That look on his face. It alternated from that confusing, eerie look one gets when one thinks one smells dog crap to that mad, frustrated, I am such an idiot look one gets when one actually steps in it. I m referring, of course, to the Creature during last week s debate when the camera was on him when John Kerry was talking. Does this man not have a trainer? Could his parents not afford to have sent him to obedience school? And, again, has the man never heard of hair conditioner? I really, really wish I had been the moderator for this. Lehrer was way too nice and fair and objective. But I guess that s his job. The first thing I would have asked was, Mr. President: You have built your entire presidency and indeed your entire being on instilling fear in Americans about the possibility of other countries having nuclear weapons. Can you please pronounce the word nuclear? You have two minutes. Oh, not enough time? Well, we ll cut you a little slack, as we know this is really a tough one. This debate could go on forever. Senator Kerry: Your initial television campaign commercials showed you in your military outfit walking through a jungle in Vietnam. Are we to believe that things were calm enough there at the time to have a film crew accompanying you through combat, or is that something done recently through the magic of computers? If the latter is correct, why didn t you have them shorten your face? Ding! Mr. President: Author Kitty Kelly recently published a book that states your former sister-in-law told her that you snorted you some Peruvian marching powder at Camp David while your father was president. While we don t really care so much about your personal, party-filled life back then, just how good was the blow? Did it make you feel more confident? Are you certain you weren t hopped up on the powder when you choked on that popcorn and fainted a couple of years ago? Did you put cocaine in your father s drink when he was president and puked all over the prime minister of Japan, or are you sure it was just the sleeping pills he was taking? Does your mother do cocaine? Senator Kerry: In your opinion, which came first, the chicken or the egg? Kerry s response: Well, I d have to say that the chicken came first. No, wait. Perhaps it was the egg. On second thought, it might have been the chicken. No, the egg. No, it was definitely the chicken. President Bush: You have 30 seconds to respond to Senator Kerry. Well, now, ya see, that s my opponent for you. Always flip-flopping. I can tell you right now that it was the egg that came first because that s what I had for breakfast this morning before having chicken for lunch! At this point, President Bush gets that weird grin on his face and looks around the room to see everyone s reaction to what he thinks is his brilliant answer and adds, This is hard work! And so it goes. Someday I ll get to moderate one of these debates and I guarantee you it will be more fun that the ones we are living through now. In the meantime, here s a quick look at some of what s going on around town this week. Tonight, Uncle Tada the story of an unhappy girl, her drunken uncle, and magic opens at Theatreworks. Today kicks off this weekend s big Pink Palace Crafts Fair in Audubon Park, with every kind of craft imaginable. David Brookings and This is Goodbye are at the Hi-Tone tonight. And Orchestra Caliente is at Young Avenue Deli.
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