I’ve been working the back channels for weeks with some of my sources to get my hands on this: a complete rundown of what the Grizzlies want Santa Claus to bring them on Friday morning:
Larry Kuzniewski
Not sure why I was surprised his face is still bothering him, given how bad it looked in that GSW series.
Mike Conley: a new face that isn’t still numb, and that doesn’t make “nerves come on behind his eyeball”. The longer Conley struggles to get back to his pre-injury form, the more apparent it is that he’s still suffering the after-effects of the facial fracture he suffered during the Portland series last year, when he caught an errant CJ McCollum elbow that caused a really horrible blowout fracture.
I think we—those of us who watch and cover this team, and probably the Grizzlies, and Conley, too—were all a bit too optimistic about his return. The way he’s playing makes sense if you think he’s tentative and over-thinking things because his face is still messed up; unfortunately for Conley in his contract year, it’s starting to look like a blowout fracture is a 12-month injury for him.
Marc Gasol: a better perimeter defense so he doesn’t have to run around so much. Gasol’s defense is not at its peak form this year, and while some of it certainly appears to be a conditioning/effort issue, the other simple fact is that, due to the roster situation right now, he’s got to play 40 minutes a night (in fact, that’s a direct quote from Dave Joerger in the postgame presser after the win over the Pacers on Saturday night) and the Grizzlies’ defense isn’t very good this year so far. That’s led to Gasol having to run around more than usual, and, well, we all know “Marc Gasol” and “run around more” aren’t phrases that should go together. Gasol won a DPOY by calmly sitting back and watching the play develop before making exactly the right move at exactly the right time to disintegrate the opponent’s offense. This year, not so much, and it’s not all his fault.
Larry Kuzniewski
Zach Randolph: his spot in the starting lineup. Z-Bo has been a total pro about getting benched; even his “you’ve been wanting to do this, Joerg” comment was said with a chuckle and a smile. But he only played 15 minutes on Saturday against the Pacers, and if he continues to play between 15-20 minutes and the Grizzlies can’t solidify their hold on an above-.500 record? I expect him to start letting folks know he doesn’t think he should be coming off the bench, and that will make the team’s dynamic even stranger than it already is. So, if Santa brings him back his ability to play decent defense, maybe he’ll also get to start again.
Tony Allen: Another hoverboard, and a knee that doesn’t swell up.
Jeff Green: A new contract that overpays him to be a net negative while he’s on the floor. Green, as the starting power forward, has now had some really good games and some really bad ones. (The Dallas game on Friday was particularly bad, going 0-7 from the floor in almost 35 minutes, scoring only 2 points on free throws.) But he can create in space, and as the New Smallball Grizzlies try to find their way in the world, he appears to be the guy on whom Joerger has pinned the whole enterprise, for better or for worse. I don’t need to remind you that there are years of stats that suggest Green just isn’t a guy who moves the needle for any team he’s ever been on. but he’s in a contract year, and I don’t think the Grizzlies intend to be the ones cutting him a check this summer, so he’s asked Santa for someone else to throw too much money at him. I assume it will happen, especially as the salary cap starts its rise.
Matt Barnes: I just can’t bring myself to make any of the really tasteless jokes that are occurring to me. Besides, for better or for worse, Barnes has been the best wing player on the team and now also the best defensive power forward. For this year’s Grizzlies, Matt Barnes Has It All. What does he need Santa to bring him?
Mario Chalmers: A 30-point game. Chalmers has kind of faded into the background after a hot start with the Grizzlies, which is a thing that happens to a lot of guys who get traded to Memphis and eaten alive by the team’s offensive kudzu problem.
Courtney Lee: Some quality time with a sports psychologist, or a psychoanalyst, or a hypnotherapist, or whatever it takes to get him to stop passing up wide open shots.
Vince Carter: I don’t know. Vince seems like one of those dudes (I fit into this category) who is impossible to shop for because he doesn’t really want anything. If he does, he generally just buys it. He’s playing sometimes—he played more than 20 minutes in a really good Conley/Lee/Carter/Barnes/Gasol lineup on Saturday—and when he’s not, he’s probably thinking about the player development gig he’s going to end up with once he retires, which will probably be after this season, but who knows? He’s got a partially guaranteed year left.
Larry Kuzniewski
Remember what this looked like?
Russ Smith: Buckets. And minutes. But mainly buckets.
James Ennis: Some kind of travel restriction so he stops having to go to Iowa.
JaMychal Green: JaM just wants his minutes back. After starting the season really well, the smallball shift, along with an innate inability not to be called for every single foul, has hampered Green’s effectiveness. Par for the course for a guy’s first year as a real rotation player. He’ll figure it out, assuming Joerger doesn’t just cut him out of the rotation altogether. He’s under 30, so that’s always possible.
Jordan Adams and Brandan Wright: Magical Kobe Bryant German knees.
Dave Joerger: Ah, what do you get the man who seemingly doesn’t like any of the things he has? Joerger wants a new roster, a healthy version of the roster he has, to play smallball, to be more “nasty”, to rebound, to play defense, and probably really does want that Minnesota job so he can go coach Towns and Wiggins. Joerger is a good coach, and if the Grizzlies start to right the ship, he’ll probably be a lot happier with his current situation. But the first part of the season has been tough sledding for ol’ Dave and he’s been very vocal about it. Maybe a nice bottle of wine from Gregg Popovich and a weekend at some kind of meditation retreat.
John Hollinger: A RAM upgrade for THE MACHINE so it can figure out how to actually get something of value in return for the Grizzlies’ big pile of expiring contracts of players that nobody else really wants.
Secret Mole in Grizzlies Organization
Actual photograph of THE MACHINE.
Robert Pera: The ability to own an NBA team without even once appearing in front of the media or showing his face at a home game. So far this is working out for him this season, but at some point, the guy at the top has to stop being completely absent, right? Right?
Every person covering the Grizzlies: Please, no more home blowouts, and if they have to come, then at least let Jarell Martin and Jordan Adams be healthy enough to play in them. The unremitting darkness of the first seven weeks of the season has taken a toll on all of us.
