How can you tell quickly that a movie is going to be terrible? The
opening title “In association with HASBRO” is probably a pretty good
indicator.
The second feature film based on the ’80s-era toy line,
Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen is even more preposterous
and pointless than the first film. It opens in 17,000 B.C. as sort of
an ersatz 2001: A Space Odyssey, with a tribe of primitive
earthlings discovering a metallic monument from a more advanced alien
race. It ends with a noisy, chaotic war-as-hell battle in the desert
— except with big, shiny robots. All in all, this 150 minute
box-office behemoth could well become the worst movie to ever gross
more than $300 million. (Take that Passion of the Christ! Take
that Phantom Menace!)
I’m not even going to bother trying to explain the plot here,
because it’s unbearably idiotic, and I can’t imagine even fans of the
film really caring. Besides, these films are, of course, purely
visual.
I found the first film somewhat enjoyable on these grounds. The
shape-shifting title entities are most interesting when small and not
in mid-combat. In the first Transformers, that meant everyday
objects like a portable radio and a vending machine springing to life.
Here, aside from an extended and over-played bit with a remote-control
toy truck (almost directly referencing the toys that the movies are
based on), that level of wit is missing. There’s a promising moment
early on when a kitchen full of small appliances transform into
creatures obviously inspired by Gremlins, but they’re dispatched
quickly. Instead, the film features an anachronistic and offensive
tag-team of “jive-talking” transformers that might be the worst comic
relief since Jar Jar Binks.
For much of the audience, the most compelling visual spectacle is
likely to be Megan Fox in denim Daisy Dukes or a black leather biker
get-up. But, like a “Decepticon” or “Autobot,” she’s less compelling
when she goes verbal. (Co-star Shia LaBeouf is more personable, but he
doesn’t exactly have a lot to work with.)
Transformers 2 is somewhat notable for its clear right-wing
undercurrent: Fox uses enhanced interrogation techniques on the toy
truck, the only real human villain is an Obama adviser who has the
nerve to exert civilian control over the military and suggest
“diplomatic solutions” (an idea the film openly mocks), and the finale
is a U.S. Army-led conflagration across a Middle Eastern desert village
whose residents barely register as people the audience is supposed to
think about.
Adding to the struggle, Transformers 2 is at least half an
hour too long, with plenty to cut among its relentlessly boring action
set-pieces and sub-stupid storyline. Losing the ponderous voiceover
from white-hat robot Optimus Prime (a noble leader from another world
who disguises himself, even when he doesn’t seem to need to, as a
candy-colored semi-truck) wouldn’t have saved any time. But the cutting
could certainly begin with the gratuitous shot of John Turturro’s naked
ass.
