, who, mercifully, has ended the my cycle of waking up each day to face the demeaning prospect of being 44 years old and having no hubcaps on my car. And if you ve never been there, it s a fascinating place. She probably has more hubcaps out there than I ve had drinks during the collective years of my adult life. Well, that may be stretching it, but it s still really something to see. But now on to this new telemarketer controversy. I say, stop all the whining and have some fun with this. I know I have mentioned this on this page before, but talking with telemarketers is one of my favorite things. You just have to know how to answer their questions. Questions like, Hello, Mr. Sampson, this is Bob with so- –and-so long distance service, calling to tell you about a new deal we re offering that s much better than the service you have now. Do you have just a moment? Answer: Weeeeellll, Bob! Hey, there! How in the hell are you? Natch, I have a moment, buddy. Hell, I have my whole life. See, I don t have any arms or legs, and I have only one eye. What s worse, I am blind in that one! Ain t that a pain in the ass? Well, I don t have one of those either, so I really couldn t say. But, I really do want to hear what you have to say, Bob! I m sure it s something that will make my life a LOT better! Come on with the scoop! Say, do you think you could get me a date with that babe from Boxing Helena? That one usually shuts Bob up and it s a lot more fun than just slamming the phone down in his face. Or how about this one, in a low whisper: Well. Hello there, Bob. How are you tonight? Sure I have a moment or two. Let me just grab my martini and get rid of this robe I m wearing and I ll be right back. Mmmmmmmm. You can bet Bob won t stay on the line much longer. Unless, well, never mind. Or you could always turn the table and put your own agenda first: Yes, Bob. How do you do? My name is Tiffany Lowe and I am running for the Memphis City Council. I know I am a former gang member, convicted felon, and almost bit a woman s finger off, but I am trying to turn my life around and run for office for the betterment of mankind! Can I count on you for a vote, Bob? I promise I will fit right in with the bribe takers and shoplifters on the council. And there you have it. Remember this when the election comes up. In the meantime, here s a little look at what s going on around town this week. Tonight, there s an opening reception at Memphis Jewish Community Center s Shainberg Gallery for paintings by Eileen Callahan. This evening s Mednikow Make-A-Wish Benefit features jewelry designer David Yurman unveiling a special necklace in honor of the foundation. The Marijuana Logues opens its three-night run at the new Stop 345 club. And today kicks off the year s biggest crafts fair of the year, the weekend-long Pink Palace Crafts Fair in Audubon Park, with work by more than 300 artisans.
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