I am frightened by the strangest things. For instance, while looking over what there is to do this week, I saw the word interactive in regards to a theater production. This scares me. Does this mean that you can t sit in the back of the theater and sleep and then wake up and sneak out to smoke and then just leave at halftime or intermission or whatever it s called? This happened to me the first time I ever visited New York City. I was somewhere around the age of 18 years old. I know I had on a paisley 1960s sports jacket (far ahead of my time, fashion-wise, I might add) and a pair of those red, translucent, plastic sandals (jelly-somethings, they were called). We went to one of those off-Broadway improv comedy theaters and as soon as the show started one of the actors walked up to me and asked me where I was from. When I said, Memphis, the comedy troupe did some big deal about being beat up at a bus stop in New Jersey. See? Who wants interactive when you just want to be left alone? And get this: One of the things going on around town this week a 5K run/walk to celebrate Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Hmm. Yeah. Get out there and run that extra graham of fat off! Run, run, run! See, this is something I can relate to, having been on a diet since the fourth grade. You should see my refrigerator right now: asparagus, vodka, ice, and what seems to be several hundred condiments representing the cuisines of every corner of the earth. Milk and bread? Forget it. Hara Dhania Coriander Chutney? Well, of course. No wonder I am so lightheaded so much of the time. Especially while driving. Oh. This is a mess. Now, on top of everything else I have to endure to get through the average day, if I look up and see a long, straight street in front of me, I start feeling like I am going to black out and my body turns frigid from head to toe. It s been going on for months and it is quite unpleasant. I have to zigzag my way around town taking all the tiny side streets possible, like someone completely lost and helpless. It s okay for me, but when someone else is in the car, he or she does kind of wonder what the hell is going on. I ve seen streets in Memphis that 99 percent of you don t know exist. Say, what s the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Anyone can roast beef! Ha! See? I have to think of things like this while driving to keep me comatose. I have to play the radio really loud and concentrate on the music and, well, yes, sing along with it. So if you ever see me at a red light uttering the phrase, Hey, baby, would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit for me? then you ll know it s simply my way of staying alive. I ve had thousands and thousands of dollars worth of medical tests done to get to the root of this problem, and, oddly enough, the hospital says nothing is physically wrong with me. Well, nothing that would cause the driving thing. I have plenty wrong with me, though. Trust me. I m probably just paranoid about getting in a wreck with a paddy wagon and a cement mixer and end up covered with hardened criminals. So the docs say this driving problem is all psychological. Great. I spent something in the range of $6,000 to be told I m crazy. That s money well spent. I could have told you that a few weeks ago, when I sent out a mass e-mail thinking I was just sending it to myself from the office to my home, and many of my friends and business associates got a note reading, My, but you look like a movie star. Fix the shower head. So if you got that note, pay it no attention. In fact pay me no attention. You ll be better off. In the meantime, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight s Jazz and the Spirit concert at Memphis Drum Shop features many of the city s finest, including Doctor Scat, Reni Simon, Charles Johnson, Tom Lonardo, and Tim Goodwin. Third Thursdays: Art After Dark at The Dixon features a gallery talk, Italian food and wine, and a screening of the film The Bicycle Thief. The Smiling Assassins featuring Jojo, C. Dawg, Luther, and Cody are at the New Daisy. And The Scott Sudbury band is at the Flying Saucer.
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