The following comes to us via the Rev. Billy C. Wirtz, who plays Beale Street on occasion.
BAND CLAIRVOYANCE: When requesting a song from the band, just say “play my
song!” We have chips implanted in our heads with an unlimited database of
the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all* songs
ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we say we
really don’t remember that tune you want, we’re only kidding. Bands do know
every* song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be… it
helps jog the memory, or just keep repeating your request over and over
again if a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they
either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try
singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.
It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per
set, followed by the phrases, “AW COME ON!” and, “YOU SUCK!” Exaggerated hand
gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well,
such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to
jog a band’s memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of “Personal
Friend Of The Band.” You can bet your request will be the next song we play.
Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for
their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they
will do once they arrive. We don’t actually make set lists or rehearse
songs. We mostly just wait for you to yell something out, then fake it. An
entertainer’s job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don’t let them
off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.
Once you’ve figured out what genre of music the band plays, please make your
requests from a totally different genre. The more exaggerated the better. If
its a blues band playing, yell for some Metallica or Slayer or Pantera.
Likewise, if its a death-speed metal band, be sure to request Brown-eyed
Girl or some Grateful Dead. Musicians need to constantly broaden their
musical horizons, and its your job to see that it happens….immediately.
TALKING WITH THE BAND: The best time to discuss anything with the band in
any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are
singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out
your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us. And
we can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don’t worry that we’re in the middle of the chorus.
Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your
question or comment during a tune, it’s because they didn’t get a good look
at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your
request and be sure to overemphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don’t be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn’t answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it’s
because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an
attitude. We love this.
IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or
her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their
head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation
to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your
hands. Don’t give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits.
Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the
back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by
their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming out from
behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it’s not
impossible, so keep trying. They’re especially vulnerable during the break
between songs.
HELPING THE BAND: If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band
will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can
remain standing on stage. If you’re too drunk to stand unassisted, simply
lean on one of the band members or the most expensive piece of equipment you
see. Just pretend you’re in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on
stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound,
and the louder you should sing.
If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to
sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than
outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played
out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always
needs the help and will take this as a compliment.
Finally, the microphone
and PA system are merely props, they don’t really amplify your voice, so
when you grab the mic out of the singers hand be sure to scream into it at
the top of your lungs, otherwise no one will hear what a great singer you
are. Hearing is over-rated anyhow, and the crowd and the sound guy will love
you for it.
BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you
are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have
successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the
following day to offer you a position.
See you at the next gig!
