Favorite line of the month: This was on an episode of Law and Order the other night. And no, no, no. I am not trying to make fun of hearing-impaired people in any way. But someone should have checked the script. The cop on the show was questioning a doctor, who happened to be deaf, and she was answering him by signing. This went on and on until he finally determined she needed to be arrested, at which point he growled aloud, You have the right to remain silent! You have to admit that one s pretty good. Almost as good as drum roll, once again, please yes, this line from dear ol Dr. Peter Gott, syndicated health columnist, all-round hero among his many readers, and the object of one of my unfortunate obsessions. Here s the advice he gave one of his writers: You son s pediatrician should perform a genital exam and, maybe, even observe the act of urination. Dr. Gott! Are you sure? This was in response to a mother s inquiry as to whether a physical problem might be causing her 14-year-old son to hit everything but the water in the toilet when urinating. The doc (cod, spelled backward, incidentally) suggested that maybe the young man had a minor (or major) congenital malformation of his penis. Oh, Dr. Gott, come on. The kid is 14. He s thinking about anything and everything but hitting that toilet water. Hell, he s probably aiming at things to see if he can hit them. Don t subject him to being forced to urinate in front of his pediatrician! He ll get to do plenty of that when he gets busted for drugs and is sent to a treatment center to keep from going to jail. On the same page, the doc responded to a letter from a woman with a collapsed colon, by telling her he had never heard of one of those, suggesting it could be some other problem, and writing to her, A collapsed colon? I don t think so. Good grief. Write in about your collapsed colon and get read the riot act. At least he didn t tell her she had the right to remain silent, which might be difficult for her, considering her predicament. In the same week (I save these) the doc addressed a 60-year-old man who was ejaculating backward into this bladder; a couple who was worried oral sex would give them mouth cancer; a husband and wife in their 70s who were afraid that their frequent sex could also lead to cancer; and, more recently, a letter from a man who was seeing various doctors and wanted to get Dr. Gott s opinion on the combination of drugs he was taking. The writer had this to say: I go to numerous doctors. None of them knows about the others. I am presently on Oxycontin, Percocet, MS Contin, Demerol, Dilaudid, methadone, Duragesic patches, Vicodin, and codeine, along with Xanax, Valium, Ativan, Halcion, and Restoril. What are they doing to my health? Well, take a guess, dude. Dr. Gott responded by telling him that the drugs were killing him and that he needed to detoxify and seek pain-management therapy, and added, But if this correspondence is a prank from my friends at what I call Smartmouth College in Hanover, N.H., you need do nothing but please stop sending me letters! Oh, come on, Doc, spill it. You know that one was from Rush Limbaugh! At any rate, I love the doc and as for how to treat yourself this week, here s a brief look at some of what s going on around town. Tonight, the Memphis Redbirds play Colorado Springs at AutoZone Park. The Dempseys are at the Flying Saucer. And tonight s Sunset Atop the Madison Series party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features live music by Elmo and the Shades.
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