Finally some relief. Amid all of the murky and tiresome reporting on the presidential election campaign, Jimmy Swaggart has made the news again, getting into a little hot water for saying that he would kill any gay man who might look at him romantically. So I have some quick advice: Jimmy, honey, don’t worry about that one single bit. The likelihood of that happening to you is about as probable as George W. Bush completing a sentence accurately without saying “uh” 200 or 300 times. It is NEVER going to happen to you. Just stick with getting caught with hookers so you can dramatically cry your eyes out for your mentally ill followers so they won’t stop donating money to your “ministry.” Now, Jim Bakker, from what I understand, might be a different story. After being locked up in jail with all those sweaty, sweaty men, he might just be game. However, Jimmy, I don’t think even the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew could really do much for you. They do, after all, have to have something with which to start. But you worry me not. What really worries me is the fact that the country in which I was born has denied entry to, of all people, Cat Stevens. This pretty much sums up the rest of the world’s feeling that America has lost its collective, paranoid, and vindictive mind. And to you letter-to-the-editor writers who think I am a treasonous terrorist sympathizer and want to let me know, I say, in the words of our great leader when discussing attacks on American soldiers, “Bring it on.” If you truly think you are safer because of this, I would love to hear why, just to get a good belly laugh. Cat Stevens is, or should be if sanity has any play in it, untouchable. One of the most spiritual people to have ever recorded music. One of the most gentle souls on the face of the earth. What do you think is more harmful to society? The man who wrote and recorded “Peace Train” and “Morning Has Broken” flying into the United States with his daughter to record a session in Nashville or the presidential election polls being affected by Dr. Phil interviewing the candidates about whether or not they spanked their kids? Ah, the wonders of the American media. On one brilliant news broadcast the other morning, the coverage of the deaths of American men and women in Iraq paled in comparison to the coverage of Britney Spears’ most recent wedding. I also tuned into the middle of an interview where a major news anchor was asking a woman some very serious questions about her mental state. I thought perhaps she had been traumatized by a horrible crime, like looking romantically at Jimmy Swaggart. Turns out she had been fired on The Apprentice by “The Donald.” And there was another brilliant poll the other day in which people were asked whether they believed this summer’s hurricanes helped or harmed both Bush’s and Kerry’s chance of winning in November. Here’s my new lawn sign: “KERRY: WEAK ON HURRICANES. BUSH: TOUGH ON CAT STEVENS.” And now here is a brief look at some of what’s going on around town this week. This afternoon, from 5 to 7 p.m. at Burke’s Book Store, there’s a booksigning by The Memphis Flyer‘s own John Branston, who’ll be Hancocking his new Rowdy Memphis: The South Unscripted, a perspective on the people and events that made Memphis what it is today. Tonight’s Sunset Atop the Madison party on the rooftop of the Madison Hotel features live blues by Ruby Wilson & Company. The Pirates are at the Blue Monkey Midtown. And The Cat Call Choir is at the Full Moon Club.
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