WE RECOMMEND (THE AMBIVALENT PART)

I could be wrong. It’s happened before. Like the time I interviewed a Mississippi politician named Grover Williams and at the end of the conversation, said, “Why, thank you very much, Mr. Cleveland.” Or the time I was at one of the Brooks Museum’s decorator show houses and stopped in my tracks to stare at a woman wearing a fur coat in the heat of summer, only to realize there was a huge crowd behind me watching as well, because it was a fashion show and I was on the outdoor runway by accident. Or the time I sat for what seemed like an eternity, talking with someone, who obviously knew me very well, unable to remember who he was, only to finally realize that he was my stepbrother. Or like the other day, when I awakened on my front porch swing, where I nap occasionally, and was agog at the fact that someone had ordered a pizza at 7 a.m. on a Sunday morning, only to learn that it was actually 7 p.m. Saturday night and I had been asleep for only a few hours. Or like yet another recent day, when I saw a headline in the CA that read, “5 MAKEUP DAYS SET FOR COUNTY SCHOOLS,” and I thought they were finally going to start teaching the kids about the art of cosmetics. Like I said, I could be wrong. And by the time this is printed, I’ll know. But now, on day one of his trip, I’m a little concerned about George W. Bush’s journey to Europe. As if they don’t already have a pretty low opinion of America over there because we elected someone as our president who speaks a language he made up himself and is prone to stomping his cowboy boots when told he can’t allow one of his special-interest groups to blast poisonous air into national forests. This could be the final straw. Let’s just hope he doesn’t thank France for their contribution to the fast food industry by inventing French fries. Pray that he doesn’t make it to Poland and thank them because he did well in the Poles. Hope that if he makes a stop in Amsterdam he doesn’t tell his daughters to be sure and stop at Red Lights. And then there’s the whole issue of his meeting with Vladimir Putin. I may be wrong, as I have been before, but I have a sinking feeling that the pre-meeting interviews will go something like this. Reporter: “Mr. President, how do you feel about Putin?” George: “Well, Putin is a serious problem when it comes to the gas crisis. Putin is, well, you know, something that I have thought about a lot. When I think to think, Putin is right up there with the rest of the world or the planet or Earth. I don’t really believe in Putin, but it’s something that one really can’t think of to ignore. Putin is okay sometimes, but sometimes Putin is wrong. Laura and I don’t allow Putin in the White House, but that’s because of my mother. She simply doesn’t think Putin is acceptable. She’s against Putin and she’s my mother and she can read and everything, so I guess I should take a stand like her on Putin.” Or something like that. At any rate, it should be interesting to see what kind of impression the beady-eyed wonder makes on his trip to visit all the foreign leaders whose names he had to learn while running for office. Or maybe not. I really don’t care.