If what follows doesn t make a great deal of sense, it s because I have been stricken with some kind of flu-bug thing that carries with it a high fever and the inability to effectively and quickly make the distinction between what is real and what is not. At least it s not brought on by psychosis this time. Or bad acid. Just a virus or something and a wide array of over-the-counter medications that have me feeling like the fleas of a thousand camels are crawling across the desert of my scalp. First, let me say that I was going to retire from this page as of this week, but have decided to instead write every other week from now on, with other folks filling in on the other weeks. There are lots of reasons for this that are, well, frankly no one s business but my own so even if you are a good friend of mine, whatever you do, don t ask me about it. That portly, constantly-giggling little bald man you think you know has turned so mean that if you dare to reach over and poke him gently on the arm and say, Oh, but don t you have so much fun writing your column every week? you are quite likely to draw back a nub. Oh, I m just kidding, of course. I wouldn t actually eat your flesh, but I might flash a photo of a naked man with George W. Bush s head superimposed on it at your face and make you fly across the room like something out of The Exorcist. Speaking of Mr. Bush and not being able to distinguish fact from fiction due to this fever (not sure what his excuse is), is it my imagination or did I read a news piece somewhere the other day about him loving to give people nicknames? It might be the fever, but I want to say I read that he has been calling a senator or congressman named Ben Nelson Nellie and has and been calling Russian president Vladimir Putin Pootie-Poot. Hold on and let me Google this real quickly . . . Okay. Back. It was not my fever-induced imagination. This is real. Nellie and Pootie-Poot. Nellie, being a take-off on Nelson, and Pootie-Poot being a take-off on Putin. Sounds to me like he secretly has a crush on both of them and wants to get just a little closer. After all, he did say that he had looked into Pootie-Poot s eyes and had seen his soul, and Nelson said that when the president finally stopped calling him Nellie and called him Benny, he had a twinkle in his eye. If ever I had the ability to tap phone conversations, which, Secret Service people, I do not, calls from Bush to these guys might be the one case in which I could stand to hear his voice. George to Pootie: Come on, Pootie-Poot. C mon over here and sit on Georgie-Pooh s lap and give him a little peck or two! Oops, that almost sounded like pecker too! You know, like, give him a little peck or two and give him a little pecker too! He he! Aaaaawe, Pootie, if you ll get on one of them there jet-ass air-e-o-planes and come on to the ranch cause ya know, ha ha, that I ain t about to go to work this week after all them big inaugural parties I ll make us a tent in the den floor and we can watch Sponge Bob Square Pants and I ll tickle you til you start, well, pootin ! And when you fly back to Russia, I ll buy you some stuff in the airport long as it s doody-free! He-he-he-haw-haw-haw!! Bush to Nellie: Hey, hey, there, Nellie! Big ol Nellie girly-man! Big ol Smelly Nellie! Say, Nellie, did you see Jenna and me flip them Norwegies the big Texas Hook em Horns sign at the inauguration the other day? Wasn t that too cool for school? Lord, them big blonde Swedes got busier than a one legged man in an ass kickin contest writin headlines about me shootin off a salute to Satan! Hell, I ain t had that much fun since the last time I had a good batch of Peruvian marchin powder! Hey, Smelly Nellie, why you think them three wise men smelled s much like smoke when they finally got to that manger? Cause they d just come in from a far!!! Didja git it? Didja git it? Aight, Nellie, I got to run now and go see what old, he-he, Sad Ham is up to. Or something like that. You get the picture. And it s not pretty. So onward and upward (the only way this can go) with a brief look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight, there s a Tsunami Benefit/Grand Opening at the new Bluefin Edge Cuisine & Sushi Lounge down on South Main in the spot formerly occupied by Prime Minister s; proceeds go to the American Red Cross. The Goner Records Fest kicks off at The Buccaneer, with numerous bands playing there, at Goner Records, and at XZ&Z this weekend. And last but certainly not least, Tommy T. Bone Burroughs is playing tonight at a place you might remember as Stop 345 down at Madison and Danny Thomas, but is now Paddy s Memphis Pub. Paddy is one crazy man, fresh in from his stint as proprietor of Paddy s Memphis Pub in Boyle, Ireland, where I met him. I did not have one single drink while I was there and we did not have one bit of fun. Let s just say it was on Irish national radio. Yikes! — Tim Sampson
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